Happy New Year! 2011! Gasp!

I'm quite pleased with myself. Elaine and I pigged out on pizza and shrimp while we watched the ball drop at Times Square. In spite of that, I only went 173 calories over my daily allotment.

I'm trying to lose 30 pounds and I am using an online program to monitor what I eat and how much exercise I use. So far, I have found it very easy to use and it has a lot of features that I like. If you are interested, take a look at:

http://www.loseit.com/

Based on my diet program, I will reach my goal on July 11, 2011. Hopefully, I am motivated enough to avoid my version of the famous Allen Curve, which I call the Alden Curve, named after a famous Pilgrim relative of mine.

(This Alden Curve works well to show how Gyms make their money ... because most people never follow through with their gym visits.. it also works especially well with diet plans. For instance, when you start, a daily motivation graph line leans upward from zero for about a month. At the end of the month, when it dawns on you that you don't want to diet quite as much, your daily motivation graph line starts to work its way back down to the zero point. When you finally quit your diet, a median line drawn across the graph creates an A. This is the Alden Curve.)

Now, to talk about other stuff.

01. Arachnid Statistic? Somebody has reported that 20% of people engaging in sexual activity, maintain an open contact with the Web at the same time. (How did they get that statistic?)

02. Car Talk: If you visit the Car Talk website, you can see all of the famous staff names that you have heard mentioned over the lifetime of the radio show. Here are a dozen of those names that I thought were interesting:

Ulanda U. Lucky - Air Traffic Controller

Turner Luce - Animal Control Officer

Dot Matrix - Director of Computer Services

Collette O'Day - Clock Watcher

Phyllis Steen - Art Critic

Dot Snice - Art Critic II

Hugh Jass - Clothing Designer

Ed Amame - Bean Counter

Bud Uronner - Appeals Specialist

Hugo First - Bunji Jumper Instructor

Orson Buggy - Assistant Transportation Coordinator

Eureka Garlic - Breathalyzer Administrator

See them all at http://www.cartalk.com/

03. Litigation. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me reports that the mayor of Batman, Turkey is suing the makers of the Batman movie because they have not paid royalties for using the town name.

04. Fishy: Connecticut now has a State fish: the shad. (I wonder what ever happened to an SSA worker named Fred Shad?) Is Massachusetts State fish the scrod? (Check out the words to that famous song: Crabs for Christmas.. my favorite song of the season.)

05. Pay Scale: I may have mentioned this before. Mayor Bloomberg of New York City gets a yearly salary of just $1. However, he only gets 93 cents because 7 cents gets deducted for Social Security.

06. Conspiracy Theory: Carroll County Times (Maryland) columnist Tom Zirpoli says that one of the candidates for Governor of Colorado wants to end the city-wide bicycle rental program in Denver because it is a first step in bringing the US under UN control.

07. Necessity: While the Carnival Cruise Line's Splendor was stranded off of Mexico. The U. S. Navy airlifted a supply of Spam so that the strandees could have some protein.

For those of you young folks who have only heard of one kind of spam, check out this site:

http://www.spam.com/

08. Ailurophiles vs. caninophiles: Fellow Mensan, Richard Lederer, writes:

"Cats are smarter than dogs. (This must be true. Tests conducted by the University of Michigan concluded that while a dog's memory lasts no more than five minutes, a cat's can last as long as sixteen hours, exceeding even that of monkeys and orangutans. And you never see eight cats pulling a sled.)"

"Dogs drool; cats rule."

"If you command your dog to 'Come here', he runs right over with a 'Yes, what can I do for you?' The cat's response is, 'Put it in writing, and I'll get back to you later.' This is why dogs have masters, and cats have staff."

09. True adventure: A new biography by Geoffrey Wolff called: The Hard Way Around outlines the life of Joshua Slocum. Joshua was a young ship's captain who had many adventures, such as violent storms and mutinies even before he left Fairhaven, Massachusetts in 1898, and sailed alone around the world for three years. (Fairhaven is across the Acushnet River from New Bedford (my hometown) and there is a little park with a monument to his voyage next to the river and right near a wonderful Bed and Breakfast, which commands a marvelous view of the New Bedford harbor right out of the bedroom windows.)

