Saturday, December 03, 2011

Joe's Annual Christmas Gift Helper

Well, it's Christmas time again, and we are once again tasked with finding gifts for our friends and neighbors who already have "everything."  What a dilemma!

But.. yesterday, Elaine and I went on a search for those special gifts most people miss.  Elaine's standards are a bit higher than mine.  I look for good cheap items that are are also weird enough to be appreciated by cheap, weird people (not necessarily my friends and relatives.)

Here are some items, available at Big Lots Stores anywhere.  I found them to be intriguing and I am seriously considering purchasing some of them.. meanwhile, I list them here for you to consider when you do your Christmas shopping this year.

01.  For the serious drinker.

A clear glass bottle shaped like a chic high heel, filled with a pink fluid labeled "Non-Alcoholic Martini Mix."  (I guess you can add the booze.)  You can purchase this gem for only $5.

02.  For the serious zaftig-girl watcher.

A "Wings" set, which includes a plate with the "Hooters" logo, a bottle of "the hottest" hot sauce, a basting brush, and tongs.  Everything except chicken parts and a pot to cook it all in.  What a bargain for just $12!

03.  For the serious "retro" lover.

A lava lamp party kit for just $10.  The box says: "Light up your party with LAVA barbecue!"  To make that happen, the kit includes:

a "color-phasing" bottle opener
2 "color-phasing" shot glasses
4 "light-up" plastic ice cubes

Perhaps you could combine this with the "Wings" set and have a retro blast!

04.  For the serious Elvis fan.

An authentic-looking street sign for "Elvis Presly Boulevard".  For just $10, you can replace your existing street sign and drive your mail deliverer and neighbors crazy.

05.  For the "child" in us all.

"Not just another flashlight.  It stands.  It crawls. It walks."  Yes, it's the ROBOT Transforming Flashlight.   When you don't need the bright beam to light your way to the LAVA wing party, you can twist it into all kinds of shapes.  And I think I read where it is only $3.  Now that is definitely a bargain.  Even I would like to get one of those for Christmas.

06.  For your favorite doggie.

Peanut-butter flavored cookies for your best friend.  These "Dog Cookies" sell for only $3, and I'll bet they are delicious.

07.  Also for  your favorite doggie.

A nice bright red Santa Claus suit for your best friend to wear in our upcoming frigid Winter.  A little pricey at $8, but well worth it.  You know... you could combine this with some Rudolph antlers and have a very photogenic opportunity.  Have Staples make your picture into Christmas cards and everyone will talk about you all year long.

08.  For your tone-deaf friends.

Speaking of Rudolph, for $5 you can buy a fluffy Rudolph doll that sings that obnoxious song over and over again when you press his hoof. 

09.  For your friends who have an anger problem.

A "Jack in the Box" type Alvin.  Alvin is one of the famous "Chipmonks".  When he pops up, he starts to sing, along with his squeaky buddies.  This is a great buy at $8.  Give it to a person who has that anger management problem and they can relieve the pressure by throwing Alvin against the  wall over and over.

10.  For your scatalogically inclined friends.

Picture this.  Santa Claus sitting on his recliner, with his cap off, smoking his pipe after his long Christmas Eve journey.  Press Santa's mitten, and he says something to the effect:  "I'm just sitting here resting, after shoveling reindeer poop all day."  Just think of the humorous effect you have caused with your thoughtful $8 gift!

11.  For your "fair weather" friends.

I've saved "the best" for last.  This is a kneeling Santa Claus, holding high an unrolled "naughty" list.  Santa is smiling broadly and when you press his knee, he gives out with repeated "Hee Hee's" while he shakes uncontrollably, and farts continually.  His title is "Farting Santa" and he also costs $8.

So.. there it is ..  my research is done for 2011.  I hope it has helped you decide on a gift for someone who had been difficult to match with something appropriate.

Merry Christmas.. and remember that the best gift you can give someone is "yourself."