Joe's Annual Christmas Gift Helper

Well, it's Christmas time again, and we are once again tasked with finding gifts for our friends and neighbors who already have "everything."  What a dilemma!

But.. yesterday, Elaine and I went on a search for those special gifts most people miss.  Elaine's standards are a bit higher than mine.  I look for good cheap items that are are also weird enough to be appreciated by cheap, weird people (not necessarily my friends and relatives.)

Here are some items, available at Big Lots Stores anywhere.  I found them to be intriguing and I am seriously considering purchasing some of them.. meanwhile, I list them here for you to consider when you do your Christmas shopping this year.

01.  For the serious drinker.

A clear glass bottle shaped like a chic high heel, filled with a pink fluid labeled "Non-Alcoholic Martini Mix."  (I guess you can add the booze.)  You can purchase this gem for only $5.

02.  For the serious zaftig-girl watcher.

A "Wings" set, which includes a plate with the "Hooters" logo, a bottle of "the hottest" hot sauce, a basting brush, and tongs.  Everything except chicken parts and a pot to cook it all in.  What a bargain for just $12!

03.  For the serious "retro" lover.

A lava lamp party kit for just $10.  The box says: "Light up your party with LAVA barbecue!"  To make that happen, the kit includes:

a "color-phasing" bottle opener
2 "color-phasing" shot glasses
4 "light-up" plastic ice cubes

Perhaps you could combine this with the "Wings" set and have a retro blast!

04.  For the serious Elvis fan.

An authentic-looking street sign for "Elvis Presly Boulevard".  For just $10, you can replace your existing street sign and drive your mail deliverer and neighbors crazy.

05.  For the "child" in us all.

"Not just another flashlight.  It stands.  It crawls. It walks."  Yes, it's the ROBOT Transforming Flashlight.   When you don't need the bright beam to light your way to the LAVA wing party, you can twist it into all kinds of shapes.  And I think I read where it is only $3.  Now that is definitely a bargain.  Even I would like to get one of those for Christmas.

06.  For your favorite doggie.

Peanut-butter flavored cookies for your best friend.  These "Dog Cookies" sell for only $3, and I'll bet they are delicious.

07.  Also for  your favorite doggie.

A nice bright red Santa Claus suit for your best friend to wear in our upcoming frigid Winter.  A little pricey at $8, but well worth it.  You know... you could combine this with some Rudolph antlers and have a very photogenic opportunity.  Have Staples make your picture into Christmas cards and everyone will talk about you all year long.

08.  For your tone-deaf friends.

Speaking of Rudolph, for $5 you can buy a fluffy Rudolph doll that sings that obnoxious song over and over again when you press his hoof. 

09.  For your friends who have an anger problem.

A "Jack in the Box" type Alvin.  Alvin is one of the famous "Chipmonks".  When he pops up, he starts to sing, along with his squeaky buddies.  This is a great buy at $8.  Give it to a person who has that anger management problem and they can relieve the pressure by throwing Alvin against the  wall over and over.

10.  For your scatalogically inclined friends.

Picture this.  Santa Claus sitting on his recliner, with his cap off, smoking his pipe after his long Christmas Eve journey.  Press Santa's mitten, and he says something to the effect:  "I'm just sitting here resting, after shoveling reindeer poop all day."  Just think of the humorous effect you have caused with your thoughtful $8 gift!

11.  For your "fair weather" friends.

I've saved "the best" for last.  This is a kneeling Santa Claus, holding high an unrolled "naughty" list.  Santa is smiling broadly and when you press his knee, he gives out with repeated "Hee Hee's" while he shakes uncontrollably, and farts continually.  His title is "Farting Santa" and he also costs $8.

So.. there it is ..  my research is done for 2011.  I hope it has helped you decide on a gift for someone who had been difficult to match with something appropriate.

Merry Christmas.. and remember that the best gift you can give someone is "yourself."

Happy New Year! 2011! Gasp!

I'm quite pleased with myself. Elaine and I pigged out on pizza and shrimp while we watched the ball drop at Times Square. In spite of that, I only went 173 calories over my daily allotment.