10. Reward for speeding: A Massachusetts woman was arrested for throwing a bag of dog poop at a speeding car. It went through his open window and hit him in the face. She has been charged with assault.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I was about ten years old, a nasty guy working at cleaning up a yard, flipped dog poop at me as I rode by on my bicycle. This gave him a marvelous laugh. (I wonder if he was still laughing as he surveyed the flat tires on his truck.)

11. Hard to believe, but true: Google has logged almost 1,000 miles on their self-driving Toyota Priuses in California. Robot cars don't drive drunk, distracted or sleepy. (What happens when a State Trooper tries to pull them over for an equipment violation?)

12. Religious knowledge: According to Tom Harbold in the Carroll County (Maryland) Times.. The Pew Forum on religion and public life conducted a quiz of 32 questions given to a random sampling of over 3,000 people. The persons getting the highest number of questions right were Atheists, Agnostics, Jews and Mormons.

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Have a great time in 2011!

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Bieber Fever, etc.

01. Bieber Fever: Mr. Bieber came to the Maryland State Fair yesterday and you would have though they were giving out free fifty dollar bills. This 16 year old guy has all the eleven year old girls yelling and screaming like the Bobby Soxers did for Frank Sinatra in the 1940's (yes, I was alive then!)

One interviewer asked a Bieber fan how she liked his singing. She said: "He's cute!"

Frank Sinatra's voice lasted almost to the day he died at age around 80, I think. Let's see what Bieber's voice does in the next few years. He seems like a nice clean-cut kid, and his popularity will probably just grow..

I hope everyone also gets a chance to listen to the 10 year old female finalist on America's Got Talent. This is a kid with a Diva's voice range. She should be a spectacular super star someday.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38667257


02. Car stuff: I'm typing some of this while waiting for Toyota mechanics to do the 10,000 mile maintenance on my Rav4. I love that car. I bought the 100 year maintenance offering, so I should not get charged anything for my 5,000 visits until the year 2109.... at least that what the fine print on my contract says.. maybe.. I guess I need to buy a magnifying glass to make sure.

03. Tolerance: In my last blog entry, I wrote about a Florida pastor scheduling a Koran burning session. I just read in Time magazine that this will take place on 9/11. The pastor argues that Jesus would burn the Koran because "it's not holy." Now, everybody in Afghanistan is cursing the US and Obama.. why do they think that our President is condoning the burning?

04. Jokes: As some of you know, I started a new blog that will contain jokes and puns and humorous items that I have been collecting for many many years. I've already had some comments on my first issuance. "Cheesy.", "Fun to read.", "Childish", "Funny." ,"Go for it."

So, I guess I will continue it. If interested and a glutton for punishment, visit

http://joevaughansjokes.blogspot.com/

05. Species: Today, my SNAPPLE diet tea cap had the following message:


"Manhattan Island was once home to as many different species as Yellowstone National Park."

I showed the message to Elaine, and she had the very same response as I had, namely:

"It still is."


06. New Jersey Perps: Did I mention the one-legged thief who broke into a New Jersey shoe store and left some boxes on the floor with just right shoes? He was easy to catch.



Or the bicycle-riding crook who wore a Nixon mask? Another easy catch for Trenton cops.



07. Birther: By now, you must have heard of that "bright light" Army Officer who refused deployment to Afghanistan because he said that President Obama is not legally his Commanding Officer, because he wasn't born in the United States. He says he wants to see the "real" birth certificate. (A judge threw out his defence as idiotic.) I wonder how he got to be an officer?


08. Ugh! Disgusting sign seen in a men's rest room:


"Please do not drop paper towels in the urinals. They turn yellow when we dry them out, and some people do not like to use them."


09. Savage breast? An English headmaster punishes his students in detention by forcing them to listen to classical music!



Today, a radio announcer mentioned that there are people who die every day who have never heard the beautiful music of Beethoven. Or Mozart!!!!! I wonder if they teach classical music in school these days. My 7th grade teacher taught us how to read music and how to enjoy classical music. My mother had already instilled in me a love for the light classics, but listening to the masterworks opened my mind to a wonderful new world. So, I learned to like Bach and Beethoven. And then, later in life.. Mozart and Mahler!

