The Craziness Continues

Herman Melville said it:

"Heaven have mercy on us all -- Presbyterians and Pagans alike -- for we are all somehow dreadfully cracked about the head, and sadly need mending."
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Well, the Congressional bodies have finally agreed (kind of) on a way out of the debt ceiling mess.  My hat is off to the President for keeping an ace in his pocket.. the ability to discontinue the Bush-area tax breaks for the rich when it comes up for renewal.  This should be a great bargaining chip when this madness begins again shortly.

S+P (you know, the rating agency that some feel contributed to the depression we have been experiencing) has downgraded the US' credit rating, in spite of the "agreement" that Congress hammered out.  They want to stick to their decision, even though the Feds have pointed out a massive money error in the calculations used for that decision.

Anyway.. I hope that voters will look back on the madness that just went on in Congress.. and take that into consideration when they enter their polling booths next time.  In my personal opinion, the current crop of "freshmen" should be dumped as well as a lot of "old-timers."  This "my way or the highway" attitude is killing our Country.

Sorry to ramble on.  Let me get to some other crazy stuff:

01.  Pensions

I belong to the National Active and Retired Federal Employees (NARFE), an Organization of persons who have given years of their life in service to the United States of America and an easy target for cost-cutting politicians.  One of the groups that have fought NARFE over the years because they felt that Government pensions, with cost-of-living adjustments was bankrupting the Country was called PEPS.   I can't find anything on the Internet about PEPS since 1996.  It probably was subsumed into some other like-minded organization.

A co-founder of PEPS was Hastings Keith, a former Republican Congressman from Massachusetts, who said that he was concerned about the "overly generous" Federal pensions.   He certainly had a point when it came to his own pensions.. he received a pension for his service in Congress, a pension for his military service as a Colonel,  regular Social Security benefits, as well as "Widower's" benefits. (If I recall correctly, to get "Widower's" benefits under Social Security, one would have to have been dependant on one's wife for several years).

Mr. Keith described himself as a "true double-dipper"..  perhaps he was a quattro-dipper? 

Even though I disagree with the concept of PEPS, I must confess that I liked Mr. Keith for many years and may even have voted for him when I lived in Massachusetts. 

02.  "You sexy thing!"

A Pennsylvania State University entomologist was exposed to disparlure, a gypsy moth sex pheromone in 1977.  For many years later, he still attracted male gypsy moths when outdoors during gypsy moth mating season.

When I had a house with an acre of greenery, one year,  I was bothered with Japanese beetles.  I bought a trap that consisted of a container with some kind of beetle pheromone ..  guaranteed to get those pesky beetles bottled up.  That worked.. however, I should have realized that the pheromone would also call out to beetles in other people's yards.  "Hey, sweetie.. come on over to the Vaughan's!"  Yes, I was inundated with Japanese beetles.. the bottles would fill up several times a day and the smell remains in my nostrils even today.  Let that be a lesson to you suburbanites.

03.  Quote from a friend:

"When I was a child, my father would sometimes let me sit on his lap and let me drive.  I enjoyed that.  However, some of the people on the bus didn't like it."

04.  Altruist of the Year Award

The Week magazine reports that  a school janitor sold his car, dug into his savings and spent $6,000 on 20 high-grade helmets for the football team where he worked!

05.  California Mistral?

A couple of years ago, while crowned Miss California USA,  a young lady said that semi-nude pictures of her appearing on the Internet were obviously the result of "Photoshopping", while others were taken "on a windy day" that blew her top open without her knowledge.

06.  A tip for you bookish types.

Yesterday, I spent a looong time in a "Dollar Store".  Everything there was one dollar or less.  (When you live on a fixed pension, you have to look for bargains these days.)   One section was devoted to "remainders".. books that have not sold in the regular book stores.  (Stand by for Borders!)

Hidden in the pile of books was one I had been debating about buying through Amazon, but didn't want to pay what they were asking.  Now I had it for the great price of $1! (This even beats Odd Lots books at $3 apiece.)

All in all, I bought ten $1 books.  All of them on subjects that perhaps would not appeal to the average reader, but are extremely attractive to odd-balls like me.

