Rainy Season Thoughts

Well, the wind stopped a bit.. but it still is sputtering rain.  Our yellow flowers with pink insides are blooming in spite of the lousy weather.  As is usual, regardless of the weather, I have a compulsion to share news, jokes and "Crankshaft" type observations with anyone nearby.  So, if you have anything else to do with your time, avoid this blog entry.  Remember.. you've been warned.

01.  Car Talk

At the opening of today's Car Talk show, the Massachusetts guys posed some scientific type questions.  I don't think they would mind if I mention them here. (By the way, if you have not listened to that NPR show, you are missing a great experience.)

Q. What do you call a really small bottle of mouthwash?  
A.  Microscope.

Q. What is the mathematical ratio used in constructing an igloo?
A. Eskimo pie.

Q.  What is the shortest distance between 2 jokes.
A.  A straight line.

Q.  What is the term for the time between the stepping on a banana peel and falling on the ground?
A.  A bananasecond.

02.  More names.

Every so often, I mention people's names that I have collected over the years.  I apologize to those who own these names, but I think they are humorous.  If you know these people, please don't tell them, because I don't want to get a punch in the nose.

ALCOHOL:
Zula Z. Boozer
Martin I. Sober

FAMOUS NAMES:
Willie Huckleberry Finn
Mona Lisa Guess

FEATHERED FRIENDS:
Birdie Berryhill
Cola Chick
Russell Feathers
Canary Sires

FOOD:
Mr. Sizzleberger

JEWELS:
Opal Galightly
Fairest Ruby Klepfer

MEDICAL CONDITIONS:
Round Barnes
Bland Butts
Ether Boyant Horn
A. Reck
Rena Sweat
Sinus Wilzy

MEN AND WOMEN:
Mrs. Husband
William Sex Pattern

MISCELLANEOUS:
Other Bradshaw
Blueford Corsey
Mr. Richendollar

03.  What happened?

Last December, police in Ransom, Illinois, (population: 409) were looking for a woman who walked away from an automobile crash that left her husband dead.  The only clues were some footprints in the snow and a slipper. Dressed in a red party dress and one slipper, she should not have been that difficult to find.  Perhaps her bright dress in the white snow caught the attention of the pilot of an alien craft and she has been abducted and held for ransom.  I haven't seen any more news about this incident on the Internet.  I hope she was found in time for Christmas.

04.  What happened?

In August of 2009, it was reported that Michael Jackson's artificial nose had disappeared from his body in the morgue.  I'm not sure if that report was true or not.  Michael is supposed to have had a bottle full of fake noses.  I read where his real nose had collapsed after excessive plastic surgeries.  If someone had stolen the nose, it probably will show up years hence as a "holy relic."

05.  Survival equipment.

Transportation officials in one of China's provinces have outfitted buses with large orange bricks attached with long strings.  These are supposed to be used by passengers in  emergency situations, so they can break a window and escape.

06.  Negligence case.

A Chicago woman got drunk and fell through the window of a hair salon.  She later sued the owner because he should have had safety glass installed.. lots of drunks apparently walk by his shop, and he should have been prepared for one of them to fall through.   I wonder if she won her suit.

07.  No global warming?

The huge glacier on Mount Margherita in Uganda has cracked and is now blocking access by mountain climbers to the summit.  The glacier has reportedly ruptured because of excessive melting.  It is one of the very few places near the equator that has ice; the glacier has shrunk by 75% in the recent past and may completely disappear by 2030.

08.  Call my brother: ISHMAEL.  Call me: AHAB.*

Composer Jake Heggie and librettist Gene Scheer have created the opera: Moby-Dick.  It is a three hour creation that I am anxious to see and hear.  There are lots of reviews out on the Internet.. I personally don't want to read any because I feel they might affect my own considerations when I finally see the opera. 

*(If you are a member of the National Puzzlers League, you will recognise me and my brother by these noms.)

09.  We know where you are!

For a long time, I have wondered why my DROID always knows exactly where I am.  Now the word is out. I wonder if Bin Laden has an IPHONE or a DROID?  I guess not.. so, let's send him one.

10.  Baltimore event.

The Wait Wait Don't Tell Me show was taped and broadcast this week at the Meyerhoff Symphony Hall in Baltimore, Maryland. Baltimore's own John Waters, was the celebrity guest. (John's book: Role Models comes out this week in paperback.)

http://www.npr.org/programs/wait-wait-dont-tell-me/


11.  Shazam!

I just realized that there is a big problem now that phone booths have all but disappeared.  Where will Clark Kent change into his Superman suit?  Evildoers are rejoicing everywhere.  (When I was a small kid and owned Superman comic book number one.. I actually wondered what would happen if Clark couldn't find a phone booth that was unoccupied.) I don't think that Captain Marvel needed a phone booth.  Neither did the Green Hornet or Batman.