I'm trying to lose 30 pounds and I am using an online program to monitor what I eat and how much exercise I use. So far, I have found it very easy to use and it has a lot of features that I like. If you are interested, take a look at:

http://www.loseit.com/

Based on my diet program, I will reach my goal on July 11, 2011. Hopefully, I am motivated enough to avoid my version of the famous Allen Curve, which I call the Alden Curve, named after a famous Pilgrim relative of mine.

(This Alden Curve works well to show how Gyms make their money ... because most people never follow through with their gym visits.. it also works especially well with diet plans. For instance, when you start, a daily motivation graph line leans upward from zero for about a month. At the end of the month, when it dawns on you that you don't want to diet quite as much, your daily motivation graph line starts to work its way back down to the zero point. When you finally quit your diet, a median line drawn across the graph creates an A. This is the Alden Curve.)

Now, to talk about other stuff.

01. Arachnid Statistic? Somebody has reported that 20% of people engaging in sexual activity, maintain an open contact with the Web at the same time. (How did they get that statistic?)

02. Car Talk: If you visit the Car Talk website, you can see all of the famous staff names that you have heard mentioned over the lifetime of the radio show. Here are a dozen of those names that I thought were interesting:

Ulanda U. Lucky - Air Traffic Controller

Turner Luce - Animal Control Officer

Dot Matrix - Director of Computer Services

Collette O'Day - Clock Watcher

Phyllis Steen - Art Critic

Dot Snice - Art Critic II

Hugh Jass - Clothing Designer

Ed Amame - Bean Counter

Bud Uronner - Appeals Specialist

Hugo First - Bunji Jumper Instructor

Orson Buggy - Assistant Transportation Coordinator

Eureka Garlic - Breathalyzer Administrator

See them all at http://www.cartalk.com/

03. Litigation. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me reports that the mayor of Batman, Turkey is suing the makers of the Batman movie because they have not paid royalties for using the town name.

04. Fishy: Connecticut now has a State fish: the shad. (I wonder what ever happened to an SSA worker named Fred Shad?) Is Massachusetts State fish the scrod? (Check out the words to that famous song: Crabs for Christmas.. my favorite song of the season.)

05. Pay Scale: I may have mentioned this before. Mayor Bloomberg of New York City gets a yearly salary of just $1. However, he only gets 93 cents because 7 cents gets deducted for Social Security.

06. Conspiracy Theory: Carroll County Times (Maryland) columnist Tom Zirpoli says that one of the candidates for Governor of Colorado wants to end the city-wide bicycle rental program in Denver because it is a first step in bringing the US under UN control.

07. Necessity: While the Carnival Cruise Line's Splendor was stranded off of Mexico. The U. S. Navy airlifted a supply of Spam so that the strandees could have some protein.

For those of you young folks who have only heard of one kind of spam, check out this site:

http://www.spam.com/

08. Ailurophiles vs. caninophiles: Fellow Mensan, Richard Lederer, writes:

"Cats are smarter than dogs. (This must be true. Tests conducted by the University of Michigan concluded that while a dog's memory lasts no more than five minutes, a cat's can last as long as sixteen hours, exceeding even that of monkeys and orangutans. And you never see eight cats pulling a sled.)"

"Dogs drool; cats rule."

"If you command your dog to 'Come here', he runs right over with a 'Yes, what can I do for you?' The cat's response is, 'Put it in writing, and I'll get back to you later.' This is why dogs have masters, and cats have staff."

09. True adventure: A new biography by Geoffrey Wolff called: The Hard Way Around outlines the life of Joshua Slocum. Joshua was a young ship's captain who had many adventures, such as violent storms and mutinies even before he left Fairhaven, Massachusetts in 1898, and sailed alone around the world for three years. (Fairhaven is across the Acushnet River from New Bedford (my hometown) and there is a little park with a monument to his voyage next to the river and right near a wonderful Bed and Breakfast, which commands a marvelous view of the New Bedford harbor right out of the bedroom windows.)

