It's amazing what one can learn in just one week's time. From pants to crocs, from Rush to Ozzie, and from Futball to cockroaches.
01. Hope for men everywhere: Ladies, have you noticed that your husband has started to carry a basketball around his waist? Some men (present company excluded of course) develop a little (?) paunch when they reach a certain age. This presents a big problem, because if a man used to have a 30 inch waist, but now, because of good living, measures 46 inches around that same waist, pants no longer fit him and he must either buy suspenders, or give up wearing pants altogether.
Now, there is good news for such men.. as shown in the June 2010 issue of Funny Times magazine, famed cartoonist Mark Parisi has let us see "slant-top pants". What a great idea! The back top of the pants are at what used to be the waist, and the belt area slants down to below the belly area, allowing a "melon carrier" to be fashionable and comfortable once more.
02. Short People again: On Wait Wait Don't Tell Me this week, it was reported that France's Sarkozy has now ordered that all of his bodyguards be shorter than his 5'5" stature. When will this end?
They also mentioned that Napoleon was taller than Monsieur Sarkozy at 5'6" or 5'7". That is a surprize to me.. and probably to all the other people who believed that Nappy was around 5' nothing. Hitler was 5'6". Mussilini was 5'6". Stalin was 5'6". Randy Newman might have been right. (But Charles DeGaulle was 6'5" as was our greatest President: Abraham Lincoln.)
03. The Privileged Class: Prior to Princess Diana's death, she and Fergie were observed poking people in the butt with their umbrellas at the Ascot races. (There is the beginning of a poem there, Brother Joe.)
04. American Pie?: GM recently put out a memo requesting that all employees refrain from calling the Chevrolet "Chevy"... too undignified? There were "Chevy" jars set up.. and whenever anyone said the dreaded word, they had to put a quarter in the jar.
My GM stock is now worth about 3 pennies total. I wonder if it will ever go back up again.
05. Beach buoys? Experts have now concluded that crocodiles surf.
In a related story, reptiles have now been banned from public streets, the beach, the boardwalk, alleys and sidewalks in Ocean City, Maryland.
06. Wedding daze: Rush Limbaugh has hired Elton John to perform at his upcoming wedding. He will be paying him one million dollars.
In a related story, it has been determined that orangutangs in the zoo get a bigger kick out of watching humans than humans get watching them.
07. Spelling: A young lady has won the National Spelling Bee. The word that won her the prize was "stromuhr"... my German analysis says this relates to "stream clock".. now what the hell is that? I guess if you are in the medical profession you would know that a "stromuhr" is "a rheometer designed to measure the amount and speed of blood flow through an artery."
OK, now what is a "rheometer"?
Speaking of "spelling", fortune tellers can now legally deceive their customers in Annapolis, Maryland.
08. Doctor, Doctor: The London Sunday Times has announced that Ozzie Osbourne will now be health advisor for their paper.
When Willie Nelson heard about it, he cut off his pigtails.
09. Where is Pele when we need him? I hear that the North Korean fussball team doesn't want to use the new type ball because it is "cursed".
Speaking of "cursed", I also hear that futball referees have been attending the "World Cup Cursing Class for Referees" so that they will know when to be offended and when to throw the "offenders" out of the game. (Or "East Enders?"
10. Heart Healthy: Somewhere I read that there is a new wine from the Netherlands called "Choco Vine". You can guess what that tastes like. I think that you could make your own recipe.. just take that half-eaten Valentines Day heart, melt it in a pan, and mix it with some cheap Burgundy wine, stick it in a wine glass, and drink it to get all the goodness of red wine combined with chocolate.
11. New Terrorist Tactic: It has been reported that terrorists are about to change their tactics.. since they are probably running out of idiots who want to self-destruct. The new tactic will be to leave empty boxes here and there... to annoy us.
12. Tim Conway story: Famous funny man, Tim Conway, told this story on NPR the other day. At a party, when he went into the rest room, he decided to wrap himself in toilet paper. After amusing the guests with "mummy" schtick, someone took a polaroid picture of him and pasted it onto his drivers license.
Tim stayed in his toilet paper suit to drive home.. he tried to drive a little fast so that he would be stopped. Sure enough, a State Trooper stopped him and asked for his license. Tim showed him the license with the picture pasted on. The trooper looked at the picture and then at Tim and said: "Ok, you can go, but try to drive a little slower."
This story is a lot like my Social Security monkeys story.. elsewhere within my blogs.
.... See ya!
Showing posts with label Rush Limbaugh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rush Limbaugh. Show all posts
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Weekly Dozen
Let's see if I can come up with 12 weird news items and random thoughts for the first week in 2010. Some of these items were mentioned in Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and others came from radio, TV, newspaper or magazine sources.. and some from my own aging brain.
01. Why do software developers make you open a string of years to get to your own year of birth? In my case, it takes me a long time to scroll through all those years until I hit my year.