10. Toot! We missed it! July was National Baked Beans Month.

11. SuZee TV: Did I mention that our cat watches TV with us. The other night, we watched two Netflix movies and she didn't move from her perch on a table between us and the TV. She watches TV very intently. She likes a lot of action and conversation. The news bores her and she doesn't like some of the cop shows that Elaine likes (even though they have lots of action).


12. Spice: Some of my Toastmasters friends sent me lists of things to do to make life more interesting. I thought that you might like to learn some of them.


Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".


Everytime anybody asks you do do something, ask if they want fries with that.


In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."


Instead of walking, skip.


Married men, everytime you see a broom, yell: "Honey, your mother is here."



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10.

Weekly Dozen 02/27/10

Here are some new items mixed in with old items:

01. 2010: Solution to the monetary crisis: Even though the State of Missouri is having so many financial problems, they feel good that they have figured a way out of the situation. They will deduct $1 every week from their Governor's salary to invest in PowerBall, or whatever that Lottery is called. All money won will be used to pay down Missouri's debt.

02. 1998: Diabetes: CBS reports that an insulin inhaler is being developed. (Was it developed? I think that they already had the "pump" at that time.

03. 2010: Carotid clearance: A study has reported that a stent procedure to clear a clogged carotid artery works just as well as an operation. (Why didn't they tell me that two years ago!)

04. 2010: "Chips": In Britain, they are trying to develop a "chip" made out of meat. (Would that be a "potato chip" or a "chip" as in Britain's famous "fish and chips"?)

I wish I could find a place to eat true English fish and chips! You can get it back in New Bedford, Massachusetts, but I have not found the same thing anywhere in the Mid-Atlantic. The closest was at Arthur Treacher's Restaurant, but they closed down all of those places anywhere near where I live. I think there might be one left in Maryland somewhere, but I haven't found it yet.

05. 1998: WOW Chips: Speaking of "chips", in 1998 the FDA gave a "thumbs up" to Olestra. Products using it were supposed to be still high calorie, but have no fat grams. I tried some of them at the time and found that they did not like my digestion and haven't tried them since, knowingly. I guess you can still get Olestra products in the Super Market.

06. 2010: Mr. Toyoda: I have wondered why the head of the family-based car company doesn't have the same name as the car. I heard today, somewhere, that it is because the stroke for "T" is not as lucky as the stroke for "D" in Japanese ideograms, so it was changed.. (maybe they should have changed the stroke for the car name also, and they might not be having so many problems.)

Incidentally, I took my RAV4 in to the Toyota dealer for my 5,000 maintenance, and while I was there, they did the recall fix for the accelerator.

By the way, to graduate from a Japanese grammar school, a student must know 881 characters (ideograms). To graduate from High School, a student must know 1,850, and to read at a college level, a student must know 3,000.

All of these characters are built up from less than 300 elements or pictures. These pictures were drawn by the Chinese similar to Egyptian hieroglyphics. The Japanese borrowed these characters from the Chinese over 2,000 years ago.

07. 1998: Leo Buscaglia: One of my favorite people passed away on June 12, 1998. Leo Buscaglia was a California professor who taught a class in LOVE. In addition to his class, he gave televised lectures on the subject and wrote a number of books about love.

Luckily, I taped his presentations whenever I found them on TV. His whole life was built around letting people know what love was all about. At his lectures, everyone was hugged by him before they left. His death was a great loss to the world, in my opinion.

My cousin, Charlie, and his family live in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania and attend a Baptist church there. The preacher, until a few years ago, was from Baltimore and had a Bethlehem Steel background. I visited the church a few times and the preacher always had a line waiting for him after the services. They were waiting to get a hug from him. What a great idea! I don't see or experience many hugs any more. Perhaps it is because of a fear of the flu. I have read that hugs are good medicine and buttress our immune systems.. maybe after the flu goes away, we can get back to hugging.

08. 2010: Cartalk definitions:

Lymph: To walk with a lisp.

MacAdam: The first Scotsman.

09. 1998: Airline crashes: Tom Snyder (Remember him? The 6'8" Late Late Show host .. replaced by 6'8" Conan O'Brien!) said that statistics showed that more people are killed by donkeys each year than are killed in airline crashes. (Let that be a lesson to you!)