Question:  What happens if you drop your Kindle and break it?  My printed book can be picked up and used right away.. or put on a shelf, visible, to remind me that it is available at any time.

07.  Snore police!

The Week magazine reports that the Crowne Plaza Hotel chain has started testing "snore absorbtion rooms."  The rooms have soundproof walls and the hotel will hire "snore patrols" to knock on the doors of those who are snoring thunderously.  (Good idea to solve some of the jobs problem.)

08.  Happy Birthday Police.

The Week magazine also reports that Warner Brothers still collects about $2 million a year from public performances of "Happy Birthday".  They bought the rights to this song in 1988.  Whenever it is sung, a royalty payment is supposed to go to WB.  Are you guilty of violating these rights?

A few years ago, our local AARP Chapter got a letter from somewhere (probably WB) saying that because we were a non-profit group, we could get a cut rate on royalties whenever we sang the Birthday song at one of our meetings.  We ignored the letter and are probably now considered "scoff-laws."

Have you ever wondered why the wait-staff at certain restaurants sing their own versions of birthday greetings at your table?  The restaurant doesn't want to be turned in by the Happy Birthday police!

09. Saint Elmo?

I came upon this scrap of newsprint yesterday, but I can't find anything on the Internet to clarify it for me.

"This furry-red "Sesame Street" character (that giggles when you goose its tummy) was "instrumental" in securing the release of 225 hostages held in Peru."

I remember that the leftist group, MRTA, released 225 of 356 hostages held at a Japanese embassy as a "Christmas goodwill gesture."  But what part did Elmo play?

(I did find an article from 1996, telling how a father drove an earth mover over an Elmo doll, as a cheering crowd watched. I imagine they were sick and tired of hearing that damn giggle.)

Have you heard about St. Elmo's fire?  Check it out in Moby Dick (book and/or movie).

http://science.howstuffworks.com/nature/climate-weather/atmospheric/st-elmo-fire.htm

10.  Library of Congress

Well, at least one part of Congress is functioning as it should.  The great library in DC.  At one time, the library could boast over 108 million items on 532 miles of bookshelves.  16 million books. 2 million recordings. 12 million photographs. 4 million maps. 46 million manuscripts. 

About 460 languages plus Braille are represented in the collections.

Have some fun.  Type your name into the search field of the library's online catalog:

http://catalog.loc.gov/

11.  Paper recycling in Afghanistan?

I read where our forces are meeting with representatives of the Taliban.  I wonder what would happen if the Taliban got another foothold in the governance of that country.  Check out this Reuter's report from the 1990's:

Taliban leaders in Afghanistan have banned paper bags in their effort to impose pure Islamic law on the country.  "We respect paper, whether it is written on or not," said the Taliban administration's information minister.  "We have announced that people should not use paper for bags or put paper on the garbage heap."  Shopkeepers in Kabul report that the decree has resulted in a run on toilet paper, as some Afghans are unsure how far the ban will be extended.

12.  Fountain of Youth in Maryland

I live in a part of Maryland that is a very healthful area.  In fact, check out this news blurb in a local paper:  "A 25-year old girl was flown to the Shock Trauma Center Friday evening, following an accident." 
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I should have paid that damn "Happy Birthday" royalty!

The Big Wind (s)

Last year this time, Maryland got over 40 inches of snow. We marked the drift height with magic marker on the door to our deck and its still there.. over 6 feet high. This year, we were blessed with near hurricane winds at the same time. Could it be Groundhog Revenge.. for being disturbed during hibernation?

Yesterday, I spent an hour on my stomach, during 60 MPH winds, trying with all kinds of tools to rescue our storm door from flying off into the ether. I'm glad that the temperature was above freezing. I spoke with Massachusetts relatives who were having the same blast of air, but with wind chills of way below zero.

I spoke with one of my aunts who was celebrating her 91st birthday. She has decided to start counting backwards each year. She is in great shape, so she should be around for a long time.. I hope so. I don't want to hear about any more of my relatives passing on. Since December 8th, I have lost four cousins.. and last week I lost my brother-in-law, Moe. Moe has been like a younger brother to me for over 50 years. During his life, Moe was a pilot, a fisherman, a bear hunter, the owner of an oil business, the owner of an oil-burner repair company, a chef, etc. Besides that, he looked like Sean Connery. He was definitely not your everyday commonplace person.

