More Foolishness

01. Insight: I know that some people do read blogs like mine.. especially in Japan where some entries are used to facilitate English lessons, or at least that is what I have been told through some emails I have received and from the large number of Japanese comments posted to one of my blogs.This reminds me of a "life lesson" from when I was in the eighth grade:

I had been working hard to build my muscles through weight lifting for a couple of years, but I had overheard some girls saying that guys with large muscles looked ugly. That bothered me for some time, until I visited one of my friends' girl friend's home.. on her bedroom wall, she had posted large pictures of weightlifters and bodybuilders flexing their massive muscles. She and her two girlfriends were "oohing" and "aahing" over the pictures. That is when I gained my insight:

As the song goes: "Some girls don't like boys like me...... ahhh! but some girls do!"

02. Bad taste: Doctors have reported that Pine Nut Syndrome is with us again. This occurs to certain people who eat too many pine nuts. Somehow, their tastebuds are screwed up and they have a tinny taste in their mouths for up to six months. I love to eat pine nuts but have not yet experienced bad taste.. at least not in my mouth.

03. Immigration: Harpers reports that almost 400,000 immigrants have been deported from the US during President Obama's first year in office. (Did you read that, Lou Dobbs?)

04. Super tool: I received an ad for a "pocket saw" that supposedly can cut through any substance known to man. It folds up like a jack knife and can be put into one's pocket, and apparently remain undetected until needed for tasks like decapitation.

05. Itching to know? I read about a site where you can find out about possible infestation in your New York City hotel. http://www.bedbugregistry.com/

06. Cut it out, Imam! In a move that will cause the hairs to rise on the back of your neck, Iran has banned the Mullet haircut. At last Iran has done something I can agree with. http://hubpages.com/hub/Mullet-Haircuts

07. Finally! British researchers have determined that the chicken came before the egg, based on scientific examination of egg shell material! (Now, where the devil did the chicken come from?)

08. Funny phrase: Yesterday I heard a lady tell her friend: "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a month of Sundays." (Does anyone know where that phrase comes from? I'll bet my brother Joe does.)

09. Wino test: NPR reports that Harrisburg, Pennsylvania is testing a wine buying set up for supermarkets. One accesses a video hookup in a kiosk and a person remotely checks the personal information that you supply (name and date of birth at least) and then, if you are who you say you are, and over 21, you are asked to breathe into a tube and undergo a check to make sure you are not already drunk. Once you pass all these tests, you can open the door and extract wine that is priced from $6 to $22. (Apparently, they are selling 80 bottles a day through the kiosk.)

Just think of the possibilities for the police from this set up. But probably not for homeland security folks, because terrorists may not drink alcohol.

10. Cat burgler. A family has reported that their cat has come home with stolen underwear every night for a while. So far, the feline felon has copped 79 pair of undies.

11. Watchit! Along that line.. I received an ad for "grab and go" underwear. I would be afraid to wear such things. (I guess maybe the above mentioned cat got her thievery idea from this ad.)

12. Button up! Another British study has determined that people with high belly buttons are better at sports because they have a higher center of gravity. (I wonder whose bellies they examined. Did they check out belly-dancers? Pot bellies? Innies or outies? Beer bellies? Pregnant bellies?)

Another dozen

01. Red Hat Club Ancest0r: In 1969, I established the Red Tie Club at the Social Security Administration. At our peak, we had 29 members who vowed that they would wear a red tie on Fridays. If not, they had to buy coffee and doughnuts for all of the other members. (Several guys would forget each week, but it wasn't very hard on the pocketbook because you could get a coffee and a sticky bun for 15 cents in those days.)

Remember.. this was 40 years ago and office workers had to wear neckties. This was a bad time for lungs because smoking was allowed everywhere. It always stunk to high heaven and one had to work in a haze of smog. However, we were used to it and didn't worry about it too much.

Once in the 1970's I decided that it was too stinky in my branch, so I shipped one of my smokiest sections into what I thought was a vacant storage room. That way, those guys could puff away to their heart's content without bothering anybody else. Or so I thought.

As soon as my guys were settled and began to light up, they noticed a rustling that seemed to be coming from what we thought were empty cartons piled up in the far corner of the room. It turned out to be the location of a programmer who hated smoking and who had made himself an office out of empty boxes. We had no idea he lived there. But, overwhelmed with the new smokiness, he soon moved out for parts unknown.

