Joe's Annual Christmas Gift Helper

Well, it's Christmas time again, and we are once again tasked with finding gifts for our friends and neighbors who already have "everything."  What a dilemma!

But.. yesterday, Elaine and I went on a search for those special gifts most people miss.  Elaine's standards are a bit higher than mine.  I look for good cheap items that are are also weird enough to be appreciated by cheap, weird people (not necessarily my friends and relatives.)

Here are some items, available at Big Lots Stores anywhere.  I found them to be intriguing and I am seriously considering purchasing some of them.. meanwhile, I list them here for you to consider when you do your Christmas shopping this year.

01.  For the serious drinker.

A clear glass bottle shaped like a chic high heel, filled with a pink fluid labeled "Non-Alcoholic Martini Mix."  (I guess you can add the booze.)  You can purchase this gem for only $5.

02.  For the serious zaftig-girl watcher.

A "Wings" set, which includes a plate with the "Hooters" logo, a bottle of "the hottest" hot sauce, a basting brush, and tongs.  Everything except chicken parts and a pot to cook it all in.  What a bargain for just $12!

03.  For the serious "retro" lover.

A lava lamp party kit for just $10.  The box says: "Light up your party with LAVA barbecue!"  To make that happen, the kit includes:

a "color-phasing" bottle opener
2 "color-phasing" shot glasses
4 "light-up" plastic ice cubes

Perhaps you could combine this with the "Wings" set and have a retro blast!

04.  For the serious Elvis fan.

An authentic-looking street sign for "Elvis Presly Boulevard".  For just $10, you can replace your existing street sign and drive your mail deliverer and neighbors crazy.

05.  For the "child" in us all.

"Not just another flashlight.  It stands.  It crawls. It walks."  Yes, it's the ROBOT Transforming Flashlight.   When you don't need the bright beam to light your way to the LAVA wing party, you can twist it into all kinds of shapes.  And I think I read where it is only $3.  Now that is definitely a bargain.  Even I would like to get one of those for Christmas.

06.  For your favorite doggie.

Peanut-butter flavored cookies for your best friend.  These "Dog Cookies" sell for only $3, and I'll bet they are delicious.

07.  Also for  your favorite doggie.

A nice bright red Santa Claus suit for your best friend to wear in our upcoming frigid Winter.  A little pricey at $8, but well worth it.  You know... you could combine this with some Rudolph antlers and have a very photogenic opportunity.  Have Staples make your picture into Christmas cards and everyone will talk about you all year long.

08.  For your tone-deaf friends.

Speaking of Rudolph, for $5 you can buy a fluffy Rudolph doll that sings that obnoxious song over and over again when you press his hoof. 

09.  For your friends who have an anger problem.

A "Jack in the Box" type Alvin.  Alvin is one of the famous "Chipmonks".  When he pops up, he starts to sing, along with his squeaky buddies.  This is a great buy at $8.  Give it to a person who has that anger management problem and they can relieve the pressure by throwing Alvin against the  wall over and over.

10.  For your scatalogically inclined friends.

Picture this.  Santa Claus sitting on his recliner, with his cap off, smoking his pipe after his long Christmas Eve journey.  Press Santa's mitten, and he says something to the effect:  "I'm just sitting here resting, after shoveling reindeer poop all day."  Just think of the humorous effect you have caused with your thoughtful $8 gift!

11.  For your "fair weather" friends.

I've saved "the best" for last.  This is a kneeling Santa Claus, holding high an unrolled "naughty" list.  Santa is smiling broadly and when you press his knee, he gives out with repeated "Hee Hee's" while he shakes uncontrollably, and farts continually.  His title is "Farting Santa" and he also costs $8.

So.. there it is ..  my research is done for 2011.  I hope it has helped you decide on a gift for someone who had been difficult to match with something appropriate.

Merry Christmas.. and remember that the best gift you can give someone is "yourself."

Merry Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas! I'm afraid of saying "Happy Holidays!" since I read some recent irate letters to the editor of the Carroll County (Maryland) Times and also some comments on Facebook. I thought that there were at least three holidays in December this year: Hanukah, Kwanza, and Christmas.... Perhaps one can avoid ill will with all believers and non-believers at this time of year by saying: "Happy New Year!"

01. Tantrum. Yesterday, Elaine and I spent 5 (!) hours shopping for Christmas gifts. At one store, a 4 year old girl was laying on the floor, kicking her feet while her mother tried, in a nice tone of voice, to get her to relinquish the expensive and breakable Christmas ornament that she was clutching with a "death grip."

Elaine, seeing that the mother did not know how to handle the situation, addressed the child and said that she should remember that Santa Claus is always watching and remembering bad behavior. This caused the child to at least stop screaming and look intently at Elaine.