10. 2010: Healthy flies: A college professor has developed a method for exercising fruit flies so they will be healthier for use in experiments.

Time flies like the wind,
Fruit flies like bananas.

11. 2010: Accident: It had to happen. Two police segways crashed into each other. (By the way, did you know that the first automobile accident in the U. S. occured in Baltimore?)

12. 2010: Vital statistics:

The most dangerous food in the U.S. is the hot dog. (Apparently, children choke on them, and scientists are trying to change their shape to make them safer.)

The laziest people in the world live in the United States. (Maybe that fruit fly professor should come up with an innovative way for everyone to exercise.)

Bonus

1998 and 2010: Words: Back in 1998, I read where no word rhymes with month, purple or orange. I have been trying since then to find words that did complete those rhymes. No luck, yet. Perhaps my long-lost brother Joe (if he is reading this) may have found some already since he is a noted word expert.

Can you find rhyming words for month, purple or orange?

Weekly Dozen @ 02/20/2010

Here are some backlogged items:

01. Last year, Time magazine mentioned two special inventions that they did not particularly like:

a. A bra that can easily be converted into two gasmasks.

b. Software that scans the smiles of Japanese railway employees to make sure that they exude the proper amount of cheerfulness.

(Japanese-watchers have also been reporting on the depth of Mr. Toyoda's bows when apologizing for automobile glitzes. Apparently one can tell a lot about people's intentions by how low they bow.)

02. Why is it that all real famous people were born on holidays? (Washington, Lincoln, King, etc.)

03. Who was this "Red" Roundtree who was arrested in 2003 for trying to rob a bank at the age of 91?

04. The Vice President of Nigeria has a great name: Goodluck Jonathan. (Baltimore's own H.L.Mencken gets into "different" names in his classic study The American Language. For instance, at one time, Doctors at Johns Hopkins would name the babies for poor women who had their labor in that hospital.. one of the names given out, supposedly appropriately, was Positive Wasserman Johnson.)

05. Some art experts are declaring that the Mona Lisa is a self-portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci in drag. (Take a good look and compare after dropping the beard.. there may be some truth to this.)

06. I'm sure that now you have heard about the famous cricketeer who shocked the sports world by biting the ball during a match. This is cheating at cricket on a large scale, similar to throwing a "spitball" at a batter's head.

07. Recently, a Denver advertisement for a job as "medical marijuana reviewer" netted lots of applications.

08. A woman has filed a lawsuit against her boss for "breaking wind" in her cubicle.
(Cruel and unusual punishment, now probably considered on a par with smoking in one's area.)

09. John Gay died in 1732, and had chiseled on his tombstone:

Life is a jest,
And all things show it.
I thought so once,
And now I know it.

10. Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand for her recent Tea Party Convention speech. (I wonder if someone was able to photograph those notes. They would be worth thousands of dollars.)

11. Dallas, Texas police have been issuing tickets to people for not speaking English. (What law does this break?)

12. A freight train was parked in front of a woman's house for six week. During that time, she had to scoot under the train to get out into the world.

When I was in High School and walked to school down a certain street, there was always a large truck parked across the street and sidewalk, taking on items for delivery. This was a challenge to us boys, who scooted under the truck.. while the motor was running and the gearshift was about to be engaged. The girls were not as dumb as the boys.. they waited for the truck to move out of the way or took another route.

Extra: South Carolina's Mark Sanford, thinking ahead, had the "faithfulness promise" removed from the wedding vow for his marriage.

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Lots happening since I got home from Uncle Allen's funeral. My Toyota Camry was making noises that said it was on its last legs.. so I had to buy a new car. This was probably cheaper than throwing money down the old car money-pit. I bought a 2009 Toyota Rav4. Elaine helped me pick it out.

She wanted a gold colored one ("sandy beach metallic").. but they are only available on the beaches in Hawaii. But we did finally get a west coast color: "Pacific blue metallic." A very nice car, but we will have to get a ladder so Elaine can climb in. The name of the car (RAV) stands for "Recreational Activity Vehicle".. that means "small SUV".

In making the transition from old car to new car, I lost my Social Security identity pass. Under the Patriot Act, this is a major problem. I will have to find someone to sign me into the building and then I will have to spend hours convincing "Security" that I did not sell my pass to some terrorist.

