Madamina, il catalogo e questo...

A couple of very interesting catalogs appeared in the mail the other day, and I thought that I might mention a few of the things that you might want to order. If you are tempted, let me know and I'll tell you the names of these great catalogs.





Stuff for the home.


01. Hair cutting umbrella: This is kind of a cape/bucket that fits around your neck and catches all of the hair, eyebrows, and earlobes that get lopped off as your spouse gives you a haircut. Clever idea.





02. Laundry sign: A magnetic cover for the front of your washing machine that lets people know that they are in the "laundry." (Here's your sign!)





03. Egg cracker: A machine for those persons unable to crack their eggs on the side of a bowl. The two sides of each cracked egg come out evenly and aesthetically correct.





04. Bed bug repeller: Plug it in, turn it to "high" and watch those little rascals scoot to escape the ultrahigh inaudible sound waves. (Especially recommended for people living in New York City.)





05. Lock for your safe: Keeps people from stealing the important papers in your 10 pound safe, unless the crook decides to pick it up, carry it off and open it later with a crowbar.





Tasteful items:





01. Toilet seat clock: Chimes every hour with a flushing sound.





02. Toilet mug: Have your dark brown morning brew in a realistically rendered coffee mug shaped like your bathroom toilet.





03. Booty Bop: I haven't a clue about this product.. the catalog doesn't explain it. It probably is related to the old poem: "what God has forgotten, we stuff up with cotton."





04. Burping bank: Stick a coin in the piggy bank's slot and it burps and snorts just like the depositor.





05. Butt bank: Stick a coin in the plumber's butt crack and hear a realistic fart. (Voted "Baltimore's Best" by Miss Allen's 6th grade class.)





Stuff for your pet.





01. Doggie litter turf: This little bit of greenery is designed to allow your pooch to do his business indoors in bad weather.





02. Diet bowl: Prongs stick up from the bowl bottom, so your dog or cat will learn to eat slower and more carefully. (Might work also for human dieters.)





For your yard.





01. Frogs have fun. Forget about the Mexican on a burro or the "Baltimore Hon" flamingo, this is a set of two waving green frogs on a sliding board. (Years ago, our friend, Miss Marie, made me a ceramic "Frog in Pink Hot Pants. My daughter now has this heirloom next to her backyard fish pond,)





02. HOOT! Hang this realistic owl from a tree trunk and every time something comes near, a sensor triggers a very loud "Hoot! Hoot!" to scare the trespasser away. (I wonder what this sounds like at 3 am when some bats decide to investigate?)





Remember these catalogs take credit cards.





....................................................

A Solution has been Found

I couldn't wait to talk about the wonderful sales catalog that appeared in my mail box today. It's from the Duluth Trading Company (www.DuluthTrading.com) and strangely, it is from Wisconsin, not Minnesota. This is the one catalog that every man must have.

I'll save the greatest and most creative product for the end. Meanwhile, here are a few of the "can't live without 'em" items:

01. A flask that holds 8 ounces of your favorite booze and fits in any pocket.

02. "Abe Lincoln's Cane" for old dudes like me.

03. "FDR's Summer Hat" for old dudes like me.

04. "Ogallala Bay Rum" smells like the way old dudes like me remember it from those old fashioned barber shops.. you know, the ones where women were not allowed, and where you could hardly see anything because of the cigar smoke.. and where there was only one style of haircut that you could get.

05. Powder to cure "Monkey butt."

06. Toothpick holders.

07. Lock picks. (If you had one, could you get arrested for holding a burglary tool? They work good, but so does a bent paper clip, if you know what you are doing.)

08. Smugglers' belts.

09. Side clip suspenders. Quote: "Best invention since the tea bag!"

10. "Buck Naked" (TM) underwear. Quote:"... almost as comfortable as your birthday suit (no sweat, no stink, no pinch)"

11. Quote: "Ballroom Jeans with 'crouchability'."

12. Quote: "Screw Faster! Magnetic Bit Holder means faster one-handed driving."

13. Newsboy caps.

And finally the greatest clothing invention ever: the "Longtail T ... Solution to Plumber's Butt!" This shirt has an extra 3" of shirt length, so that housewives will no longer be shocked by a sight nobody should be subjected to.

I had so much fun reading through this catalog that I will have to buy something. Unfortunately, if I wore the Longtail T, I would probably look like I was wearing a dress. Maybe I'll get a smuggler's belt to hold all my money and a newsboy cap like a wore when I sold newspapers during the "Great Depression".

Extree! Extree! Read all about it! .. Visit the website and have some fun.

..................................................................