Once, I asked Moe how he hunted bear. He said that he built a "blind" in a tall pine tree in Maine. Then, he put bait around the bottom of the tree every so often, to get bears used to coming to the tree. Next, early on a cold Maine morning, he would climb up into the blind with his rifle and wait for a bear to come by looking for food. Moe then had one shot to kill the bear. If he missed, the bear would quickly climb up to the blind and have Moe for food.

Now for the news:

01. Iraq. According to the Scripps Howard News Service, Rafid Ahmed Alwan al-Janabi gave "secret information" about Saddam Hussein's biological weapons to the West.. such information is supposed to have been considered in our decision to attack Iraq. Rafid's codename of "Curveball"
was appropriate because he now says that he lied. I wonder how his confession sounds to the survivors of 100,000 dead Iraqis? You just cannot trust anybody these days, can you.

02. Mute? I'm told that this is the fifth year in a row when Justice Clarence Thomas has not said even one word of interrogation during Supreme Court pleadings. One hopes that he will recuse himself from the upcoming Health Care deliberations because of what I have read about his wife's supposed connections with insurance interests.

03. Phobia. I just learned that the word anthophobia is defined as the fear of roses. So, for all guys who forgot to get flowers for Valentines Day, they can tell their girl friends that they just didn't want them to get scared.

04. Another phobia: I also learned that the word pogonophobia is defined as the fear of beards. So, this must have been why I refused to take the Santa Claus job this Winter. I did not want to scare little kids.

I must admit that I am afraid to shave off my beard because there may be lots of wrinkles under there. A lady told me the other day that I certainly did not have many wrinkles for a man of my age.. am I to assume that she has x-ray vision when it comes to beards? If she saw me in my bathing suit, she might change her mind.

05. Swimmers. Speaking of bathing suits.. I wonder if I can make a citizen's arrest of a couple of guys who show up to swim in a pool where we exercise each week. These two guys are in their 50's or 60's and have massive beer bellies that completely hide their "speedo's". A ghastly sight! At least, I wear boxer swim trunks pulled up high over my belly so I don't shock the sensibilities of my fellow swimmers. (There oughta be a law!)

06. Freebie: The following classified ad was published in the Carroll County (Maryland) Times some time ago: Free: "Rooster: 6 month old Bantam, black with beautiful coloring throughout. Must be for pet only. Great for a horse farm. His name is Chase, because that is what is does."

07. Absolution App: Great news. I've heard that there is an IPHONE app that can be used to store your sins until the end of the week, when they can be downloaded to a priest of your choice. This should be a great time-saver.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-12391129

When I first began courting my late wife, we frequented a Polish Catholic church for mass. The mass at her French-Canadian neighborhood church sometimes lasted for two hours on a Sunday morning. However, the Polish church mass was on Saturday night and lasted for just a half hour. Another great time saver.. we thought. Her parents didn't seem to care for the idea, but except for the announcements being in Polish instead of French, the Latin was the same.

08. Pew. Speaking of church, over the years, we became rather remiss in church attendance, in fact, once we lived very close to a Catholic church, but had never been inside. However, upon the birth of our first daughter, my wife's parents took a trip to Maryland to see the baby. Since they would be in Maryland on Sunday, they wanted to go to mass.

Not wanting to tell them the secret of our non-attendance, I lied to them and said that we went to the nearby church for mass. Since my wife had to stay with the baby, I escorted her parents to the church, which was filled with people. I did not see any available pews to sit in. However, there was a flight of stairs off to the side, so I guided my in-laws up the steps. My father-in-law, said: "Are you sure we are supposed to go up here?" I suavely lied: "Of course, we sit up there every Sunday."

As we left the steps, a loud voiced robed man informed us that nobody except the choir was allowed to be in the "choir loft." I was CAUGHT! However, taking into consideration that I wasn't really a catholic, they forgave me, but I'm sure they felt that a hypocritical liar like me would never make it to that "paradise" called Heaven.