10. Reward for speeding: A Massachusetts woman was arrested for throwing a bag of dog poop at a speeding car. It went through his open window and hit him in the face. She has been charged with assault.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I was about ten years old, a nasty guy working at cleaning up a yard, flipped dog poop at me as I rode by on my bicycle. This gave him a marvelous laugh. (I wonder if he was still laughing as he surveyed the flat tires on his truck.)

11. Hard to believe, but true: Google has logged almost 1,000 miles on their self-driving Toyota Priuses in California. Robot cars don't drive drunk, distracted or sleepy. (What happens when a State Trooper tries to pull them over for an equipment violation?)

12. Religious knowledge: According to Tom Harbold in the Carroll County (Maryland) Times.. The Pew Forum on religion and public life conducted a quiz of 32 questions given to a random sampling of over 3,000 people. The persons getting the highest number of questions right were Atheists, Agnostics, Jews and Mormons.

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Have a great time in 2011!

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Cycle of life.

Today, I want to talk about the crazy news, but first I want to tell you about a great loss to the world of opera... the death of Joan Sutherland. Then, I want to tell you about Elaine's latest accomplishment. Then, the other stuff.


01 A Diva is gone. The cycle of life.

At the age of 83, and still a diva. Joan Sutherland passed away in October. "La Stupenda" was a wonderful "bel canto" singer. Two of her most famous roles were as Lucia and Norma. Dame Sutherland was a very tall (Julia Childs type) and dominated the stage with her presence at first and then when she began to sing.









02. The Miracle of Birth. (The cycle of life.) A few months ago, as I mentioned in a prior blog entry, Elaine was witness to the birth of three deer in our "backyard" here at Carroll Lutheran Village. She wrote about the experience for the "Creative Expressions" book, published annually by the Village. She has now been asked to read her story on a local radio station.



Elaine has a very well modulated speaking voice and has had some acting experience. She was an extra in the movie "Hannibal" and also in the Baltimore version of the Australian TV series, "Homicide, Life on the Street".



We think that only two of the deer survived, because every once in a while, we see two young deer jumping and running while their mama quietly observes. We have been told that a birth of three deer is an unusual occurence. Elaine noticed that the first two baby deer jumped right up and started moving about, but the third was kind of sluggish. Recently, we placed a salt block near where the deer congregate sometimes, hoping to get them into position so we can take a good photo of the family together.





03. Math. U.K. researchers have determined that giving a slight electrical shock over the right ear improves a person's math abilities for months. Some of my friends tell me that a good smack on a child's butt by a father improves scholastic ability as well.



04. Sarah. Golly! Gee whiz! Alaska is a dangerous but energizing place. How do you like her "reality show?"



05. Deficit cutting. Cut Social Security. - No way! Cut Medicare. - No way! Cut the Federal workforce. - Are you crazy? Cut earmarks. - Sure (but not really.. because how else can I produce for my constituents and get re-elected?) Raise gasoline tax. - Ouch!

The cure for it all.. 100% employment. (Or.. steal back the billions of dollars that the Iraqis and Afghanis have been stealing from us for years now.)



06. Jailhouse lawyer. A prisoner is suing the parents of a boy he killed while driving 80 miles an hour. He says that the parents not forcing the boy to wear a helmet has caused him great emotional pain and suffering. He has ten more years to endure this pain.. hopefully, he will be able to endure it for the full ten years and not be given an early release.



07. Hyper-texting. Hyper-texters send at least 120 text messages a day. Would somebody explain to me what these messages could possibly impart? I remember visiting a friend's home many years ago, before texting, but when online messaging was in its infancy. His son had an internet connection on his PC and was engaged in this kind of interplay of messages.

"Hi."
"Hi."
"Waddaya doin today?"
"Nothin. Waddaya doin today?"
"Nothin. Want to come over?"
"Nope.. We got company."
"Can I come over?"
"Yes."
"What can we do?"
"I dont know. What can we do?"

etc... more of the same.



At the time, everybody thought this was cute.. after all, the kids involved were 8 years old.

In the future, the world will be populated with people with giant thumbs and no speaking ability.