Since I was pushing Elaine in her wheelchair and Elaine knew I was behind her, she thought that the child would see me as Santa and repent. However, Elaine forgot that during the afternoon, I had had my beard trimmed. I lost most of my fluffy white beard and no longer looked like that jolly old codger. So, after pausing to look our way, and not seeing Santa, the coast was clear for the child to continue to scream and carry on.

Over the years, I discovered that if you let a screaming child continue to act that way and you completely ignore them, suddenly they will look around, and finding no audience, stop their tantrum. Apparently, the exasperated mother did not want to do that and finally grabbed the ornament roughly out of the kid's grip, picked her up by the nape of her coat collar and hustled her out of the store, still kicking and screaming. (I will have to make sure I have a hunk of coal to leave in this kid's stocking on Christmas eve.)

02. Shoplifting? On the way out of our last store yesterday, Elaine noticed an elderly woman stuffing boxes of $10. "electronic coin counters" into a massive shopping bag. She wondered if the woman was shoplifting and should be reported. We discussed it a bit.

a. Did she look like a thief? (No, she looked like a kindly old lady.)
b. Was there anybody to tell? (Nobody in sight, it was close to 11pm and only one or two cashiers were working.)
c. Were there cameras recording floor activity? (Yes, all over the place. Recently, a TV show disclosed how viewers in hidden store offices watch all of the activity in the store and report suspicious activity to hired detectives. .. so, remember that when you scratch your butt and think nobody can see you.)

We decided not to get involved. What do you think we should have done?

03. Recession? Once again this year, we had to ride around and around to get a place to park. People were parked on grass, across the street, in the driveways, .. all over the place. And the stores were so crowded we had a hard time getting around. Also, we had to wait in line to get waited on. Kohl's Department Store even had numbers to give out ... like they have at deli counters in super markets.

04. Happy Valentine's Day! Now that most of the Christmas gifts have been bought and store shelves are fairly empty, the Valentine's Day stuff is making an appearance!

05. Decorations. Most of the houses where we live have lots of wreaths and lights as Christmas decorations. I try not to be ostentatious, so I decorate "lightly".. by that I mean that I usually put up one light, in the form of a Mennonite star. Since my old stars had gone nova, I bought a new one for this year. Have you ever tried to put one of those things together? It is a job.

I put most of it together and got very frustrated. Elaine felt sorry for me and finished the job. Yesterday I hung it outside with a long green (I couldn't get a white one) outdoor electrical cord. It is a bit bright. So bright that the three wise men would probably not have a very hard time following it.

That star, as well as three beat up old wreathes, a small Christmas flag, and a big shiny new wreath for the front door, are our Christmas decorations this year.

06. Uncalled for decorations. A certain Mr. Vogel of Towson, Maryland, woke up to find his formerly undecorated house, decorated with ornaments, animals, and lights.. all illuminated by long extension cords. Mr. Vogel called the police, who are investigating. Is this somebody's attempt at a 2010 version of A Christmas Carol?

07. Merry Christmas, Hon! I'll bet that the Cafe Hon in Hamden, Baltimore City, Maryland, is decorated with Christmas Flamingos. They will probably be the usual pink, but with green and red ornaments. Hamden goes in big for Christmas.

Unbelievably to me, some grinches are protesting the fact that Ms Whiting arranged to get a copyright on the term "HON". They have actually picketed her establishment. Get a life, guys!

08. Flash! I just heard that an anteater baby has been born at a local zoo. I don't know if this is the Baltimore Zoo or the DC National Zoo. But how are they going to get any ants for food at this cold time of year?

09. Statistics. As a computer programmer for the Social Security Administration, I supplied our research and statistics analysts with record selections and counts from every computer run. Most of this information was provided to a nice lady who wore famously outlandish hats. Her office was across the street from the main Social Security building and I always wondered what she did in her office that produced such marvelous statistics, used by all kinds of Government Agencies.

One day I got her permission to come and see how this statistical research was done. I expected to see a battery of giant computers whirring and spitting out beautifully typed reports based on the information provide by us to her. Instead, I found a pleasant little office with a gigantic round table in the middle, around which ten grandmotherly looking ladies were rapidly walking, chattering away amicably, as they extracted and inserted pages of printed material out of and into large stacks of other pages of printed material.

I asked her why she didn't automate this activity and she replied that this way there was no duplication of information and therefore no distorted statistics. O.K., I guess I kind of understood that... thirty years ago. But I'll bet this process is done differently today.

10. Special statistics. (As reported in This Week magazine.)

a. One blinks about 20,000 times each day.
b. The U.S. Government has 854,000 people with a Top Secret clearance.
c. 49% of U.S. voters think that President Obama doesn't deserve a second term.
d. 51% of U.S. voters think that President Obama does deserve a second term.