And besides, it's depressing to know that I am that old! Instead, they could just say "type in your year of birth." And why do they need to know how old you are anyway? Teenagers lie about their age to be thought older and old folks lie about their age to be thought younger.
So.. my suggestion to the software developers would be: just say: "Pick a year of birth that pleases you."
02. 3D TV is coming! Flushed with the success of the Avatar movie, some enterprising persons are getting it ready to spring on the U.S. market. (Will we have to wear special glasses? Will our cats and dogs be scared? Our cat, SuZee watches TV with us and sometimes sudden movements make her jump.)
03. I wonder is anyone has thought of a new way to fill the country's ailing coffers: selling pictures from full body scans at airports. As I understand it, faces will be blanked out, so nobody will recognize who the person in (save in a few exceptional cases).. the best buyers of this material would probably be Middle School boys, and they are the ones who seem to have the most disposable income.
Actually, to expand on that, the Government could sell viewing tickets.. or maybe, plug the scans into a 24 hour closed circuit cable channel selling subscriptions like is done for HBO and the like. Perhaps some new kind of game shows or reality TV could be developed from this. The possibilities are endless.
04. I understand that the Pope will now be copyrighted... I wonder what that means. Does that have anthing to do with being knocked down by that crazy lady?
05. Some sharks have been implanted with radio devices that automatically text where they are so that lifeguards can warn swimmers. (Texting sharks.. what next?)
06. The inventor of the McDonald's Quarter Pounder died recently. I wonder what the cause of death was.
07. Would you believe this? (Frequent flyers know this already.) Sky Mall sells an eyeball massager!
08. Due to the current cold weather in Florida, chilled iguanas are falling out of trees.
09. A Dr. Frankel has suggested that Mona Lisa's smile was caused by high cholesterol. (Hey.. maybe we all could have our pictures painted to help our doctors in their diagnostic activity.)
10. Watch out! Apparently, some jokesters are putting baking soda in ketchup bottles in some restaurants. When the cap is opened, the ketchup explodes onto your nice new necktie. (Guess what's going to happen when the word gets out about this one.)
11. Hewlett Packard has developed a new web cam that automatically follows you.. as long as you are a pale white person.
12. Someone has developed a transparent toaster. Now you can get your toast just right.
Bonus:
Left shoe thieves are at it again in Sweden.
Leno may be coming back to his old time slot.
After being treated for chest pains, Rush Limbaugh (multi-millionaire) says that the US health system doesn't need fixing.
.....................................................
01. Why do software developers make you open a string of years to get to your own year of birth? In my case, it takes me a long time to scroll through all those years until I hit my year.
And besides, it's depressing to know that I am that old! Instead, they could just say "type in your year of birth." And why do they need to know how old you are anyway? Teenagers lie about their age to be thought older and old folks lie about their age to be thought younger.
So.. my suggestion to the software developers would be: just say: "Pick a year of birth that pleases you."
02. 3D TV is coming! Flushed with the success of the Avatar movie, some enterprising persons are getting it ready to spring on the U.S. market. (Will we have to wear special glasses? Will our cats and dogs be scared? Our cat, SuZee watches TV with us and sometimes sudden movements make her jump.)
03. I wonder is anyone has thought of a new way to fill the country's ailing coffers: selling pictures from full body scans at airports. As I understand it, faces will be blanked out, so nobody will recognize who the person in (save in a few exceptional cases).. the best buyers of this material would probably be Middle School boys, and they are the ones who seem to have the most disposable income.
Actually, to expand on that, the Government could sell viewing tickets.. or maybe, plug the scans into a 24 hour closed circuit cable channel selling subscriptions like is done for HBO and the like. Perhaps some new kind of game shows or reality TV could be developed from this. The possibilities are endless.
04. I understand that the Pope will now be copyrighted... I wonder what that means. Does that have anthing to do with being knocked down by that crazy lady?
05. Some sharks have been implanted with radio devices that automatically text where they are so that lifeguards can warn swimmers. (Texting sharks.. what next?)
06. The inventor of the McDonald's Quarter Pounder died recently. I wonder what the cause of death was.
07. Would you believe this? (Frequent flyers know this already.) Sky Mall sells an eyeball massager!
08. Due to the current cold weather in Florida, chilled iguanas are falling out of trees.
09. A Dr. Frankel has suggested that Mona Lisa's smile was caused by high cholesterol. (Hey.. maybe we all could have our pictures painted to help our doctors in their diagnostic activity.)
10. Watch out! Apparently, some jokesters are putting baking soda in ketchup bottles in some restaurants. When the cap is opened, the ketchup explodes onto your nice new necktie. (Guess what's going to happen when the word gets out about this one.)
11. Hewlett Packard has developed a new web cam that automatically follows you.. as long as you are a pale white person.
12. Someone has developed a transparent toaster. Now you can get your toast just right.
Bonus:
Left shoe thieves are at it again in Sweden.
Leno may be coming back to his old time slot.
After being treated for chest pains, Rush Limbaugh (multi-millionaire) says that the US health system doesn't need fixing.
.....................................................
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