(Incidentally, this gentleman turned out to be the world's foremost expert on Esperanto, the international language. I've talked about this in other blogs.)

02. Big Bite! Scientists have found evidence of a giant Sperm Whale in the Australian desert. I have to check this out. The teeth are purported to be 4' long.. in a 50' body. Supposedly, this leviathan was not Mr. Niceguy. I believe that part of the discovery's name will honor Herman Melville (my hero.)

03. Watch out! The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech are working on a project to allow blind people to drive. There already are some assistive devices related to that:

DriveGrip.. vibrating gloves that signal when and where to turn.

AirPix.. Paper with holes through which compressed air is sent to inform a driver as to what is around the vehicle.

04. Directions: One true thing about the village I live in, there is only one road out. Ordinarily this doesn't pose a problem, but the other day a jogger hailed me and asked if he were going in the right direction to get out of the village. I said "no" and explained the layout to him. He said "thanks" and went off in the wrong direction. I accosted him and told him he was going in the wrong direction. He said "OK" and continued in the same wrong direction. I gave up. Elaine says "that is just like a man."

05. Spies? I wonder if any of my neighbors are Russian spies. If they have operatives planted in the US.. we must have some as well. Spygate? I guess it is just another source of income for American citizens. I wonder what secret documents they xeroxed or photographed from their time in the PTA or the local Baptist Church.

06. Abdication: Larry King is retiring after 25 years in the media. Will Jeraldo take his place? Maybe now he can become a Russian spy like his neighbors.

07. Damn Alkie Wino: I am under my cardiologist's orders to have two alcoholic beverages per day. It's supposed to help my heart. So, in a week, if I drink only beer.. there will be 14 bottles in my recycling bin. If wine, maybe 3 or 4 bottles of wine. Anyway, last week the recycling pickup didn't show up for a few days.. so the booze evidence increased until it looked like all we drink is alcoholic beverages. So what.. who cares what the neighbors think. Besides Lutherans like to drink beer.

Once, on vacation in Mattapoisett, Massachusetts, I was out blogging on recycling pickup day and I noticed that every bin was filled with empty wine bottles of a certain fairly expensive red wine type. At first I thought that the liquor store must have had a fantastic sale. Then I thought that this many people can't all drink the same kind of wine. Then I realized that this was probably all from the same wino. His bin was full, so he decided to fill up his neighbors' bins. .. ok.. like I said before.. who cares?

08. Great idea: Someone is marketing Bridal Diapers. Who needs them? I guess it depends on how strong a Bride's bladder is.

09. Style: An upbeat 69 year old Wonder Woman will now dress in stretch pants. About time.

10. Baltimorese: John Goodspeed of the Baltimore Sun published a dictionary of the dialect spoken in Baltimore, Maryland. Look at a few of the entries:

Clays: clothes
Everythink: everything
Flares: flowers
Koor: car
Nayo: no
Urshter: oyster
Zinc: sink

11. Job openings: Britain is advertising for Bikini mud wrestlers.

12. Hairy lip? A German study has found that female fish like male fish best if they have a kind of mustache. Clark Gablefish.

...............................................................................................

Breakthroughs and Insights

It's amazing what one can learn in just one week's time. From pants to crocs, from Rush to Ozzie, and from Futball to cockroaches.



01. Hope for men everywhere: Ladies, have you noticed that your husband has started to carry a basketball around his waist? Some men (present company excluded of course) develop a little (?) paunch when they reach a certain age. This presents a big problem, because if a man used to have a 30 inch waist, but now, because of good living, measures 46 inches around that same waist, pants no longer fit him and he must either buy suspenders, or give up wearing pants altogether.



Now, there is good news for such men.. as shown in the June 2010 issue of Funny Times magazine, famed cartoonist Mark Parisi has let us see "slant-top pants". What a great idea! The back top of the pants are at what used to be the waist, and the belt area slants down to below the belly area, allowing a "melon carrier" to be fashionable and comfortable once more.

02. Short People again: On Wait Wait Don't Tell Me this week, it was reported that France's Sarkozy has now ordered that all of his bodyguards be shorter than his 5'5" stature. When will this end?

