Eat, Drink and be Merry

Now is the time to have some fun, because radio minister, Harold Camping, has announced that May 21, 2011 will definitely be the day of judgement and the Rapture!  Having missed the date before, he is absolutely sure that he is right this time.  It will be interesting to see if he is right.. and that billions of the world's population who have not accepted his version of belief will be assigned to the burning fires of hell.

I saw a television shot of a couple who have quit their jobs, taken their kids out of day care, and given away all of their belongings, to get ready for the Rapture.  I'm told that there are thousands more just like them.

Meanwhile, life goes on.. however short it may be for us infidels.


01.  Ecological Travel Discount

The Week magazine reports that a brothel in Germany is offering discounts to customers who arrive by bicycle.   (Yes, I know.. that could be fodder for a lot of off-color jokes.)

02.  Mispunctuation.

The entertaining and enlightening book Eats, Shoots and Leaves mentions a classic example of mispunctuation the comparison of two sentences:

A woman, without her man, is nothing.

A woman: without her, man is nothing.

Quite a difference, right?

03. Mispunctuation

Another example from Eats, Shoots and Leaves:

Leonora walked on her head, a little higher than usual.

Leonora walked on, her head a little higher than usual.


04. The Stock Market in Retrospect

From an article in 2007:

"The Dow is near 14,000 today, a fivefold increase from 20 years ago..(this) number seems high when you look backward. But we believe it's likely that number will seem quite low to investors in the future."

Well, today, four years later, after an almost unbelievable "hit" the Dow was "up" to 12,700.  At least it is going back up again.

05.  Fertile ancestors

From a New Yorker article: "In 1800, the firtility rate among American women was about seven, life expectancy was under forty, and the median age of the population was sixteen."

"Today (2011) the fertility rate is barely two, the average American can expect to live to nearly eighty, and the median age of the population is thirty-six and rising."

My Grandparents had 15 children; one of my great-grandfathers had eleven children; his father had eleven children; his brothers each had eleven or more children. Of course, they lived in the country and needed more farmhands.

06.  Mayflower Sports

Plymouth Colony's William Brewster  (one of my ancestors) named one of his sons Wrestling.  I always wondered why.  In the New Yorker article quoted above, it was mentioned that Wrestling Brewster's name was short for "wrestling with God."  I guess I'll have to search the Bible for that reference.

http://www.unionchurch.com/archive/100399.html


07.  Study Result.. 1

A Dutch study found that people with full bladders make better decisions.  (Better than what?)

08.  Study Result.. 2

An English study found that chimps laugh at things that are not funny.  (Just like humans who watch sitcoms?) 

09.  Whew!

Teunis Tenbrook (Rotterdam, the Netherlands) was ejected from his college because he had stinky feet.  He was a philosophy student and his fellow students and teachers said they could not concentrate on philosophical issues because of the stench.  Teunis filed suit and a judge ruled that he could return to school and the professors and other students would just have to hold their noses and bear the smell.

10.  Stick-em-up!

Arizona may have already have designated the Colt single-action Army revolver as the "State gun."
Utah may have already designated the Browning M1911, as it's "State gun."

Which State is about to name the "pop gun" as their "State gun?"

11.  EMAIL Sickness

In The Week Contest for 3/18/11, Morton Ginsberg suggested a new malady:

CEFS (Compulsive E-MAIL Forwarding Syndrome)

"In which people feel compelled to forward notes, jokes, or articles of miniscule importance to everyone on their mailing list."

12.  Nikita

Fifty years ago, Kruschev visited the United States and said: "We will bury you!"  Well, you see what happened.

While here, Mr. Kruschev was most impressed with Railroad Station lockers.. saying there was no such thing in Russia.

Mr. Kruschev became very upset when he wasn't allowed to visit Disneyland.  The Sun Paper in Baltimore had the headline:  K BLOWS TOP!

.............................................................................................

Dozen on May 9th 2010

It looks like it will be a beautiful cool and pleasant Mother's Day.

Today, I would like to talk about several things, including eyeballs, monkeys, coyotes, and money. (My goal with these blogs is to make your mind jump.)

01. Eyeballs: (If you don't want to get "grossed out", jump to item #02.) As you may have read here, I have developed macular degeneration (AMD) in my right eye and "see things as though through a glass darkly" with that eye. There are two kinds of AMD, dry and wet. Wet AMD means that new blood vessels are growing in your eye and they are leaking and covering a lot of visual area. I just found out that my AMD has developed into the wet kind and I have to get it treated quickly or my vision will get quite worse in that eye.

Treatment consists of injections of a healing substance (are your ready?) into the eyeball! As you can imagine.. this is not pleasant.. but necessary. So, I am writing this to suggest that, whatever your age, make sure that you visit an opthalmologist (a medical doctor, not just a lens maker guy) at least once each year to make sure you are not developing AMD or glaucoma. These conditions are usually, but not always, conditions for aging people. Also, AMD is hereditary. (Thanks for listening.)

02. Monkey business: Nebraska Zoo personnel were amazed to keep finding that their five orangatangs had escaped from their enclosure. The only way out was through a locked door. After a lot of investigation, they found that the boss orang (Fu Manchu) had secreted a 4" piece of wire around his teeth and was using it to pick the door's lock! And all these years I was congratulating myself for being able to pick locks with a paper clip.