Meanwhile, I learned today that my daughter was charged for her motel room in New Bedford, even though I had already paid for it. I can see this taking hours and hours of phone calls to straighten out.

Elaine received notice that the doctor who gave her one stitch to close a wound charged her insurance $2,ooo! I don't think that the insurance company will pay him, and Elaine may get the bill. More need for Health Care Reform.

I purchased four pairs of pants at Boscov's and lost the claim ticket for tailoring. Tailoring is necessary because pants makers now make their pants' lengths at the average length of American legs. I'm no longer average since I lost several inches in height as I have aged. So, in addition to the price of pants, I have to pay an extra $9 each to have them shortened. I told you that it's tough to get old, guys.

After some interrogation, the clerk agreed to release my altered pants to me. He was telling me that in the "old days" when Boscov's was super busy, I would not have been able to get my pants without receipts. He said that a couple of years ago, the men's clothing section had 5 employees. Now they have 2 1/2. (I didn't ask him if the 1/2 person was a "little person.")

I talked to a lady in Hagerstown, Maryland, who makes "comfort dolls". These are dolls given to children who are in accidents, have to appear in court, or are in the hospital. The dolls calm the kids down and make them feel better. This lady wanted to know if we (the TRIAD group) wanted to learn how to make the dolls.. if not, she volunteered to make them for us. I will discuss this at the next TRIAD meeting.

I purchased another HP black ink cartridge.. they seem to run out after just a few pages.. and will now be able to print my eulogy of Uncle Allen. I will send copies to Allen's family survivors.

I finally got my Federal Income Tax Refund and now it is time to send it back for estimated taxes.

Elaine and I got haircuts today. Kim does my haircuts and also trims my beard. If she gets caught trimming a beard, she can get fined. Apparently, you have to have a special license to do mustaches and beards and the "beard police" can make it difficult for you.

We ate lunch today at the Frisco Pub. I had a local craft brew, spicy crab soup and a delicious Polish dog. Elaine had a soda, the crab soup, and the most delicious clam strips I've had since I used to buy them from vendors at Horseneck Beach, in Massachusetts.

Once when I was in college, I got a political appointment for the summer at Horseneck Beach. Along with a bunch of other guys who were pretty muscular, we had the job of digging out houses buried under the sand dunes during the hurricane of 1938. This was twenty years later, and there were still a lot of buried houses. I was surprized to learn that people in 1938 used the same plastic-like-type tablecloths that we were using. These cloths were the best survivors of the storm.

Anyway, after lunch, after getting Elaine in the car and getting ready to put her wheelchair in, I forgot to lock the chair legs and when I turned my back, out of the corner of my eyes, I saw something black start to speed down the hill. It was the damn wheelchair! Luckily, so far, it had just missed by inches all the other parked cars and was about to travel out into heavy traffic... summoning my hidden superman strength, I ran as fast as I could and rescued the chair in the nick of time. And guess what, even with all that exertion, I did not get a heart attack.

I have been reading that the best form of exercise is sudden exertion. That is the way humans have managed all these many years.. quiet times, with sudden spurts of energy when needed to avoid predators and to catch prey. So, I had my good exercise today. And, I gave a lot of healthful entertainment to the bystanders.

Learning about my new car has been fun. I also managed to wedge my cell phone in the back door of the car. I didn't notice it, but the car kept up a loud whistle until I figured out what was wrong. Elaine also made some noise when she hit the car's "panic button" on the key I gave her. She was inside, and the car was outside.. and when she pushed it inside, all Hell broke loose outside in the highest decibels. It probably hit "high C".

I got a call tonight that my caller ID told me was "Pizza Sam". I answered the phone with "Hey, I can't wait to hear this one." The man on the other end said, "My name is Sam Piazza, and I am calling to ask for your help on a special project." It was a legitimate call and I was embarassed to tell Sam that I misread his last name on the caller ID.

This morning, I made twenty or so calls, most requiring a call back. Since we have "call waiting" whenever someone calls back and we are on the phone already, a loud beeping and static is generated on the line to let us know... then, we are supposed to say to the party we are talking to, "excuse me, I have another caller on the line." I find this rude and discourteous... as though the person you are talking to is not as important as the new caller. I hate this feature, but it is "bundled" and I am told I can't drop it without dropping caller ID.

