Today's issue of the Carroll County, Maryland, Times shows today's date on A-5 as Saturday, April 11, 2010.. and on page A-6 as Saturday, April 10, 2010. This allows the reader to feel as though he or she is going back in time as they turn the page. What a pleasant gimmick for such a beautiful sunny, windy, 50-ish Spring day!
A wonderful thing happened today (or yesterday, as the case may be).. I lifted up a pile of old newspapers and found a copy of the non-defunct Weekly World News from September 18, 2006. (I loved that sheet!) Just look at the news items that I missed!
01. Giant Crocs Attack! Monster reptiles attacked monster trucks at a racetrack.
02. Old Folks live in Daughter's Pool. These poor folks needed assistive living, but couldn't afford it, so their good-hearted daughter allowed them to spend their twilight years floating in her backyard pool. Because of the chlorine in the water, they didn"t even have to worry about toilet breaks.
03. Robin Goodfellow, British Pub owner has started to serve his patrons fairy wings. This has become a great draw for Barrie's Tavern.
04. An item about "Your Bottom Dollar" that perhaps I shouldn't mention.
Excuse me for a moment.. my favorite radio station is playing the Met broadcast of Die Zauberfloete, and I want to hear the Queen of the Night's famous aria. Herr Mozart may have been accused of using "too many notes" on this work, but I don't think that there is one wasted note in the whole opera. Why did Wolfie have to die so young? Who could imagine what other masterpieces still lurked within that massive brain in that little bitty body?
I'm back again.. let me jump to some Wait Wait items:
05. (Notice how I number everything.. its my excessive compulsion, sorry.) A gentleman from Georgia tried to eat a "double wicked" fast food sandwich and messed his jaws up so much that he had to have surgery. (Well, it had to happen sometime.)
06. Did you know that the first Bobby hired by the City of London was fired four hours later because of drunkenness? Do policemen have alcohol level tests in the US?
07. Another Georgian, a Congressman I believe, recently said that Guam will probably tip over if we send any more military people there.
08. Senator John McCain told reporters that he is not a maverick, in spite of the title of his book and his electioneering slogan. I guess he might be trying to become a true Conservative to get the future votes of the Tea Party guys.
09. Fewer NERDS are being produced in the US. Our technical future looks bleak. (Is there a song called: The Revenge of the Nerds?)
10. The guy who invented Wine in a Box has died. Wine snobs deride boxed wine. However, I see not much difference between boxed and bottled wine. In fact, based on wine that I have made over the years, I want to make this statement. Believe it or not, with a little care, and with a little equipment, and a little container of grapes, and a little sugar.. you can make wine in your kitchen that tastes just as good if not better than these bottles of French wine that are selling for astronomical prices. In fact, if you have a Mickey Mouse balloon to place over the top of a bottle, you can do as good a job as any of the California wine makers. This is of course my opinion.
This made me think of wine that I have been aging in the garage. I decided to try an old bottle. I uncorked and decanted a bottle of peach wine that I laid down in 1975. The cork had almost disintegrated but not quite. Opened and poured, there was not much bouquet.. in fact, Elaine took a sip and thought that it ranked (maybe a good word) among the worst wines she had ever tasted. But, for me, after a little unpleasant ropiness, I found it tasty.. perhaps more like a very sweet fortified wine. So, score one for me.
I still have some beet wine and peapodwine aging. Recently, I gave away my beer and wine making equipment to my son in law, John, an excellent brewer. So now, I will concentrate on kitchen wine, using my Mickey Mouse balloon. Don't knock it til you've tried it.
11. And of course you have heard of the crook who was chased by the cops until he climbed over a wall and found himself in a prison yard. What I didn't know until now was it was a woman's prison!
12. What about that guy who was discovered giving mouth to mouth rescusitation to a possum that may have been playing possum.
.........................................
Showing posts with label crocodiles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crocodiles. Show all posts
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Weekly Dozen @ Jan 30, 2010
Today, I am going to talk about some news items, but also some other things that my ancient brain thinks about a lot.