They also mentioned that Napoleon was taller than Monsieur Sarkozy at 5'6" or 5'7". That is a surprize to me.. and probably to all the other people who believed that Nappy was around 5' nothing. Hitler was 5'6". Mussilini was 5'6". Stalin was 5'6". Randy Newman might have been right. (But Charles DeGaulle was 6'5" as was our greatest President: Abraham Lincoln.)

03. The Privileged Class: Prior to Princess Diana's death, she and Fergie were observed poking people in the butt with their umbrellas at the Ascot races. (There is the beginning of a poem there, Brother Joe.)

04. American Pie?: GM recently put out a memo requesting that all employees refrain from calling the Chevrolet "Chevy"... too undignified? There were "Chevy" jars set up.. and whenever anyone said the dreaded word, they had to put a quarter in the jar.

My GM stock is now worth about 3 pennies total. I wonder if it will ever go back up again.

05. Beach buoys? Experts have now concluded that crocodiles surf.

In a related story, reptiles have now been banned from public streets, the beach, the boardwalk, alleys and sidewalks in Ocean City, Maryland.

06. Wedding daze: Rush Limbaugh has hired Elton John to perform at his upcoming wedding. He will be paying him one million dollars.

In a related story, it has been determined that orangutangs in the zoo get a bigger kick out of watching humans than humans get watching them.

07. Spelling: A young lady has won the National Spelling Bee. The word that won her the prize was "stromuhr"... my German analysis says this relates to "stream clock".. now what the hell is that? I guess if you are in the medical profession you would know that a "stromuhr" is "a rheometer designed to measure the amount and speed of blood flow through an artery."

OK, now what is a "rheometer"?

Speaking of "spelling", fortune tellers can now legally deceive their customers in Annapolis, Maryland.

08. Doctor, Doctor: The London Sunday Times has announced that Ozzie Osbourne will now be health advisor for their paper.

When Willie Nelson heard about it, he cut off his pigtails.

09. Where is Pele when we need him? I hear that the North Korean fussball team doesn't want to use the new type ball because it is "cursed".

Speaking of "cursed", I also hear that futball referees have been attending the "World Cup Cursing Class for Referees" so that they will know when to be offended and when to throw the "offenders" out of the game. (Or "East Enders?"

10. Heart Healthy: Somewhere I read that there is a new wine from the Netherlands called "Choco Vine". You can guess what that tastes like. I think that you could make your own recipe.. just take that half-eaten Valentines Day heart, melt it in a pan, and mix it with some cheap Burgundy wine, stick it in a wine glass, and drink it to get all the goodness of red wine combined with chocolate.

11. New Terrorist Tactic: It has been reported that terrorists are about to change their tactics.. since they are probably running out of idiots who want to self-destruct. The new tactic will be to leave empty boxes here and there... to annoy us.

12. Tim Conway story: Famous funny man, Tim Conway, told this story on NPR the other day. At a party, when he went into the rest room, he decided to wrap himself in toilet paper. After amusing the guests with "mummy" schtick, someone took a polaroid picture of him and pasted it onto his drivers license.

Tim stayed in his toilet paper suit to drive home.. he tried to drive a little fast so that he would be stopped. Sure enough, a State Trooper stopped him and asked for his license. Tim showed him the license with the picture pasted on. The trooper looked at the picture and then at Tim and said: "Ok, you can go, but try to drive a little slower."

This story is a lot like my Social Security monkeys story.. elsewhere within my blogs.

.... See ya!

Hot items for April 24, 2010

From Soup to Nuts.. or rather from Tweets to Microbes. Ain't life great!

01. Tweets to the Library?

Could this be true? Soon, ALL tweets will be preserved at the Library of Congress. What's next? Blogs? Text messages? Sext messages? Future generations will now have actual evidence of our madness. Can you envision researchers in 2510 reading: "I just got up and I am going to eat cereal for breakfast." or "My bowels are working well today."

02. Well, tan my hide!

It has now been determined that the use of tanning beds is addictive. So, even though the tax on using tanning beds is being increased, the tanning salons don't have to worry, the addicts will continue their usage.