03. Aliens again: The leader of one of the former Soviet Republics says that he was abducted by space aliens and was given a tour of their spaceship. Russian officials are investigating to find out if he gave them any state secrets.

Reminds me of the technician I worked with in Germany who reported that his wife would ask him questions every night when she thought he was asleep, trying to learn all about our secret radar installations.

04. Money talks: I'm amazed that our stock market computer systems are so fragile that they could be messed up by some guy typing "billion" for "million." You know, that somewhere, another guy is working up a plan to do the same thing in order to make himself a fast buck.

05. Coyotes: I've just learned that coyotes suddenly appeared on Cape Cod in the late 1970's. In order to do so, they would have had to swim the Cape Cod Canal or scurry across a long bridge.

06. Chinese English: Chinglish? Wait, Wait reports that some Chinese cities are trying to clean up their English signs that have been mis-translated: one can get an idea about that by reading instruction manuals for China-made items.

Reminds me of two stories:

A New York socialite always wore a Chinese coin around her neck as a necklace. She always wondered what the chinese characters on the coin meant. One day, she asked the Chinese ambassador who was attending one of her soirees. He did not want to reply, but she insisted. The coin read: Admit one to the Hong Kong brothel.

An English-Russian translation program translated the following phrase:

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

It came out: The vodka is pretty good, but the meat is rancid.

07. Modesty: I've heard that the Virginia Attorney General is trying to get the State Seal cleaned up. He wants to put a cover on the bare breast of the Spirit of Virtue. Someone suggested that he might next try to change the State name to Ia.


08. Sarah: New phrase to take the place of "Drill, baby, drill" .. "Spill, baby, spill"

09. Lung cancer: The other day, I counted 15 people in one city block who were smoking as they walked along. The very high price of cigarettes and risk of lung cancer obviously hasn't bothered them. But (t) one doesn't see so many cigarette butts anymore; they must be smoking them way down because of the cost.

Remember the sign that used to be in men's rooms? "Please don't throw cigarette butts in the urinals; it makes them soggy and hard to light."

Remember the phrase? "Many man smoke, but Fu Man Chu."

Remember Charlie Chan? Great movies. Get them on NetFlix.

10. Tight Quarters: Females will now be allowed to serve on submarines. Some of the atomic subs can stay submerged under the North Pole ice for months. Hey, what's the worst that could happen?

11. Schatzgeliebte! The Germans have developed a spray that makes men want to "cuddle". Does it last for four hours?

12. A match made in Heaven? Scientists have now determined that Neandertals (cave men) mated with Homo Sapiens (us guys) at some time in the deep dark past. (Geico could have told them that already.)

........................................................................................................

Good news?

I can't believe it.. some of my stocks actually went up, at least that is what my March 31st statement says. Not that I have a lot of stocks. I had a great idea one time, and that was to buy one or two shares of each of the Dow Jones picked stocks, the ones that give us the average each day. So, of course, these stocks go up or down in line with the market fluctuation... and in the last year, their value has taken a nosedive. But, since some of these have now gone up slightly in value... maybe the downturn is over. Maybe.

But actually, it doesn't really matter. With my small portfolio, even if the prices went to zero, I would not jump out of a window. Its just fun to follow the market, a little.

Twenty or so years ago, my late wife and I belonged to an investment club. It was a lot of fun. I think it cost us $30 a month. The club met 12 times a year to decide on which stocks to buy and sell. However, after a while, when some members started to take it all too seriously, the club disbanded and we sold off the stock. We made a little profit, which our Uncle Sam got a big cut of.

With hindsight, we should definitely have held on to a few of the stocks, which have continued to pay nice dividends, even in this recession.

One of my stocks, which I bought in the teen $ range, is now selling at 6 1/2 cents a share. Since the stock is related to the auto industry, I thought that it might jump in value as the US auto industry comes back to life, as I think it will. Anyway, I tried to buy a bunch of it .. 300 shares would only cost a little over $21, and even if the stock ever rose to at least $1 per share, I would anticipate a couple of hundred dollars profit when sold.

My computer, very grouchily, informed me that they would not handle a purchase of penny stocks. So now I will have to learn about how one does buy stocks like that. I have a lot to learn even though I was in that Investment Club.

Everybody tells me to buy bonds issued by municipalities. The subject of bonds has never been able to penetrate my brain. I have bought US bonds in the past, and I understand how they work, but how the other kinds of bonds work is a mystery to me.

Isn't this a wonderful world?! There is so much to learn and experience. It gives me great pleasure to follow (from afar) the activities of my grandchildren and great grandchild and feel (vicariously) the excitement as they learn new skills. And I learn new skills every day.. this is one of the reasons I bought a new laptop and an upscale cell phone.. and joined Facebook and Twitter.. and joined a new genealogy group and a new Civil War History group.. etc etc

I believe it was Robert Louis Stevenson who said: "The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings!"

And of course, my old standby paraphrased saying of Auntie Mame: "Life is a banquet and most people are starving to death."