Our Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa, here is our wish list for Christmas 2010.

To make it easy for you, we have picked items from some of the voluminous catalogs we are receiving every day during this holiday season. If you want, we will leave a pile of these catalogs under our dryer vent (we don't have a chimney) so you can take them with you when you leave . They are a lot of fun to read, and we recommend them to everyone, including the Mrs and your busy elves.

Joe wants: A false hair "transplant" hat/visor. These come mostly in spiked hairdos and weird colors. He would rather have one with black/grey hair, so he can look a little younger, but not so young that he looks like a teen-ager.

The other day, at an AARP Diversity Workshop, many of the attendees said the most noticable thing about themselve was their "grey hair." Grey, hell! At our age, the hair is WHITE!

(Except for Elaine. Her hair will never get grey or white. OK?!)

Elaine wants: A sweatshirt that displays: "I don't do mornings!"

Joe wants: A pair of kilts. When we were in Scotland, Joe asked our kilted guide what is worn under kilts. He replied, "Nothing.. everything is in working order."

Elaine wants: A sweat-shirt with the letters NCIS. She likes this because it reminds her of the TV show. Neither Elaine nor Joe know what the letters mean.

Joe wants: A Therapeutic Dog Bed: Although the 42 x 52 inch bed is made of foam and is designed to be used by a dog, it looks so comfortable that Joe could use it when Elaine snores. (She says she doesn't snore. But she does, and she also talks Chinese in her sleep.)

Elaine wants: A Therapeutic Dog Bed: Although the 42 x 52 inch bed is made of foam and is designed to be used by a dog, it looks so comfortable that Elaine could use it when Joe snores. (He says "Nay, Nay!" ... but he lies a lot.)

Confusius says: "The one who snores always falls asleep first."

Elaine wants: A sign that says: "I'm so busy, I don't know if I found a rope or lost my horse."

Joe wants: A red and green sweat shirt that is imprinted with the words: "O Come Let Us Adore Me." That would be appropriate for the Joe Vaughan Fan Club.

Elaine wants: A pair of bright pink "Cuddl Duds" to keep her toasty warm during the La Nina Winter.

Joe wants: A toilet seat that looks just like a manhole cover.

It would remind him of when he was a kid and the street baseball would roll down the "sand catcher" and into the sewer. One of the kids would hang upside down close to the sewer water, held on the legs by another kid, and retrieve the (kind of smelly) ball, ... plus other floating balls as a bonus.

Elaine wants: Elvis Presley sneakers. They include Elvis' name spelled out in false jewels.

Joe wants: The Christmas classic Leg Lamp! You've all seen the TV story. What a wonderful holiday decoration that will make!

Elaine wants: A 3-piece synthetic Ghillie Suit, perfect for concealment while hunting. Elaine doesn't hunt, but likes the way the material drapes. It kind of looks like hanging moss or khudzu, and the color seems to go with most of the Alfred Dunner blouse designs she likes.

Santa, we think that this is enough. We don't want to appear greedy. Thanks in advance for the neat gifts. And don't believe what you read in the police log. We were not naughty. It was a "trumped-up charge."

Merry Christmas!
................................................................................................................................