12.  Are you handy?

A Neurologist from Newton, Massachusetts says that right-handed people are mostly boring and left-handed people are mostly interesting.  I'm ambidextrous.. what about me?  (Don't answer that!)

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New Stuff and Old Stuff

Now that I am an "old dude", I realize that "sometimes" I repeat myself (others might substitute the word "often" for "sometimes"). So, today, I found a copy of the famous and now defunct Weekly World News, and thought I might write some notes about this wonderful sheet.

However, just in time, I woke up and remembered that I had already done a blog entry about this very issue. But.. the date of the issue was September 18, 2006, and some things have changed since then. Let me tell you about some of them.

01. Magic! There is an article about what the paper calls "the world's worst magician". They claim that a guy named Victor Baum performed in the Boston area and people came to see him because he was so bad. Once, it took him 52 times before he got a "guess the playing card" trick right!

I hope you remember about the guy I have mentioned before who, in my opinion, is now "the world's best magician." Yes, I'm talking about "The Amazing Stanley". Check him out.. he is good!

www.justforyou.com/magic.htm

02. Power Names. The paper also suggested that you give your children names that could help form their character and drive them to high achievement. They suggested names such as Google, Maxima, Java, or Excel.

I just heard on the radio that a gentleman named Douglas Smith was allowed to change his name to Captain Awesome. Well, I hope it does it for him.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I worked at Social Security, I had the authorization to change names on our records, if requested. A member of a religious order which had a common hyphenated surname for its members asked to have his "like John Doe" name changed. Seeing no reason to deny him this request, I did so.

Suddenly, droves of fellow religious persons descended on Social Security, asking for the same favor now that there was a precedent.. at the same time, a rival religious order found out and had their members petition for changes to names with their own hyphenated designation.

Someone thought that I had established a bad precedent (and the ensuing chaos) and somehow had it rescinded.

BTW: some of you already know that I have had several "names" over the years. The ones I like best are: AHAB (my nom in puzzledom); H.R. Pooner (my long lost brother gave me that one because of my love for whales.. no.. I never wanted to harm them); and S.P. Kerr (a name used when I did Toastmaster activity)....

03. Predictions coming true? The paper also listed some predictions for the future. I'll mention two of them:

Waco, TX 2010: The F.B.I. discovers the cult moviie house and, after a standoff with the audience, fires the projectionist.

Washington, DC 2011: As the political right gains greater influence in the country, many colleges change their curriculum to offer conservative arts programs.

04. Trivia from 2006:

There are more than 1,750 "O's" in a 15 ounce can of SpaghettiOs. (Guess what.. the cans still hold 15 ounces in 2010!)

Ovaltine was called Ovomaltine.. but it was a Swiss product, and when it got registered in the U.S., a clerical error gave it its current name. (I'm sure you were astounded to read that.)

Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts. (In these austere days, the only persons who continue to be able to eat flamingo tongues are those "fat-cats" who will benefit the most from the continuing "tax cuts for the rich and famous.")

In Australia, the most popular topping for pizza is eggs. In China, it is mussels. In the US, it is pepperoni. (What about anchovies, my favorite?)

An apple, an onion, and a potato all taste alike. (I've heard this before.. if you pinch your nose and take a blindfolded bite of each, you would not know which you are eating. I haven't tried this yet. Let me know if you have.)

..... Well, that's enough for now.. I have to get to my physical therapy session so I can be pushed, prodded, and punched in order to get my muscles working better. They have been withering a bit in the past few years.

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The Mad 1960's

With all the excitement about the series MAD MEN and the 1960's decade, I have decided to record some of the items in a scrapbook I created in May 1963. Perhaps it might give you even more insight into that wonderful time to be alive, a half-century ago!

http://www.amctv.com/originals/madmen/about/


01. Murphy's Laws. Although probably listed first in the Scientific American magazine for 4/56, they were talked about extensively in the 1960's..

I. If something can go wrong, it will.
II. When left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
III. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

02. Figures: An "electronic computer" was used in Atlanta to come up with the following statistic: The average female figure measures 35-25-35. However, ladies on the West Coast are a wee bit larger.

