The Latest News on December 4th 2010

..........01. Boring day! At last, scholars have determined that the most unevential day in recorded history was April 11, 1954! On that day, not one historical event took place.

I beg to differ! This was the date that I arrived by means of a back-breaking, death-defying ride up to the top of a mountain near the town of Pruem, Germany. (Americans must be careful how they pronounce the name of this town.) We were now in the Schnee Eiffel mountains. "Schnee" means "snow" and this is where I served as a "frozen airman" for 18 months. It was also the day when I bared my chest and donned my wartime gear to have my memorable "lean, mean, fighting machine" picture taken. (I had been a little fortified against the cold by some Bitburger Pils, a local beer that was quite a bit stronger than Budweiser and guaranteed to cause enormous amounts of pungent gas to be discharged.)

(Sorry that the picture is so small. My photo software refused to make it any bigger.)

..........02. New scam. A friend just received a fancy printed letter saying that he has won one quarter of a million dollars. All he has to do to receive the money is to send $20. to cover shipping costs and taxes. At the bottom is a form for checking how you are paying: Check ___ Cash ___ Money Order ___ The small amount of money required is a new twist to an old scam.

If you send cash or a money order, the scammer has at least gotten a little money from you. But, if you send a check, the scammer will use it to wipe out your bank account.

If you get a letter like this, report it to the Post Office or the local police station.. but, in no case, should you send any money.

..........03. Silvio.. shame on you. If the news reports are true, Italy's leader, Silvio Berlusconi has been active in other fun things beside "bunga bunga". It is reported that he recently spent lots of Government money to repair genitalia on an office statue. (Don't worry, if a Vatican envoy visits his office, I'm sure that a fig leaf will be in place in no time.)

..........04. Forbidden fruit. Somebody has figured out how to inject apples with botox so that they never turn brown. (My dentist now gives botox shots as a cosmetic aid! Why would anyone want to get stuck with the poison used to kill animals by Amazon natives?)

..........05. Got the time? The furniture company, BDDW has developed the Nixie desk clock. Each clock is made by hand, and the company makes two to three units at a time. These clocks cost from $2,500 to $12,400. The clock cases are guaranteed for 20,000 years, but the time is shown in little glass circles that require bulbs that only last 2 years.

..........06. Bieber fever? On a prominent wall in the home of an arrested notorious Brazilian drug dealer was found a giant poster of Justin Bieber.

..........07. What God has forgotten: Fast Company magazine reports that medical tourism is growing 35% each year.

Some of the locations and prices:

Lip Augmentation: China: $500.

Breast Augmentation: Costa Rica: $3,800.

Cheek Implant: Spain: $1,942.

Butt Lift: Brazil: $6,000.

..........08. Classy words. I just got through reading the book Reading the OED, One Man, One Year, 21,730 Pages by Ammon Shea. For dictionary cookoos like me, the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) is the greatest dictionary every written. Its most intriguing feature is its quotations from famous people who have used or even created each word.

Ammon resolved to read all of the entries in this massive work, and he did. His book tells us about his effort and gives some examples of interesting words that he discovered among the pages.

Let me give you an example of some of the words he found in a little story:

A Trip on the Subway

In a matudinal state, I decided to ride to work on the subway. On the trip, a sansculottic, cimicine, xanthodontous grinagog sourged me and I became nauseant. However, I tried to remain in a state of nemesism like a true garbist.

Looking down, I gaumed a repertitious dollar. I retrieved it and made it a xenium for my subway neighbor. (This was a naturesse, if I do say so myself.)

Feeling good about the xenium, my subway neighbor made an act of redamancy by providing a miskissing.

Disgusted with this engouement and suddenly micturient, I departed the train at the next stop.

..........09. Palindromes. Famous Canadian puzzlers, Joaquin and Maura Kuhn published a puzzle book in 1980 with the title: Rats live on no evil stars. All of the puzzle words are palindromes.. which read the same frontwards as backward. You remember the old palindromes: Able was I ere I saw Elba. (related to Napoleon).. or A man, a plan, a canal, Panama (related to T.R.) ...

Some of their words:

Cain, a monomaniac

Drawn inward

Haiti, ah!

Mad Adam

Niagara, O roar again

Red robe border

Rise, Sir!

To do Godot

Wet stew

I'm a last salami

..........10. Punchlines. A German study of brain activity reports that brain disease of the right frontal lobe causes one to tell bad jokes. (So that's my reason.)

My greatest bomb as a standup comedian was when I decided to just tell the punchlines and not the jokes.

..........11. Satan is smiling?. The Catholic church has instituted exorcism training, to be given in Baltimore, Maryland. (Is the devil behind all of the senseless killings in the Baltimore area?

..........12. LOL! The Wakefield (Massachusetts) Track and Field team handed out shirts with the teams initials: WTF. They are contemplating a recall.

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