I think that "caller ID" is the greatest telephone innovation ever.. it has saved me so many times from having to answer telemarketers, scam artists and crashing bores. I highly recommend it.

I will now end this crashing bore of a blog. Just wanted to keep you up to date on some of the ordinary things we are doing these days in beautiful downtown Westminster Maryland.

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Hodge Podge for Saturday September 5th, 2009

While on my train ride to Massachusetts last week, I read quite a few newspapers and a few things caught my interest. I want to share them with you.

01. The ratio of civilian contractors to military personnel is higher now in Afghanistan than it has been anywhere else, in any other war. Check out the following approximate percentages:

World War I: 5%
World War II: 10%
Korea: 25%
VietNam: 15%
Balkans: 50%
Iraq: 50%
Afghanistan: 70%

Source: Congressional Research Service.. by the New York Times.

Well, at least our soldiers don't have to pull KP anymore or clean latrines.

Although it might anger some of my contractor friends, I would like to say that even though my experience with contractors in the Federal Government was cordial, I did feel that what they were doing could probably be much cheaper done with Government employees. For example, one project that my Branch was responsible for concerned 10,000 elderly people. I felt that one programmer in my Branch could do the job on a PC and complete it in a couple of years.

I was overruled. The job was contracted out as a large-scale computer job and when I last checked, years later, the job is still in existence, not quite completed.

02. Dr. Mark B. McClellan, former Medicare administrator under George W. Bush, has proposed promoting personal health by taxing sugary soft drinks.

Right now, I am trying to buy a Toyota Rav4. This is a small car, but is considered a "mini SUV". Being an SUV, it has giant cup holders like all SUV's. I read somewhere that SUV's that do not have giant cup holders do not get sold. People need a place to put their "supersized" calorie-loaded cokes and pepsi's. (The Toyota Rav4 has added inserts to put into the giant holders, so that us guys who drink "undersized" fluids won't have our drinks rattling around as we drive. They have also added water bottle holders in the side doors. Nice touch!)

A few years ago, I sold my Coke stock... bad move. However, I did keep my Pepsi stock. In spite of the Recession, Pepsi has continued to send me small quarterly dividends. I do not drink sugary soft drinks myself, and neither does Elaine, unless she needs a swift caffeine "fix".

03. I see where a one-story 3,100 square foot building in the Clinton area of Manhattan (10th Ave at 52nd St) is on the market for $3.8 million. It offers a potential income of $75,000. from billboards and has 18,912 square feet in "air rights". (What does that mean? Can't airplanes fly over it? Can the building be built into a skyscraper? Not a very high one I would guess. If they just relied on the billboard income, it would take about 50 years to break even.)

04. Two of the three largest U.S. tobacco companies have filed suit to block marketing restrictions in a law that gives the Food and Drug Administration authority over tobacco. The tobacco makers of Camels, Newport, and others claim that the law (The Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act) severely restricts the few remaining channels open for them to communicate with adult tobacco consumers. They claim that they won't even be able to use color lettering in their ads.

Too bad, guys! I think that the ads should be outlawed completely. Most ads that I have seen (like the suggestive Joe Camel and others) are made to appeal directly to those of our population, namely the young, whose medula oblongatas have not yet matured and who cannot see far enough into the future to visualize their painful throat and lung cancer deaths.

05. The Chicago-based Mercy for Animals organization has issued an undercover video shot at an Iowa chicken hatchery. The video shows unwanted male chicks being tossed alive into a grinder. Apparently, this is common industry practice. (Where is Sinclair Lewis when we need him?)

06. If you have a spare $8.75 million, you can buy Bernie Madoff's Long Island beach home. The ocean-front location is spectacular, but the house is kind of small for a millionaire. Also, there is no garage and no walk-in closets. The home was seized by the U.S. Marshals Service and they have put the property on the market to pay back some investors. Go to www.nytimes.com/business for a slide show of the house.

07. A giant identity theft ring, run by a man from Waldorf, Maryland, has been broken up. There were hundreds of victims, including the wife of Ben Bernanke. The gang of ten people would obtain bank information from stolen wallets and purses and a "bewigged" member of the gang would go to the banks and clean them out.