03. Chewing Gum: An historian found out that chewing gum was being used by the Aztecs when the Spanish landed in the Yucatan. However, it didn't catch on with European types until 350 years later. General Santa Anna of Mexico was a fan and tried to get an example of it taken seriously by the Americans while he was exiled in Staten Island. Discouraged, he left the material when he returned to Mexico. But an enterprizing American named Thomas Adams used it to found a U. S. chewing gum industry.. his product: Adams Chiclets. Shortly thereafter, a guy named William Wrigley, Jr. gave the big push to make chewing gum an important American pastime.

The Germans call chewing gum Kaugummi. I suspect that is because people who chew gum kind of look like cows chewing their cud. Recently, in Ocean City, we were served by a medical doctor at an emergency center who was chewing gum. Somehow, this did not seem professional to me.

04. IBM. The computer giant was really "big" in the early '60's. Times were good for them, especially with Government contracts. Jobs were rather prevalent, in fact, around 1963, headhunters offered me three jobs with IBM. One of which was at their Poughkeepsie "Think Tank" where the employees (gasp!) were allowed to dress for work without a black suit or tie!

In my scrapbook, I have a cartoon by a cartoonist named Richard Taylor who had a distinctive manner of drawing which I tried to copy for years. The cartoon showed an older manager introducing a new employee to the existing black-suited staff of five men. The new recruit looks and is dressed exactly like the current staff. (This is a direct reference to IBM's cookie-cutter created staff.)

http://www.pbase.com/csw62/r_taylor

05. Ben sez: Quote from Ben Franklin: "Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut aft erwards."

06. Flower Mart: The Flower Mart in Mount Vernon Square, Baltimore, Maryland, was big in 1963. That is the first year that I attended. It took place in a circle around Baltimore's Washington Monument, and consisted of craft vendors, food vendors, flower vendors and generally crazy people. Crab cakes were a big hit and were a lot cheaper than they are today. But, the biggest hit of the Mart was the famous "peppermint sticks".. everybody bought them. These are candy peppermint sticks, stuck into lemons.. they are surprizingly refreshing.

http://www.baltimore-maryland.org/flower-mart-photos.html

One thing I noticed about the Flower Mart was that there were very few black people in attendance. Since half of the population of Baltimore at the time was of African-American descent, this seemed strange to me. Apparently there was some racial problem because a few years later, black protests shut the mart down for a few years. I haven't been down to check it out these days, but I haven't heard of any problems with it lately, so I guess everything worked out o.k.

07. Names: Those of you who have read Mencken's American Language, know a bit about American last names. If you haven't read it, you really should; it is a classic.

While I worked at the Social Security Administration, I kept a file of strange names (at least to me). I guess, since I have been retired for a while, it would be o.k. for me to list some of these names that intrigued me while I worked there. I hope noone takes offense.

Rose Pyles
Lucy Kluck
Fanny Paper
Park Bench
Work Bench
Only Teasdale
Ozelia Fontenont
Bunnie Blue
Wrestling Keith
Bonita Purkypile
Dink Pike
Joe Ooom
Parafine Puff
Feather Schwartz
Bren Gunn and Tommy Gunn (father was Pop Gunn)
Freeman A. Mason

When Elaine worked at SSA, she found the name: Pink Valentine.

08. More Ben sez: "A single man resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors."

09. City life: A 1963 study found that 400 snakes of three species were found living in peaceful anonymity on three acres within Chicago's city limits.

10. Car terms: A weekly magazine in 1963 listed some once common automobile terms that were no longer recognized:

SPRAG: A pointed iron rod beneath a car. It's pointed end could be released to dig into the road to prevent cars with poor brakes from rolling backwards down a hill.

TREMBLER: A buzzer-like device attached to the dashboard, which made the ignition sparks.

PILOT: A little gasoline-fed flame which ignited the fire under the boiler of a Stanley Steamer.

http://www.stanleymotorcarriage.com

BANDAGE: Something that you buckled over a punctured tire to allow you to continue.

TILLER: What some people called the wagon-related steering device on early autos...which was thankfully replaced by the steering wheel.

11. Pre-Mensa Poetry:

Pyschologist, with Freudian craft,
Divide the dullards from the daft,
Say who's rigid, who's resilient,
Who's safe and who risks being brilliant.

The thing to be is well-adjusted
(Your reflex actions must be trusted)
That way you'll never be suspected
Of thinking something unexpected.

By Leonard Sharpe

(I'm not sure of the poet's name. Perhaps my brother Joe, who has a gift for solving mysteries, can find out who the poet is.)

12. Final Ben sez:

"There's a time to wink as well as to see."


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Weekly Dozen @ 02/20/2010

Here are some backlogged items:

01. Last year, Time magazine mentioned two special inventions that they did not particularly like:

a. A bra that can easily be converted into two gasmasks.

b. Software that scans the smiles of Japanese railway employees to make sure that they exude the proper amount of cheerfulness.