01. SNAP,CRACKLE,POP: This is the fiftieth anniversary of bubble wrap. What did we do without it before?
02. MARMITE: I have always heard that British people love to spread marmite on their bread. However, I have also heard that it is nasty. I had to try it myself. This morning I did. YES! It is nasty! I am trying everything I can think of to get rid of the taste in my mouth.
As a yeast product, I'm sure this product is good for you.. but apparently it requires a lot of getting used to. I'm sorry.. I'm too old to take the time to aquire a taste for it. I will stick to jam or jelly on my toast in the morning.
03. FEBRUARY 2ND: Animal rights folks feel that Punxatawny Phil should be replaced by a fake groundhog.
04. SPECIAL LICENSE PLATES FOR REPEAT DRUNK DRIVERS: A Maryland State Delegate has proposed a special plate for repeat drunk drivers. It would be bright yellow and would have the first three letters of the plate showing DUI. Some other states have the procedure in place already; for instance, Ohio and Minnesota, where cars with such special plates are avoided by other drivers. Begging some questions:
Why not expand this to include convicted felons, child molesters, and deadbeats?
What about innocent family members who have to ride in cars with such tags?
Have the delegates read The Scarlet Letter?
05. UNCONSUMATED DIVORCE: Under current Maryland law, a couple must live apart for one year before an uncontested divorce can be granted. A Maryland lawmaker wants to change that to require that a couple not have sex for one year instead. (What would Governor Marvin Mandel say about that?)
06. STRIP-SEARCHING: Last year, Maryland Senators held a hearing where women who said that they had been victimized by strip-searching were to testify. None of them showed up because of embarassment. Senators still passed an anti-strip-search bill, but it was killed in a House committee. A similar bill will be pushed again this year and it is expected that at least one woman will testify. Questions:
Will the bill address the following situation? A while ago, a judge found that Baltimore County police acted unreasonably when they searched the buttock cheeks of a suspected drug dealer in a car wash.
Should the police be given "see-through" equipment like they now have at airports?
07. ART NEWS: Somebody tripped and put a hand through a painting by Picasso. Curators are now in a quandary about how to tell what is damage and what is art.
I visited a Picasso exhibition in 1955 in Cologne, Germany, where I could have bought Picasso prints for a very cheap price. Unfortunately, I could only afford to pay for a colorful book outlining all of the works on display.. which probably still would be worth a lot on EBAY (why would I want to put a price on art?)
Also, in London, an artist's modernistic work consisting of filled ashtrays, bottles and plastic cups was swept up and disposed of by a custodian. (In this case, I think he did the right thing.)
08. IPAD: Steve Jobs introduced the new IPAD with the unfortunate name, and the catch phrase: Hold the Internet in your hands. Someone said that the IPAD looks like an IPHONE for the elderly.
I visited the local Verizon store and told a salesman that I was thinking of switching to an IPHONE and could he persuade me to buy a DROID instead. He told me that under the terms of my current agreement, if I purchase the DROID right now, it will cost me $600, but if I wait until May, I will be able to pay only $150. Now, what would you do?
09. YOUNG HUNTERS: Recently, newspapers have been publishing pictures of young hunters standing next to their "kills", some as young as nine years old.
Question:
Would you want to be walking through woods where a nine-year-old is busy stalking Bambi?
I can see a need to cull deer populations, and I think that the meat that is not needed should be donated to the poor. However, I think that the hunters of such deer should be at least 25 years old, when their medula oblongatas have matured enough so that they can tell the difference between a young child in a bright red coat and an 8-point buck.
When I was 16 years old, two of my buddies asked me to accompany them on a raccoon hunting trip. I did not own a rifle and wasn't sure I wanted to hunt anyway, so I declined. During the hunting trip, one of my 16 year-old friends accidently shot and killed my other 16 year-old friend. That cinched it for me. No hunting.
I understand that the city of Fairfield, Connecticut has opened all of their parks to hunters. Watch your children, mama.