08. There was a recent cartoon by Horsey in the Providence Journal that showed a Fox Newsman interviewing a middle-aged gentleman carrying a sub-machine gun, and wearing two pistols in holsters. The interviewer asks: "What message are you trying to send by bringing guns to a Presidential event?" The armed man replies: "Guns are chick magnets."
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Uncle Allen, Emily and Mat's house and other miscellaneous stuff

Some Saturday evening stuff:

01. I talked to Uncle Allen's son today and he said that Allen is being his old feisty self with the nurses. Unfortunately, this is not letting him leave the hospital.

02. Emily called to say that they were able to buy the house that they wanted.

03. I went out to Toyota.com and plugged in what I might like to have in a RAV4 automobile. Within minutes a saleman called me.

04. Elaine and I are having crabs and shrimp for supper. Very nice and tasty. Yes, we have now reverted to proper Baltimoreans.

05. I decided today, after reading some stuff from my correspondents, that most of my friends are either radical right wingers or radical left wingers.

06. By the way.. just for your information: ..my friend, John, the guy who jumped out of a plane and landed on a cow... became infatuated with a lady who worked at Social Security, but in a different building. She was very nice looking, except for a small mustache. What John didn't know was that the lady had had a sex change.. although ....there is nothing wrong with that.

I haven't kept up with them, but I hope their life has been pleasant.

07. This reminds me of the woman who told me that my beard was ugly and I should shave it off. I told her that I would shave it off when she shaved her mustache off.

08. Yesterday, we were entertained by a group that has a lead singer with a low voice. For several years now I have tried to tell if this person is a trans-gender person. (And there is nothing wrong with that.) I don't know why I want to know.

Tom Sawyer in drag was found out when someone threw a ball at his lap and he closed his knees; whereas, normally, a woman would stretch her skirt between her knees.

09. I remember a movie about the Office of Secret Service (OSS) and one of the observations to find out if someone was a German spy was to watch them cutting and eating their meat. An American would cut their meat by having the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right. After cutting the meat, the American would shift the fork to the right hand and use it to bring food to the mouth.

The German, however, after cutting the meat, would keep the fork in the right hand and use it to bring food to the mouth. A number of spies were caught this way and executed.

Hey... wait a minute! That's the way I eat! Good thing I didn't meet up with the OSS at lunch during WWII.

10. Yesterday, at BJ's, I noticed a line of five guys in a row, all speaking on their cell phones. I guess they were checking in with their wives. I wanted to tell them: don't buy the milk, it's price is much higher than Giant and Shoppers. I wanted to tell them: don't buy the eggs, their price is skyhigh, even compared to Giant, which is high. However, their price for Brie is phenomenal. Very cheap.

I dread going to BJ's.. I can't get out of there for less than $130! Who said they were a cheap discount store?

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A Vaughansday Two Hour Adventure

10:00 am My Vaughansday adventure for July 20, 2009, began when I met Ray Hartland at the Westminster Senior Activity where he had art works on display. In my estimation, Ray is a fantastic artist, especially in oils. He has also been the President of the Carroll County (Maryland) Artists Guild for three years. I was a member for a couple of the years but had never met Ray.

SEGUE: I joined the Guild because I had seen a display of cartoons among the oils and prints on display at the Carroll Theater. The cartoons were the work of a guy who had worked for me some years before at Social Security. He had not been very happy working with computers so I arranged with Personnel to offer him a job in my home town's SS District Office. He eagerly accepted the job, I wished him well, and I haven't seen him since.

A couple of years later, I went back to my home town and visited the District Office to see how he was making out there. The office manager said: "Who?" "Nobody by that name works here." Apparently, he never showed up and disappeared somewhere in the massive Social Security beaurocracy.

When I saw his display, I decided to join the Guild and get to see him again and learn how his "career" has progressed.. and besides, I thought his cartoons were very well done. In addition, being a kind of caricaturist, I felt that I might fit into the Guild, as he did. However, before I could get to see him, he disappeared again. After joining the Guild and viewing some of their art work, I decided that my work did not rise to their level, so I did not renew my membership.
END OF SEGUE

10:15 am After boring Ray with my stories, I bought a beautiful giclee print of an oil painting of a still-life with red apples and dark tea pot.