09. Paradise: And with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge, I herewith quote some lyrics by a musical group called Rush...

"To seek the sacred river Alph
To walk the caves of ice
To break my fast on honey dew
And drink the milk of Paradise."

10. Found: Another classified ad in the newspaper: "Found: Cat/Kitten, black female, medium hair, very friendly. Arrived at the landfill on the back of a trash truck."

11. Telly belly: I don't know if I read this or saw it on TV. Somebody has developed a mini speaker device that one can swallow and then play through the stomach.. at least for a little while. I wonder if the developer got the idea from the news item of a lady dropping her cell phone into the mouth of a crocodile?

12. Slightly naughty joke: A young couple made love in a cemetery, on a grave slab in the ground. The next day, the girl had a back ache and went to a doctor who examined her and asked: "How old are you?" The girl said: "Why do you ask?" The doctor replied: "Because on you butt it says: 'died in 1933'."

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Happy New Year! 2011! Gasp!

I'm quite pleased with myself. Elaine and I pigged out on pizza and shrimp while we watched the ball drop at Times Square. In spite of that, I only went 173 calories over my daily allotment.

I'm trying to lose 30 pounds and I am using an online program to monitor what I eat and how much exercise I use. So far, I have found it very easy to use and it has a lot of features that I like. If you are interested, take a look at:

http://www.loseit.com/

Based on my diet program, I will reach my goal on July 11, 2011. Hopefully, I am motivated enough to avoid my version of the famous Allen Curve, which I call the Alden Curve, named after a famous Pilgrim relative of mine.

(This Alden Curve works well to show how Gyms make their money ... because most people never follow through with their gym visits.. it also works especially well with diet plans. For instance, when you start, a daily motivation graph line leans upward from zero for about a month. At the end of the month, when it dawns on you that you don't want to diet quite as much, your daily motivation graph line starts to work its way back down to the zero point. When you finally quit your diet, a median line drawn across the graph creates an A. This is the Alden Curve.)

Now, to talk about other stuff.

01. Arachnid Statistic? Somebody has reported that 20% of people engaging in sexual activity, maintain an open contact with the Web at the same time. (How did they get that statistic?)

02. Car Talk: If you visit the Car Talk website, you can see all of the famous staff names that you have heard mentioned over the lifetime of the radio show. Here are a dozen of those names that I thought were interesting:

Ulanda U. Lucky - Air Traffic Controller

Turner Luce - Animal Control Officer

Dot Matrix - Director of Computer Services

Collette O'Day - Clock Watcher

Phyllis Steen - Art Critic

Dot Snice - Art Critic II

Hugh Jass - Clothing Designer

Ed Amame - Bean Counter

Bud Uronner - Appeals Specialist

Hugo First - Bunji Jumper Instructor

Orson Buggy - Assistant Transportation Coordinator

Eureka Garlic - Breathalyzer Administrator

See them all at http://www.cartalk.com/

03. Litigation. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me reports that the mayor of Batman, Turkey is suing the makers of the Batman movie because they have not paid royalties for using the town name.

04. Fishy: Connecticut now has a State fish: the shad. (I wonder what ever happened to an SSA worker named Fred Shad?) Is Massachusetts State fish the scrod? (Check out the words to that famous song: Crabs for Christmas.. my favorite song of the season.)

05. Pay Scale: I may have mentioned this before. Mayor Bloomberg of New York City gets a yearly salary of just $1. However, he only gets 93 cents because 7 cents gets deducted for Social Security.

06. Conspiracy Theory: Carroll County Times (Maryland) columnist Tom Zirpoli says that one of the candidates for Governor of Colorado wants to end the city-wide bicycle rental program in Denver because it is a first step in bringing the US under UN control.

07. Necessity: While the Carnival Cruise Line's Splendor was stranded off of Mexico. The U. S. Navy airlifted a supply of Spam so that the strandees could have some protein.