08. Hyper-networkers. These are people, not necessarily kids, who spend three or more hours on social network sites like Facebook. I wonder how much of this time is spent playing online games. Some people mix media.. for instance, some people seem to treat Facebook entries like Twitter entries. "I'm going to the grocery store now." "I''m back from the grocery store now."

Come on, give me a break! Luckily, one can block Facebook entries and not have to tell the blockee that they are blocked, so no feelings are hurt.



09. Come on, Dick! The Week magazine cites a tabloid entry that quotes Dick Van Dyke saying that once he fell asleep on his surfboard and when he woke up, porpoises pushed him all the way in to shore. Dick, did you bang your head when you tripped over the hassock?



10. By the beard of the prophet! Another qoted tabloid entry mentions that two guys confessed to forcing a man to eat his own beard.

I've decided not to be Santa Claus this year. I had a job offer back in Spring, and I said that I might try it. But now.. after reading some David Sidaris stories, I don't thing I want to have the experience of little kids climbing on my lap, pulling my beard, vomiting on my knees, .... you get the picture.



11. Carlin. Yesterday, I bought the book Last Words, a memoir by George Carlin, with an assist by Tony Hendra. In reading the introcuction by Tony, I realized that he was the guy who wrote about Father Joe, a great read.


I note that the seven words made famous by George Carlin are being used more and more often by people on Facebook. Even some of my grandchildren are using such words once in a while. I realize that these are only "words" and one should not get upset upon hearing them. However, the young person that uses these words should realize that some older people who might be helpful to them in the future may be placing them in a category of people that they do not care to help, based on their vocabulary.



I loved George Carlin, and I enjoyed his humor. I have reservations about so-called comedians who must rely on George's seven words to be funny. They have not understood George's genius as a humorist. To show that you can be funny even without using the seven words, visit my joke blog.



http://joevaughansjokes.blogspot.com/



12. Devastating insight. Those ubiquitous U.K. researchers have now discovered that some dogs are pessimistic. How on earth did they discover that. Cats? Maybe. But, surely not dogs.
I think their research is in error. All the dogs I know seem to be happy go lucky and glad to see you.



Blogs rhyme with dogs, and my theory is that blogs, like dogs, should all be optimistic.



And I'm glad that you took time out of your busy day to visit my blog.
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Madamina, il catalogo e questo...

A couple of very interesting catalogs appeared in the mail the other day, and I thought that I might mention a few of the things that you might want to order. If you are tempted, let me know and I'll tell you the names of these great catalogs.





Stuff for the home.


01. Hair cutting umbrella: This is kind of a cape/bucket that fits around your neck and catches all of the hair, eyebrows, and earlobes that get lopped off as your spouse gives you a haircut. Clever idea.





02. Laundry sign: A magnetic cover for the front of your washing machine that lets people know that they are in the "laundry." (Here's your sign!)





03. Egg cracker: A machine for those persons unable to crack their eggs on the side of a bowl. The two sides of each cracked egg come out evenly and aesthetically correct.





04. Bed bug repeller: Plug it in, turn it to "high" and watch those little rascals scoot to escape the ultrahigh inaudible sound waves. (Especially recommended for people living in New York City.)





05. Lock for your safe: Keeps people from stealing the important papers in your 10 pound safe, unless the crook decides to pick it up, carry it off and open it later with a crowbar.





Tasteful items:





01. Toilet seat clock: Chimes every hour with a flushing sound.





02. Toilet mug: Have your dark brown morning brew in a realistically rendered coffee mug shaped like your bathroom toilet.





03. Booty Bop: I haven't a clue about this product.. the catalog doesn't explain it. It probably is related to the old poem: "what God has forgotten, we stuff up with cotton."





04. Burping bank: Stick a coin in the piggy bank's slot and it burps and snorts just like the depositor.





05. Butt bank: Stick a coin in the plumber's butt crack and hear a realistic fart. (Voted "Baltimore's Best" by Miss Allen's 6th grade class.)





Stuff for your pet.





01. Doggie litter turf: This little bit of greenery is designed to allow your pooch to do his business indoors in bad weather.





02. Diet bowl: Prongs stick up from the bowl bottom, so your dog or cat will learn to eat slower and more carefully. (Might work also for human dieters.)