SEGUE: Giclee is pronounced GEE'CLAY and is a print of an original prepared in a special printer that holds true to the original and supposedly lasts for 25 years. The print can be put on canvas and it is extremely hard to tell the print from the original.
END OF SEGUE

Elaine and I have been arguing about furniture and art work for the house for three years now, which is why our house is a "work in progress". I hope she will like this print and we can hang it on the wall. (It has the color to match the furniture.) If not, I will take it down to my basement cave and hang it where I can look at it every day. It is good!!

10:30 am I arrived at the Toyota service office in Westminster. On the third of July I received a summons from a Policeman to have a light fixed. The summons told me to have it done.. not for me to replace the light bulb myself. When I had had this situation in the past, the dealerships have soaked me for a service charge, so I expected it now. However, the service manager had a guy come out and stick a bulb in while I waited and only charged me for the bulb ($3)! That's another great thing about living in Westminster.

Also, while I waited for the ten minutes in the new shiny waiting room in the new shiny Toyota dealership, I speed read a Time magazine with an interesting article about Michael Jackson' s life and plastic surgery. Lots of things I had never realized before, if we can trust Time.

10:40 am I walked into the new shiny Toyota new car display area and was immediately accosted by a new shiny saleslady. She seemed disappointed when I was that I just wanted some brochures. But I did ask her about the roominess of a new shiny Toyota Venza. Not as much as I would like to have. I took away brochures for the Highlander, the Avalon, the Sequoia, and the Sienna. My 2002 Camry is still running fairly well, but lots of funny noises and rattles and mysterious dents are telling me that I may need to spend a bunch of money soon. Maybe its time to go in debt for a new car again.. Hmmm.

10:50 am Entrance into one of the local department stores looking for some new clothes. They advertise 30% off just for walking in, 30 to 50 % if you use the mailer coupon, and an additional 30 % off if you use their credit card. Figuring all that in.. if I buy something from the clearance rack, they will have to give me some money.

Unfortunately, they don't carry dress slacks (we call them pants) that fit me unless I want to get the kind that has an expandable waist (made in Pakistan). I have some of those and they keep falling apart. My waist of 46" (gasp!) is too large for any of their lines of clothes. Besides, they don't alter leg lengths, so if I want the pants to fit my short little legs I have to pay an extra $7 a pair to a tailor.

So, I gave up on pants and tried shirts.

Why do dress shirts (made in Thailand) cost so much? Is this inflation? No shirt should cost more than $1.98, just like I paid for my shirts in 1952. You can tell that I haven't bought any shirts for a while. I'll be damned if I'll pay $38 for a shirt! I'll stick to my old stuff, thank you.

11:15 am Time for WalMart. Why is it that you have such a hard time finding a parking spot at this store while hardly anybody is parked at the other department stores. Elaine says their prices are better, but I don't see it that way. Then again, I am a man.

I bought a small stapler. (made in China) I am tired of using staplers that don't completely connect at the back of a document. I also bought a 12" wooden ruler (made in China) to complement my other one, so I don't have to keep track of just one.

In the parking lot, an old man (almost as old as me!) in a giant SUV was eating and drinking and throwing his wrappings out the window. Being disgusted, but not being as civic-minded or brave as Elaine's daughter who accosted a lady throwing a "used" magazine out of her car window, I gave him a dirty look and moved on as he took a big slug of some kind of alcoholic drink.

11:45 am I deposited two Netflix returns in the drive-by mail box. The two movies were:

Desparaux. About some kind of cartoon mouse with big ears. Elaine loved it.. I escaped to the basement.

Inherit the Wind. A Classic! About the Scopes "Monkey Trial". Gene Kelley was ok as an obnoxious H. L. Mencken, but didn't have the Baltimore Bard's style or wit. Spencer Tracy was excellent as was Frederick March. However, the movie can never show how truly crazy the world was in 1927. (and probably still is)

11:55 am Dell computers called me and said that my laptop has been fixed and will be delivered shortly by Fed-EX. Yay!

So.. this was my two hour adventure for today. I had a lot of fun and look forward to the next time my "keepers" take off my chains and let me roam.