11. Haiku!

a. Crossword Haiku:

Bob Klahn wrote a clue for a recent crossword puzzle that I think is a classic:

"A poem like this, of 17 syllables, split 5-7-5."

b. T-Shirt Haiku:

"Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator."

c. Cat Haiku:

"You never feed me
Pershaps I'll sleep on your face
That will sure show you."

12. Sex.

Actually, I have nothing to say about sex right now. I just put the label in to try to lure more people to this blog.

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Merry Christmas to most and Happy Holidays to a few. And: Happy New Year to all!

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Christmas Shopping #2 2009

Well, since we never did get any Christmas shopping done last night, we (Elaine) decided that we would set out again at 5 pm today. Our destinations were: The Factory Card Outlet, Boscov's, and Lowes. And, guess what.. we did get to each of them.

At the Factory Card Outlet, we bought a nice card for our friend who is turning 80 tomorrow. We also bought some more XMAS cards. (I don't know how we are going to get all of our cards mailed before Christmas.. but so what, it won't be the first time our cards were late.)

Those who read my blogs know how I feel about clerks asking for your telephone number which they can then sell to brokers for lots of money. At our TRIAD meeting today, we talked about that.. one person said when they are asked for their number, they make one up.. others said that they say: "My number is unlisted." For years, I gave them telephone numbers of elected public officials. Probably, under the Patriot Act, that would be illegal today.

When the clerk asked for my number, I said: "I'll tell you mine, if you tell me yours." She actually started to give me her number until Elaine gave her a dirty look.
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At the Outlet, they had what is probably today's top Tasteless Gift: A pig made out of white candy, with a pile of chocolate malt balls at his rear end. I wonder who buys stuff like that.. no.. I know who buys stuff like that. They drive giant pickups and blast their horns at you to get out of their way.. and when they pass you, you get a good view of the testicles hanging from their trailer hitch.
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White Christmas and I Wish You a Merry Christmas were playing as we shopped.

Next, we went to Boscov's Department Store. Crowded with people.. spending their "stimulus" money? Like Belks, Boscov's has a central perfume section. Like Belks, I have to keep a close watch on Elaine to make sure she doesn't soak up on scent. She smells good without it, but, like all women, she likes perfume.

We bought a nice jade necklace for our friend's birthday. It has Chinese characters embedded in it.. that reminds me of a true story.. one of New York's famous socialites always wore a brass Chinese token around her throat. It looked like one of those coins with a square hole in the middle.

One day, at a party, a Chinese man was a guest and took an interest in her charm. She noticed and asked him to translate.. she had always wondered with the characters meant. He declined politely, but she insisted.. so he translated:

"Admit One to the Hong Kong Brothel."
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Now, I don't know what the characters on the necklace we bought mean.. but there was a clue.. a note said that there were six wishes connected with the jade piece. It didn't say what the wishes were.

One has to be careful with Chinese translations. I have a Chinese scroll that shows a beautiful and scary tiger surveying his jungle area. Very realistic. At one time, I had an employee who grew up in China. I decided to ask her to translate the characters shown below the tiger. She said that she would rather not say what it meant. When I insisted (I was her boss afterall), she finally said: "China is a tiger, waiting to devour the world."
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Well, this seems to be coming true.. It amazes me that in a very short period of time, a poor communist country has turned into one of the outstanding capitalistic countries in the world. Once, only Commisars could afford an automobile.. now, China buys more new cars each year than the United States!
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Elaine and I picked up some small cheap items in Boscov's auditorium.. just as we went to pay for them, the clerk got up, put on her coat and walked out. So, we went outside to another sales station.. nobody was there.. so we went to another, and another, and another.. where were the clerks? It was 6:30 PM and we figured that maybe this was their break time.

I finally spotted a lady who looked like management.. she agreed to check us out and take our money.. but not before looking around and not finding any clerks. Strange.

Next, we went to the (guess what) Alfred Dunner petite section.. just like we did at Belks.. however, at Boscov's they treat the boyfriends and husbands better than at Belks and provide a chair near the fitting room. There I sat for what seemed like hours (but for only 30 minutes), holding Elaine's selections and looking like Musetta's sugar-daddy in LaBoheme.

White Christmas and I Wish You a Merry Christmas were playing over the loud speaker.

(Incidentally, at Boscov's they have a section named after a guy named Clarence.. the prices there are a lot lower than in other sections... it's funny, they put an extra "e" in the word and spell it a little differently.. they spell it: Clearance.)

(Also, from where I was sitting, it seemed as though every piece labeled "Alfred Dunner" was priced as $36. But when Elaine checked out.. each piece rang up at a different price. This is very difficult for a man to understand.)