I've mentioned before that my brother-in-law is a bear hunter. Each year, he travels from Massachusetts to Maine to take care of his bear bait trap near the bottom of the tree where he has erected a platform from which to shoot a bear. After he feels that bears have gotten used to eating the bait, he climbs up the tree with his rifle, and waits for a good shot.
I asked him: But aren't bears good tree climbers? Suppose you miss your shot.
He replied: If you miss, it might be the last shot you will ever make, because that bear can make it up that tree to your spot in just a few seconds.
So, this "bears" out the old phrase: Sometimes you get the bear; sometimes the bear gets you.
10. BIBLICAL REFERENCE: Speaking of hunting, those who do cryptic-type crossword puzzles might enjoy this clue in a 1963 puzzle by Frank W. Lewis in The Nation magazine:
Salome wasn't the type Hemingway might have hired!
The answer: head bearer.
If you want to know more about cryptic puzzles or this clue in particular, let me know.
11. REPUBLICAN MATCHMAKERS?: The new Republican Senator for Massachusetts has daughters and the new Republican Governor of Virginia has twin sons. Both mentioned their progeny in recent speeches.
12. REPTILE INTELLIGENCE: London zookeepers say that they have taught some crocodiles to recognize their names. (Remember the song: Never smile at a crocodile...")
Bonus:
Important things to think about: TEETH AND JAIL:
Prisoners in certain jails will no longer be able to play "Dungeons and Dragons" in their cells and Massachusetts daycare providers will be required to brush their charges' teeth each day.
Suppose that jailers had to brush the teeth of their prisoners each day. This may seem silly, but there is a big problem with the cost of caring for prisoners' teeth..
probably most prisoners are the type of people who don't take care of their teeth and then when the damn things rot, the State has to pay a lot of money to a dentist to pull them..
I have it on good authority that dentists have to triple-glove to avoid getting HIV from mouth blood...and that means that not many dentists are willing to get involved with prisons.
On that note, I will bid you adieu, mes amis.
..................................................
01. SNAP,CRACKLE,POP: This is the fiftieth anniversary of bubble wrap. What did we do without it before?
02. MARMITE: I have always heard that British people love to spread marmite on their bread. However, I have also heard that it is nasty. I had to try it myself. This morning I did. YES! It is nasty! I am trying everything I can think of to get rid of the taste in my mouth.
As a yeast product, I'm sure this product is good for you.. but apparently it requires a lot of getting used to. I'm sorry.. I'm too old to take the time to aquire a taste for it. I will stick to jam or jelly on my toast in the morning.
03. FEBRUARY 2ND: Animal rights folks feel that Punxatawny Phil should be replaced by a fake groundhog.
04. SPECIAL LICENSE PLATES FOR REPEAT DRUNK DRIVERS: A Maryland State Delegate has proposed a special plate for repeat drunk drivers. It would be bright yellow and would have the first three letters of the plate showing DUI. Some other states have the procedure in place already; for instance, Ohio and Minnesota, where cars with such special plates are avoided by other drivers. Begging some questions:
Why not expand this to include convicted felons, child molesters, and deadbeats?
What about innocent family members who have to ride in cars with such tags?
Have the delegates read The Scarlet Letter?
05. UNCONSUMATED DIVORCE: Under current Maryland law, a couple must live apart for one year before an uncontested divorce can be granted. A Maryland lawmaker wants to change that to require that a couple not have sex for one year instead. (What would Governor Marvin Mandel say about that?)
06. STRIP-SEARCHING: Last year, Maryland Senators held a hearing where women who said that they had been victimized by strip-searching were to testify. None of them showed up because of embarassment. Senators still passed an anti-strip-search bill, but it was killed in a House committee. A similar bill will be pushed again this year and it is expected that at least one woman will testify. Questions:
Will the bill address the following situation? A while ago, a judge found that Baltimore County police acted unreasonably when they searched the buttock cheeks of a suspected drug dealer in a car wash.