For those of you young folks who have only heard of one kind of spam, check out this site:

http://www.spam.com/

08. Ailurophiles vs. caninophiles: Fellow Mensan, Richard Lederer, writes:

"Cats are smarter than dogs. (This must be true. Tests conducted by the University of Michigan concluded that while a dog's memory lasts no more than five minutes, a cat's can last as long as sixteen hours, exceeding even that of monkeys and orangutans. And you never see eight cats pulling a sled.)"

"Dogs drool; cats rule."

"If you command your dog to 'Come here', he runs right over with a 'Yes, what can I do for you?' The cat's response is, 'Put it in writing, and I'll get back to you later.' This is why dogs have masters, and cats have staff."

09. True adventure: A new biography by Geoffrey Wolff called: The Hard Way Around outlines the life of Joshua Slocum. Joshua was a young ship's captain who had many adventures, such as violent storms and mutinies even before he left Fairhaven, Massachusetts in 1898, and sailed alone around the world for three years. (Fairhaven is across the Acushnet River from New Bedford (my hometown) and there is a little park with a monument to his voyage next to the river and right near a wonderful Bed and Breakfast, which commands a marvelous view of the New Bedford harbor right out of the bedroom windows.)

10. Reward for speeding: A Massachusetts woman was arrested for throwing a bag of dog poop at a speeding car. It went through his open window and hit him in the face. She has been charged with assault.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I was about ten years old, a nasty guy working at cleaning up a yard, flipped dog poop at me as I rode by on my bicycle. This gave him a marvelous laugh. (I wonder if he was still laughing as he surveyed the flat tires on his truck.)

11. Hard to believe, but true: Google has logged almost 1,000 miles on their self-driving Toyota Priuses in California. Robot cars don't drive drunk, distracted or sleepy. (What happens when a State Trooper tries to pull them over for an equipment violation?)

12. Religious knowledge: According to Tom Harbold in the Carroll County (Maryland) Times.. The Pew Forum on religion and public life conducted a quiz of 32 questions given to a random sampling of over 3,000 people. The persons getting the highest number of questions right were Atheists, Agnostics, Jews and Mormons.

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Have a great time in 2011!

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Merry Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas! I'm afraid of saying "Happy Holidays!" since I read some recent irate letters to the editor of the Carroll County (Maryland) Times and also some comments on Facebook. I thought that there were at least three holidays in December this year: Hanukah, Kwanza, and Christmas.... Perhaps one can avoid ill will with all believers and non-believers at this time of year by saying: "Happy New Year!"

01. Tantrum. Yesterday, Elaine and I spent 5 (!) hours shopping for Christmas gifts. At one store, a 4 year old girl was laying on the floor, kicking her feet while her mother tried, in a nice tone of voice, to get her to relinquish the expensive and breakable Christmas ornament that she was clutching with a "death grip."

Elaine, seeing that the mother did not know how to handle the situation, addressed the child and said that she should remember that Santa Claus is always watching and remembering bad behavior. This caused the child to at least stop screaming and look intently at Elaine.

Since I was pushing Elaine in her wheelchair and Elaine knew I was behind her, she thought that the child would see me as Santa and repent. However, Elaine forgot that during the afternoon, I had had my beard trimmed. I lost most of my fluffy white beard and no longer looked like that jolly old codger. So, after pausing to look our way, and not seeing Santa, the coast was clear for the child to continue to scream and carry on.

Over the years, I discovered that if you let a screaming child continue to act that way and you completely ignore them, suddenly they will look around, and finding no audience, stop their tantrum. Apparently, the exasperated mother did not want to do that and finally grabbed the ornament roughly out of the kid's grip, picked her up by the nape of her coat collar and hustled her out of the store, still kicking and screaming. (I will have to make sure I have a hunk of coal to leave in this kid's stocking on Christmas eve.)

02. Shoplifting? On the way out of our last store yesterday, Elaine noticed an elderly woman stuffing boxes of $10. "electronic coin counters" into a massive shopping bag. She wondered if the woman was shoplifting and should be reported. We discussed it a bit.

a. Did she look like a thief? (No, she looked like a kindly old lady.)
b. Was there anybody to tell? (Nobody in sight, it was close to 11pm and only one or two cashiers were working.)
c. Were there cameras recording floor activity? (Yes, all over the place. Recently, a TV show disclosed how viewers in hidden store offices watch all of the activity in the store and report suspicious activity to hired detectives. .. so, remember that when you scratch your butt and think nobody can see you.)

