Xmas Party Stuff

Elaine and I just got back from a Christmas party. It was the second for me today and one of many that we have scheduled for December. At this evening's party, we had the misfortune to be seated next to an extremely obnoxious, rather stout gentleman.. I will call him B.M. (for Big Mouth).

His first words when he surrounded his chair were directed to J.P., a nice guy I know from another organization. The words were: "Did you go to college? I have a PhD."

He was surprised to learn that J.P. also has a PhD. His next question to J.P. was: "How long was your disertation?" J.P. said that it ran to 89 pages. B.M. said: "Mine was 125 pages, counting footnotes."

Since J.P. did not seem impressed, B.M. turned to me and asked: "Did you go to college?" I pretended not to hear him, so he raised his voice a bit and asked: "Were you in the service?" I could not avoid him and said: "Yes."

B.M.'s next question was: "When were you in?" I told him: "From 1953 to 1956." B.M. replied: "I walked into the Army office in 1954 and stayed in the Army until 1994." I said: "Wow.."

Food came and shut him up for a while. When he was through and no longer wanted the piece of garlic bread that came with his meal, he shoved it nonchalantly over until it was partly on my plate.

Now it was time for him to announce that last year he had gained weight until he was over 400 pounds. Then he had a stomach bypass operation and lost 130 pounds. It looked to me as though he still tipped the scales at his original weight.

As part of the party, we played the "swap" game, and his wife chose his gift which happened to be something that did not please him, but which he "decided to keep" even though the game rules said he had to anyway. And when it came time for me to pick a gift, he announced that I should not get one because I already had picked one, even though I had not.

I wonder where this guy came from and how he got mixed up with this nice group of people. I feel very bad for his wife who was kept from speaking the whole night. I wonder if he ever lets her talk.

You know... he did say he owned a big dog. He probably is a great dog owner. I wonder if that is his only redeeming characteristic. But I'll bet his wife has to walk the dog.

I try to learn something from everybody.. and I am trying real hard to find out what I learned from B.M. I'm trying.. I'm trying.

When I was in a college English composition course, I wrote a short story about "the most obnoxious person I have ever met." I wrote about a guy named Walter... the first line of my story was: "Walter is discovered picking his nose." I would have liked to have written about B.M. in kind of the same way: "B.M. is discovered grossing out everybody within ten feet."

Well I have it.. what I learned from B.M. is: Watch out... gastric bypass operations don't always work.

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