For your yard.





01. Frogs have fun. Forget about the Mexican on a burro or the "Baltimore Hon" flamingo, this is a set of two waving green frogs on a sliding board. (Years ago, our friend, Miss Marie, made me a ceramic "Frog in Pink Hot Pants. My daughter now has this heirloom next to her backyard fish pond,)





02. HOOT! Hang this realistic owl from a tree trunk and every time something comes near, a sensor triggers a very loud "Hoot! Hoot!" to scare the trespasser away. (I wonder what this sounds like at 3 am when some bats decide to investigate?)





Remember these catalogs take credit cards.





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Summer 2010 is here and we're still crazy.

Another dozen:

01. Communication. One young man sitting near me said to his friend: "I was like, well, I mean, you know." His friend nodded, so I guess he knew.

02. Another fatwa: An Iranian Ayatollah has condemned the keeping of dogs as pets, because they are not clean and cause some people to love them more than people in their family. (What about cats, gerbils or hermit crabs?)

03. Eat your veggies! The garden on our deck has now produced:

6 bags of lettuce
lots of dill
2 5" zukes
2 8" zukes
4 red tomatoes

Hey! We're farmers!

04. Another young terrorist. A 7-year old was kicked out of a Rhode Island second grade class for having toy soldiers with guns glued to his hat! (When will those gangsters learn to stop breaking the law!)

05. Das Vaterland. I heard on the radio that Homeland Security was named as a joke that stuck, even though Americans don't refer to the U.S. as their "homeland."

06. Appropriate name: A lady calling a radio talk-show was named Patience Waite.

07. Carry on luggage? Airport workers in Arkansas found a bunch of human heads when they inspected a package. Police reported that they were just being sent to a medical company and that was ok. (Was Bin Laden's head one of them?)

08. Got trolls? I heard that a movie is about to be filmed about those little trolls from the '70's, so if you haven't thrown them out, you might want to keep them as an investment. (What about "my little ponies?")

09. Important information: The fruit (or vegetable) with the most fiber is the avocado. (I didn't know that!) And the name comes from the Aztec word for testicle, "ahuacatl."

10. Can't women let men have anything of their own? Fibanserin is a drug that is being called "the female viagra." (I wonder how the FDA is testing it.)

11. Hayabusa recall. The Japanese have successfully retrieved a geological sample from the Itokawa asteroid! (Think about that for a while!)

12. A new terrorist ploy? Bedbugs have invaded Goldman Sachs offices in Jersey City. (Serves them right!)

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Just some weird news again.

These are some of the stories in the news that interest me this week.

01. Sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona, Joe Arpaio.. you remember, the guy who makes jail inmates wear pink underwear.. and who has been called America's toughest sheriff .. has been stripped of his federal authority to make on the street arrests of suspected illegal immigrants by using racial profiling. (Maybe he should quit his police job and go to work for Victoria's Secret.)

02. David M. Rubenstein celebrated his 60th birthday by donating $10 million to the Lincoln Center. I guess this is small change for a guy worth almost $3 billion. When he turned 54, he said: "I have 27 years to go. I could be like the pharaohs and say 'bury me with my money'. Or, I could start giving it away." (Hey, Dave, how about giving one of your billions to cancer research!)

03. WQXR is the only classical music station in New York City. New York and it's surrounding suburbs has a population of 16 million people. Surely the city could support a few more classical music stations. Anyway, WQXR will now become a public radio station.. I wonder how that will affect the amount of music to be played. (I'll bet there are hundreds of rock stations in NYC.)

04. A flock of sheep in Jordan suffered spontaneous combustion because of methane in the soil and a stray spark. (I wonder if that could be the cause of some of the many spontaneous combustion human cases over the years.)

05. A mile of manatee poop has washed ashore in Vero Beach, Florida. (How did they determine that it came from manatees?)

06. The Wall Street Journal reports that 1.8 million bags checked at airlines last year did not arrive at their destinations at the same time as their owners.

07. Former Vice President Cheney will be bashing his former boss in a new book he is writing. The Washington Post reports that Cheney accuses Former President Bush of "going soft," and becoming just "an ordinary politician."