We decided not to get involved. What do you think we should have done?

03. Recession? Once again this year, we had to ride around and around to get a place to park. People were parked on grass, across the street, in the driveways, .. all over the place. And the stores were so crowded we had a hard time getting around. Also, we had to wait in line to get waited on. Kohl's Department Store even had numbers to give out ... like they have at deli counters in super markets.

04. Happy Valentine's Day! Now that most of the Christmas gifts have been bought and store shelves are fairly empty, the Valentine's Day stuff is making an appearance!

05. Decorations. Most of the houses where we live have lots of wreaths and lights as Christmas decorations. I try not to be ostentatious, so I decorate "lightly".. by that I mean that I usually put up one light, in the form of a Mennonite star. Since my old stars had gone nova, I bought a new one for this year. Have you ever tried to put one of those things together? It is a job.

I put most of it together and got very frustrated. Elaine felt sorry for me and finished the job. Yesterday I hung it outside with a long green (I couldn't get a white one) outdoor electrical cord. It is a bit bright. So bright that the three wise men would probably not have a very hard time following it.

That star, as well as three beat up old wreathes, a small Christmas flag, and a big shiny new wreath for the front door, are our Christmas decorations this year.

06. Uncalled for decorations. A certain Mr. Vogel of Towson, Maryland, woke up to find his formerly undecorated house, decorated with ornaments, animals, and lights.. all illuminated by long extension cords. Mr. Vogel called the police, who are investigating. Is this somebody's attempt at a 2010 version of A Christmas Carol?

07. Merry Christmas, Hon! I'll bet that the Cafe Hon in Hamden, Baltimore City, Maryland, is decorated with Christmas Flamingos. They will probably be the usual pink, but with green and red ornaments. Hamden goes in big for Christmas.

Unbelievably to me, some grinches are protesting the fact that Ms Whiting arranged to get a copyright on the term "HON". They have actually picketed her establishment. Get a life, guys!

08. Flash! I just heard that an anteater baby has been born at a local zoo. I don't know if this is the Baltimore Zoo or the DC National Zoo. But how are they going to get any ants for food at this cold time of year?

09. Statistics. As a computer programmer for the Social Security Administration, I supplied our research and statistics analysts with record selections and counts from every computer run. Most of this information was provided to a nice lady who wore famously outlandish hats. Her office was across the street from the main Social Security building and I always wondered what she did in her office that produced such marvelous statistics, used by all kinds of Government Agencies.

One day I got her permission to come and see how this statistical research was done. I expected to see a battery of giant computers whirring and spitting out beautifully typed reports based on the information provide by us to her. Instead, I found a pleasant little office with a gigantic round table in the middle, around which ten grandmotherly looking ladies were rapidly walking, chattering away amicably, as they extracted and inserted pages of printed material out of and into large stacks of other pages of printed material.

I asked her why she didn't automate this activity and she replied that this way there was no duplication of information and therefore no distorted statistics. O.K., I guess I kind of understood that... thirty years ago. But I'll bet this process is done differently today.

10. Special statistics. (As reported in This Week magazine.)

a. One blinks about 20,000 times each day.
b. The U.S. Government has 854,000 people with a Top Secret clearance.
c. 49% of U.S. voters think that President Obama doesn't deserve a second term.
d. 51% of U.S. voters think that President Obama does deserve a second term.

11. Haiku!

a. Crossword Haiku:

Bob Klahn wrote a clue for a recent crossword puzzle that I think is a classic:

"A poem like this, of 17 syllables, split 5-7-5."

b. T-Shirt Haiku:

"Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator."

c. Cat Haiku:

"You never feed me
Pershaps I'll sleep on your face
That will sure show you."

12. Sex.

Actually, I have nothing to say about sex right now. I just put the label in to try to lure more people to this blog.

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Merry Christmas to most and Happy Holidays to a few. And: Happy New Year to all!

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