Weekly Dozen

Thanks to The Week magazine, Mensa news, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, NPR Radio and my experiences, there always seems to be 12 weird things to mention each week:

01. Eureka! At last the lightbulb shown over comic book characters when they have a great idea has been recognized as not just a comic convention. A recent study showed that when an ordinary light bulb is turned on over a person's head, they become more creative. (Flurescent bulbs don't work the same way. Neither do tulip bulbs.)

02. X-Ray Vison. Speaking of comics, the old comic books often had great offers to tempt young kids in order to grab their their ten cent allowances. These offers were usually in the back of the comic book and one of them was an advertisement for X-Ray glasses that could see through clothes.. "just like Superman!" Although tempted, I never gave in and I still wonder how those glasses worked.

Now, 60 or 70 years later, the dreams of adolescent boys have come true. At airports, there is equipment that does look right through clothes. Siegel and Shuster would be amazed that their Superman vision has become reality.

Recently, an airport employee filed suit to stop the teasing and ridicule he has received since he volunteered to try out the new "see through clothes" machine. Apparently, the machine saw more than he would have liked it to see.. while his co-workers looked on and began to laugh and make fun of parts of his anatomy.

03. Underclothes: Perhaps the airport guy should have been wearing lead-lined panty-hose. All kidding aside, there now is panty-hose for men, and, you guessed it, it's called "manty-hose".

Since women don't seem to want to wear panty-hose anymore, other uses must be developed for the ones that are left over. I found that if you took a pair of your wife's old panty-hose and cut the legs with scissors so that you made circular bands, they were ideal for staking us unruly tomato plants. Since I plan to have unruly tomato plants again this year, I will have to get more panty-hose to cut up. This is a problem for some single men.. There is no way that a non-quiche eating man would purchase ladies' underwear. (I'm assuming that "manty-hose" isn't on the market yet. I could be wrong.)

04. Equal Rights: Even though this blog is getting dangerously close to scatology, I must continue for a bit. Congress, this week, has been debating the "Potty Parity Law".. this law would require future Government structures to have enough Ladie's Rooms so that they would not have to wait in long lines. I don't know if this will apply also to public entertainment places like Baltimore's beautiful Lyric Theater. When I attended the opera at the Lyric, the men got into and out of the men's room in seconds, while the ladies were still waiting in line when the curtain rose for the second act. Bigger ladie's rooms or more ladie's rooms.. one or the other is needed, or both.

05. Lung cancer: I was driving down East Main Street in Westminster, Maryland the other day. It was a beautiful Spring day and many people were walking around the downtown of this very safe city. But I noticed that a large number of these strollers had white tubes in their mouths. I also noticed that fellow automobile drivers were also smoking, and many were talking on their cell phones while they smoked and drove. Didn't they get the message?

In 1974, I saw a message printed on a cigarette package, and even though I smoked a pipe and cigars at the time, it caught my attention. It read: "Smoking causes lung cancer." That light bulb that I mentioned went off over my head and I threw away my pipe, tobacco, and cigars, and haven't smoked again.. that was after smoking since my eleventh birthday. I got the message.

06. Oil Spill: Did a Blowout Preventer not work? BP says yes.

07. Cat's Paw: Scientists have determined that male cats are left-pawed, and female cats are right-pawed.

08. Another use for Panty Hose: I forgot this one. You can keep your onions fresh in panty-hose. (Which might be why Manty-Hose has been developed. ... Sorry.)

09. Playboy: Hugh Heffner says that he is planning to have a 3D version of the Playboy magazine. Will that come out before or after the Braille edition?

10. Oldie but goodie! Betty White at 88 years was a smash on Saturday Night Live. She got them the highest ratings they have ever had. She is a treasure and a natural born comic. Who said that old-timers must be neither seen nor heard?

11. Apocalypse soon? Somebody left me a little comic book that was not very "comic". The gist of it is that the Pope will take over the world and set himself up as the Anti-God, and everyone who is not "saved" will be cast into a lake of fire as the true angry God destroys the world. The cover page shows some chubby devils running away yelling "NO". I would suggest that the people who put out this booklet relax and sit back and stop scaring gullible people.

12. Telephone scripts: Once again, I goofed and thought that I could get something done over the phone. I called my telephone company to ask why my bill was $2 more this month than last month. The call went something like this:

Robot Voice: Good morning. Please listen to our menu, as it has changed. Say or press the number .

Joe Vaughan: Two, billing.

RV: I'm sorry, I did not understand.

JV: Two.

RV: I did not understand. Please press the number.

JV: 2

RV: That is not valid, please press the number you desire.

JV: 2

RV: That is not valid. What is your name?

JV: Joseph Vaughan.

RV: What is your name?

JV: Joseph Vaughan.

RV: Please press the letters on the keypad.

JV: joseph vaughan

RV: I am transferring you.

New Robot Voice: Hello. Please listen to the menu choices, as they have changed.

JV: Five

RV: I'm sorry I did not understand.

JV: 5

RV: That is not a valid choice. I am transferring you.

New Robot Voice: Please speak or type your account number.

JV: (account number)

RV: Please speak or type your account number.

JV: (account number)

RV: That is not a valid number, please type or say the number in the right hand upper corner of your monthly bill.

JV: &%^$!!)&!!

RV: That is not a valid number, please type or say the number in the right hand upper corner of your monthly bill.

JV: To hell with it!

RV: That is not a valid number, please type or say the number in the right hand upper corner of your monthly bill.

JV: Good bye!

RV: Thank you for contacting us. We look forward to continuing our telephone services with you.

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