08. Aesop tells about the crow who drops stones in a pitcher to get to the water. Now, researchers have found that this intelligent action is indeed something that crow-like birds can do. The only other creature (outside of man) who would be able to do that is an orangutan.

09. Stray dogs in Moscow have taught themselves to use the subway, or so it is reported in the tabloids. Every morning they take the train into central Moscow, where food is easier to obtain.. and at night they take the train back home to sleep.

10. New Justice Sotomayor has asked more questions in her few days on the court than Clarence Thomas has asked in all the years he has been a Justice.

11. Rubik's Cube has gone high tech. For $150, you can get a cute little cube that flips colors when you swipe your finger against its sides. There are no moving parts.. a "kachunk" sound is broadcast when the flip occurs. (I struggled for many hours with an old-fashioned Rubik's Cube years ago, got frustrated, and gave it up. My son did not have to struggle at all. He just picked it up and solved it in a few seconds!)

12. I haven''t looked recently, but sunsets are supposed to be more colorful than usual, because of the eruption of Russia's Sarychev Peak in June. A lot of sulfur dioxide was thrown into the stratosphere and its tiny particles are scattering blue light and mixing it with the normal red, to produce some weird purple colors.

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Quick Stuff

I only have a little time to squeeze in some weird blog stuff. Let's see how much I can do in a half hour.

01. If "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend," why is a dog man's best friend? Doesn't sound equal to me.

02. Did I hear this right? A small town installed a traffic camera and took in over one million dollars during just the first month. (If true, there must be some kind of riot going on in that town.)

03. I heard that a 93 year old man died and his son found that he had many many magazine subscriptions that extended all the way to the year 2024. (One of our friends could never say "no" to the young folks who came to her door selling subscriptions.. when she died, she probably had lots of these long subscriptions as well.)

04. I saw mentioned in an article in the Nation magazine: Joseph Schumpeter paraphrased Lincoln: "Even if you cannot fool all of the people all of the time, you can fool enough people long enough to do irreversible damage."

05. Mark Twain said: "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

(Burning question: During a nude wedding, where does the "best man" carry the ring? Also, at a nude wedding, is he really the "best man"? Sorry.)

06. A recent British study revealed that eating chocolate makes you smarter.

07. Moe Berg, famous baseball player was a linguist, speaking several languages, including Japanese. He led a very interesting life and when I have enough time, I'll write a blog entry about him.

08. American Profile magazine says that Joanne Brunet is famous for her collection of 4,000 packs of gum that she has saved over the last 68 years. The gum is stored in 112 cases. The oldest piece of gum was from 1932, Wrigley's Doublemint.

09. The Carroll Eagle magazine reports that the Hampstead, Maryland highway bypass has now been built. Local residents have waited 40 years for this day. Before the bypass, commuters had a driving nightmare. To satisfy environmentalists, the State Highway Agency had tunnels installed underneath the highway for bog turtles to use to cross, and are using goats to trim the grass, instead of taking a chance on mower blades striking the turtles. The bog turtles are an Endangered Species.

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Names and News

Today, I will make comments on the pronounciation of Mucha and Sotomayor, recommend a couple of books to read, and pass on some observations from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, my favorite radio show. (BTW: look up pronunciation and pronounciation online.. then maybe you will be as confused as I am about which spelling is correct.. or which pronounciation of either is correct.. ain't English great?)

At an art gallery in Towson, Elaine and I were recently shown l0ts of works by Alfonse Mucha. The owner spoke Mucha as MOO-CU(p). I speak Mucha as MU-SHA and sometimes as MU-CHA. Since Al was a Czech, I found out that his name in Czech is pronounced: MOO-CA(r). Suggested pronounciation in English is the same as in Czech. So.. we were both wrong.

In any event, the owner has gone to the Czech Republic and brought back lots of Mucha stuff which she has reframed for sale. One of the items is a framed print of a beautiful (zaftig) young lady, a copy of which I paid $4 at a small antique store in Westminster, Maryland. She is selling it for $250! Her prices are a bit out of range for me; but perhaps not for people who live in Towson.