(Japanese-watchers have also been reporting on the depth of Mr. Toyoda's bows when apologizing for automobile glitzes. Apparently one can tell a lot about people's intentions by how low they bow.)

02. Why is it that all real famous people were born on holidays? (Washington, Lincoln, King, etc.)

03. Who was this "Red" Roundtree who was arrested in 2003 for trying to rob a bank at the age of 91?

04. The Vice President of Nigeria has a great name: Goodluck Jonathan. (Baltimore's own H.L.Mencken gets into "different" names in his classic study The American Language. For instance, at one time, Doctors at Johns Hopkins would name the babies for poor women who had their labor in that hospital.. one of the names given out, supposedly appropriately, was Positive Wasserman Johnson.)

05. Some art experts are declaring that the Mona Lisa is a self-portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci in drag. (Take a good look and compare after dropping the beard.. there may be some truth to this.)

06. I'm sure that now you have heard about the famous cricketeer who shocked the sports world by biting the ball during a match. This is cheating at cricket on a large scale, similar to throwing a "spitball" at a batter's head.

07. Recently, a Denver advertisement for a job as "medical marijuana reviewer" netted lots of applications.

08. A woman has filed a lawsuit against her boss for "breaking wind" in her cubicle.
(Cruel and unusual punishment, now probably considered on a par with smoking in one's area.)

09. John Gay died in 1732, and had chiseled on his tombstone:

Life is a jest,
And all things show it.
I thought so once,
And now I know it.

10. Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand for her recent Tea Party Convention speech. (I wonder if someone was able to photograph those notes. They would be worth thousands of dollars.)

11. Dallas, Texas police have been issuing tickets to people for not speaking English. (What law does this break?)

12. A freight train was parked in front of a woman's house for six week. During that time, she had to scoot under the train to get out into the world.

When I was in High School and walked to school down a certain street, there was always a large truck parked across the street and sidewalk, taking on items for delivery. This was a challenge to us boys, who scooted under the truck.. while the motor was running and the gearshift was about to be engaged. The girls were not as dumb as the boys.. they waited for the truck to move out of the way or took another route.

Extra: South Carolina's Mark Sanford, thinking ahead, had the "faithfulness promise" removed from the wedding vow for his marriage.

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Interesting News (I think)

It's the end of April 2009 and the world is in turmoil. However, there are some news stories that one might ponder to get one's mind off of the turmoil. Here are a few:

01. Russian doctors found a fir tree growing in a man's lungs! (Wouldn't that make a great cartoon?)

02. An 89 year old man in Australia was mauled by a pack of wild mice.

03. Prince Charles met with the Pope to discuss the environment. (Papal warming?)

04. Scientists have announced that if a pulsar the size of a silver dollar landed on Earth, it would weigh 100 million tons.

05. A baby girl in New Zealand was named Zealand-New.

06. Many aeons ago, one of the Popes was named Hilarious. (look it up)

07. Years ago, Doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore delivered lots of babies to indigent mothers. Usually, they would give the child a name. One of the names given to a newborn by a doctor was: Positive Wasserman Johnson. (look it up in Mencken's great book, The American Language.)

08. A man named Justin Brady changed his name to "Ynot Bubba." (Why not?)

09. A man shot his wife through the head and then killed himself. When the police arrived, she was busy making tea.

10. A cat in China adopted two puppies that she is teaching to catch mice. (needed in Australia.. see # 02 above.)

11. A woman dying of lung cancer in Massachusetts says: "Some people, like me, are just born to smoke."

12. United Airlines began demanding that people with fat butts buy a second seat.

13. There is a new scam to watch out for.. guys who enter restaurants and look for people (at table) who are ready to pay their bills, and tell them they will take the money (or credit card!) for them, and then disappear.

14. A nude man drove his pickup truck through the wall of an emergency room in North Dakota.

15. The magazine This Week reports that "Le Whif".. a lipstick sized mini inhaler shoots a calorie-free chocolate mist into your mouth for $2 for 4 puffs.

16. The @ sign for Internet use means "love him" in Chinese.

17. A New York worker is demanding pay for the lunch hour he lost when he was "locked down" during a shoot-out.

18. An overdue book returned to a Canadian library was taken out in 1899. The $9,000 fine was waived. (I have a book that I borrowed from the New Bedford, Massachusetts Public Library 50 years ago. I've been told to wait for "amnesty day" to return it... I know, I know... no excuse for my action.)

If you want to know more about these subjects, you might want to "google" them.

Auf wiedersehen.