Should the police be given "see-through" equipment like they now have at airports?
07. ART NEWS: Somebody tripped and put a hand through a painting by Picasso. Curators are now in a quandary about how to tell what is damage and what is art.
I visited a Picasso exhibition in 1955 in Cologne, Germany, where I could have bought Picasso prints for a very cheap price. Unfortunately, I could only afford to pay for a colorful book outlining all of the works on display.. which probably still would be worth a lot on EBAY (why would I want to put a price on art?)
Also, in London, an artist's modernistic work consisting of filled ashtrays, bottles and plastic cups was swept up and disposed of by a custodian. (In this case, I think he did the right thing.)
08. IPAD: Steve Jobs introduced the new IPAD with the unfortunate name, and the catch phrase: Hold the Internet in your hands. Someone said that the IPAD looks like an IPHONE for the elderly.
I visited the local Verizon store and told a salesman that I was thinking of switching to an IPHONE and could he persuade me to buy a DROID instead. He told me that under the terms of my current agreement, if I purchase the DROID right now, it will cost me $600, but if I wait until May, I will be able to pay only $150. Now, what would you do?
09. YOUNG HUNTERS: Recently, newspapers have been publishing pictures of young hunters standing next to their "kills", some as young as nine years old.
Question:
Would you want to be walking through woods where a nine-year-old is busy stalking Bambi?
I can see a need to cull deer populations, and I think that the meat that is not needed should be donated to the poor. However, I think that the hunters of such deer should be at least 25 years old, when their medula oblongatas have matured enough so that they can tell the difference between a young child in a bright red coat and an 8-point buck.
When I was 16 years old, two of my buddies asked me to accompany them on a raccoon hunting trip. I did not own a rifle and wasn't sure I wanted to hunt anyway, so I declined. During the hunting trip, one of my 16 year-old friends accidently shot and killed my other 16 year-old friend. That cinched it for me. No hunting.
I understand that the city of Fairfield, Connecticut has opened all of their parks to hunters. Watch your children, mama.
I've mentioned before that my brother-in-law is a bear hunter. Each year, he travels from Massachusetts to Maine to take care of his bear bait trap near the bottom of the tree where he has erected a platform from which to shoot a bear. After he feels that bears have gotten used to eating the bait, he climbs up the tree with his rifle, and waits for a good shot.
I asked him: But aren't bears good tree climbers? Suppose you miss your shot.
He replied: If you miss, it might be the last shot you will ever make, because that bear can make it up that tree to your spot in just a few seconds.
So, this "bears" out the old phrase: Sometimes you get the bear; sometimes the bear gets you.
10. BIBLICAL REFERENCE: Speaking of hunting, those who do cryptic-type crossword puzzles might enjoy this clue in a 1963 puzzle by Frank W. Lewis in The Nation magazine:
Salome wasn't the type Hemingway might have hired!
The answer: head bearer.
If you want to know more about cryptic puzzles or this clue in particular, let me know.
11. REPUBLICAN MATCHMAKERS?: The new Republican Senator for Massachusetts has daughters and the new Republican Governor of Virginia has twin sons. Both mentioned their progeny in recent speeches.
12. REPTILE INTELLIGENCE: London zookeepers say that they have taught some crocodiles to recognize their names. (Remember the song: Never smile at a crocodile...")
Bonus:
Important things to think about: TEETH AND JAIL:
Prisoners in certain jails will no longer be able to play "Dungeons and Dragons" in their cells and Massachusetts daycare providers will be required to brush their charges' teeth each day.
Suppose that jailers had to brush the teeth of their prisoners each day. This may seem silly, but there is a big problem with the cost of caring for prisoners' teeth..
probably most prisoners are the type of people who don't take care of their teeth and then when the damn things rot, the State has to pay a lot of money to a dentist to pull them..
I have it on good authority that dentists have to triple-glove to avoid getting HIV from mouth blood...and that means that not many dentists are willing to get involved with prisons.
On that note, I will bid you adieu, mes amis.
..................................................
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