Once, we found a framed print of a mother with her two daughters at an antique mall in Frederick. We paid a very large price for it. Two store stalls later we found the identical item for much much less. Guess what... the first person gave us our money back and we bought the latter print. (It's still my favorite picture because it looks just like my two beautiful daughters watching my new-born son who is in his mother's arms.)

Now that I have learned how to pronounce Mucha, I turn my attention to Ms Sotomayor. Apparently, there is a Conservative commentator who feels that we should not succomb to the temptation to pronounce her name as though we were Puerto Ricans, but rather pronounce it the good old fashioned American way as: So to mayer. OMIGAWD! What next!

Yesterday, we were happy to attend granddaughter Bridget's college graduation. It was a great day and we are very proud of what a fine young woman she has become. Usually on Saturday morning, I listen to my favorite NPR show: Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me! So, this morning (Sunday) I listened to the show on my PC. I kind of like this better, because it cuts out 13 minutes of unrelated news and advertising. Some of the things I learned today:

01. Panelist Charlie Pierce has published a new book that will anger a lot of people. I have read parts of it, and I highly recommend it for "thinking" people.. the title happens to be: "Idiot America." You will be hearing a lot about this book, I'm sure.

02. Panelist Roy Blunt, Jr. also has published a new book that will be great, especially for those interested in "words" and their derivations and current and past meanings. I read a couple of pages out on Amazon and found it quite enlightening. The title is: Alphabet Juice (had he already used Alphabet Soup?)

03. Somebody on the show mentioned that for 17 years, Jay Leno "has pretended to be funnier and dumber than he is." Elaine and I feel that since the Writers' Strike, Jay's monologues have not been funny at all. However, we also feel that his most unfunny moment is far and away more funny than anything we have ever seen Conan O'Brien do on his "show". Prediction: The demise of the Tonight Show.

04. Prisoners in France will be participating in a 400 mile bicycle race. It is meant as a rehabilitation aid. One prisoner stated: "It's kind of an escape for us." Time will tell.

05. Robert Earl Keen, Austin, Texas, singer and song-writer had a couple of different type jobs while he was struggling to make it in the business: Singing at Yard-Sales and digging ditches. (His father had always told him: If you stick with music, you'll end up digging ditches.) Once he caught his wife shooting at cats while dressed in her underwear. He was inspired to write a Country song about it.

06. I can not vouch for the truth of this, but it was mentioned in a discussion of the Skull and Bones Society at Yale University. They mentioned that H.W. Bush was the "most sexually experienced" member and W. Bush could not decide on an appellation, and was called "Temporary." ??

07. It was mentioned that a DC Councilman wants to ban pizza joints that serve giant slices of pizza, because these deals draw unsavory customers.

08. This I find the most amazing of anything I've heard lately. Apparently, the city of Hardin, Montana, has a new jail that is empty. They have said that they would like to house the Gitmo prisoners in their new facility. They think that this would result in more income to the city from notoriety, tourism, or whatever would be connected with the move.

How about..... gang members and/or drug sellers being sent to Montana to serve their time, at hard labor. It might keep them out of contact with their buddies and girl friends who smuggle cell phones and other contraband when they visit. Russia had the Gulag.. and just think, some of the prisoners might just find the feeling of accomplishment that Ivan Denisovitch finally felt when his building was completed in spite of the bitter cold, etc..... (read: One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch... a marvelous book that you would never forget.)

09. People from Yuma, Arizona are called yumans.

10. An inventor in France has invented the Dogomatic dog washer.

11. A three year study at Oxford discovered that ducks like water.

12. The people living on Butt Hole Road in Great Britain have successfully changed the name of the street. (There is a group of people on the Internet who are lobbying them to have the name changed back to what it was before.)

13. A man was caught after slashing the tires of 50 automobiles. When asked why he did it, he said it was because his mother made him wear braces 20 years ago. He even carried a picture of himself wearing the braces. The cops agreed that he looked pretty bad then.

ENOUGH!

PS: if any of my Baltimore readers remember the Electric Park on Belvedere Avenue, please let me know.