(I noticed that next to the Alfred Dunner section is a section labeled: Sag Harbor. Now, honestly, is any woman going to wear clothing that has the word SAG in it?)

As we came out of Boscov's a gentleman was blowing his nose into his handkerchief and made a perfect "honk!" In all of the years I have been alive, I have never been able to "honk". This must be a specialty of some men.. I have never heard a woman "honk". It must take a lot of practice to be able to "honk".

Although we were now starving and grumpy.. we made our way to Lowe's and purchased some special light bulbs for our kitchen light. The bulbs seem to last just 2 weeks each before they burn out. We also bought two green extension cords so that we can get our outside wreath lights to glow. Our outlets were dead a couple of days ago. My son-in-law, John, told us what was probably wrong. When the village fixit man came to look into our problem, I told him what my son had said.. and the fixit man found that what John said was true. He reset something or other and then we had power. Power! Power! And don't we all long to have power?

Senator Joe Lieberman has power and he is using it to thwart the wishes of the Democratic Party. There are a number of petitions going around requesting his removal from the Senate. As Disraeli said: "Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely." Witness: Adolph Hitler; Benito Mussolini; Tojo; Stalin; George W. Bush.

Some of you may not agree with what I have just said.. but remember, this is my opinion.. you can have your own opinion.. this is still a free and wonderful country.
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While in Lowe's, the loudspeaker was blaring: White Christmas and I Wish You a Merry Christmas..............

Well, once again.. we managed not to get any Christmas shopping done.. but we had a lot of fun.

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Christmas Shopping 2009

The recession must be over.. the stores are crowded with customers.. at least in Westminster, Maryland. Elaine and I set out tonight about 5 pm for Christmas shopping. We started at Belk's Department Store.. after that, we would be going to Boscov's and then Lowe's.

Belk's is a funny store. It is shaped like a pentagon.. with three outside entrances. About eight years ago, I went to Belk's to buy something or other. Afterwards, I came outside and my car was gone. I was very upset and about to call the police when a guy came over to help me. He asked me "What entrance did you come in?" "Huh! Is there more than one entrance?" Needless to say, I came in one entrance, and went out a different entrance.. so naturally, my car was not near where I came out. When I got my brain in gear, I found my car.

Belk's has a central core, where stinky perfume is sold. I have to steer Elaine away from that spot or she douses herself with scent samples.

Tonight, as we entered the store, Elaine busied herself in trying to find tree ornaments with relative's names. I figured (correctly) that this would take some time, so I wandered off and found some sweaters that I had been looking for. I was proud of myself. XL is now my sweater size, and I picked two good looking ones. When I showed them to Elaine, she said that I should look some more.

I found some very nice looking dark jackets. Years ago, when I lifted weights, I tried to bulk up to a 50 inch chest. I never made it. One of the jackets here was size 48... but when I tried it on... it was too tight!!

So, I tried on a 50... It fit my chest, but my arms looked like a gorilla's as he walks on his knuckles. So, I forgot the jacket. However, there was a size 48 vest that seemed to fit. I tried a nice blue sweater, but it looked like I was about to give birth. I did settle on a black and a dark blue one, because when the light is dim, nobody should be able to see my pot belly. The labels on these sweaters were obviously mis-labeled as XXL.

Meanwhile, Elaine saw some slippers she liked. A black pair was listed as SMALL and they fit perfectly. Out of the remaining 200 pairs of slippers, not another one was listed as SMALL. Because she felt she needed two pair, she settled on a beige (see, men know some colors) MEDIUM Pair. These slippers look like sharpei dogs.. all wrinkled up. But, they will be nice and warm for her this Winter.

Nearby was the Alfred Dunner petite section, and Elaine loves Alfred, so she had to take a little time to check out the new stuff. Normally, where Alfred Dunner stuff is placed, a chair is also placed for tired husbands and boyfriends. Belk's did not have a chair this evening. My thigh and leg were already asleep and I was in agony for what felt like ten hours, but was probably 30 minutes. Elaine bought a nice pair of slacks and now we were ready to check out and go on to our next store.

At the checkout counter, we met a lady who did African hedgehog rescue. Apparently, people buy these exotic pets and then dump them when they get tired of caring for them. So, this lady rescues them.. and keeps them. Right now she has eleven and is looking for more.

These creatures live for 5 years and one gets very much attached to them. They are very cuddly. At night, this lady lays on a couch to watch TV and the hedgehogs climb onto her body and watch TV too. When she nods off, some of them get loose and wander through the house, getting in trouble.

We talked with this lady for a long time and eventually paid our bill and left the building. It was 7 pm and it was COLD. So, since we were worn out, cold, and tired, we decided to see the Colonel, get some grilled chicken and head for our warm little house. We didn't get any Christmas shopping done tonight, but we had a lot of fun.
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