03. Celebrity death.

Benjamin Hooks, NAACP leader for many years passed away this week at age 95. He became interested in Civil Rights when he served as a guard of Italian prisoners in WW2. These prisoners were able to eat with the white soldiers, while he had to eat in the segregated mess hall for soldiers of color. Unbelievable.

04. Winos.

While I was in the Air Force, a friend and I went on a pass to Liege, Belgium. Before we left, one of our friends warned us about the "winos". These are bar girls who talk American soldiers into buying high-priced bottles of watered-down wine, while making the soldiers think that they will be able to have some fun with them later.

My friend and I took a city tour and at the end we went into a bar for a drink. Immediately, a beautiful young lady sat down beside us. My friend, a country boy, was infatuated with her.. me, a city boy, suspected that she was one of the winos. The girl coaxed my friend into buying a bottle of overpriced wine, and with a practised line, hinted at the delights to come. As we finished the watery wine, she gave my friend an address. She said that she would be leaving now to go home and prepare for his visit and that he should wait ten minutes and then come to see her. He could hardly wait.

Of course, you know what happened. When he went out to get the cab to go to the address, the cab driver said that there was no such address. I wonder if she had latched on to me instead of him.. would I have been gullible? We'll never know.

So, a chord of memory played for me when I heard that beautiful young ladies in certain bars were asking gullible young nerds to key their telephone numbers into their Blackberry Pearls. This turned out to be only a trick to impress these guys with the features of the Pearl. I wonder if the marketing guys learned this trick from Liege's winos?

05. I'll trade you 25 years of National Geographics for a tonsilectomy.

The potential Republican rival for Harry Reid's job has offered a solution for the high cost of medical care. Bartering!

06. Two drunks in Britain.

A troublemaking female drunk has been banned from all bars in England.

A drunk driver in England was stopped while driving a pink Barbie car.

07. Computers on wheels?

Best Buy will soon be selling electric cars as well as computers. I recently attended an educational session about services for the blind. (I have macular degeneration in my right eye) and the leader mentioned that one big problem for blind people is the noiseless electric car. I've heard from electric car drivers that this is also a problem for them sometimes. Perhaps soon "they" will come up with a noisemaker add-on. (I'll bring this up with John Stahlin and the VME.. Volunteers for Medical Engineering folks.)

08. Tea, anyone?

The Week magazine quotes Andrew Sullivan of TheAtlantic.com as follows:

"When Tea Party leaders propose cuts in Medicare, means-testing Social Security, a raising of the retirement age, and a cut in defense spending, I'll take them seriously."

I remember working on a case when I first was a Claims Authorizer at the Social Security Administration. The claimant was a famous literary American who had been knocking the whole "socialistic" Social Security program, stating that he would advise everyone not to take that "Government Handout." Well, he was now filing for Social Security disability benefits for himself and begging for the help.

09. Sit up straight!

The latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalog shows a Pet High Chair. "Satisfying a mutual desire for companionship, this high chair permits your dog or cat to accompany you at the dinner table."

10. "I cannot tell a lie."

Shame on George Washington for borrowing two books from the New York Library and never returning them. The overdue fine is now over $300,000!

I can't talk, while at Boston University (ages ago) I could not find a certain German book anywhere but at the New Bedford, Massachusetts Public Library. I borrowed it almost 50 years ago! I still have it. I mentioned it to my sister-in-law, Janine, who was working there and she advised me to wait for the fine forgiveness day. So far, I haven't been able to be in New Bedford at the right time. The fine is probably astronomical by now. Not returning this book is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. (believe that?)

11. Lactococcus lactis.

This has been named as the "official State microbe" for the State of Wisconsin.

12. Where did all the immigrants go?

By now, you have probably heard about the "Phoenix Immigration Bill." Will this lead to "profiling".. I would imagine so.

Also, Senator David Vitter has introduced legislation that would instruct the Census Bureau not to take into account illegal immigrants and other non-citizens in the 2010 Census.

.................................................................

Great News for April 10th or 11th, 2010

Today's issue of the Carroll County, Maryland, Times shows today's date on A-5 as Saturday, April 11, 2010.. and on page A-6 as Saturday, April 10, 2010. This allows the reader to feel as though he or she is going back in time as they turn the page. What a pleasant gimmick for such a beautiful sunny, windy, 50-ish Spring day!




A wonderful thing happened today (or yesterday, as the case may be).. I lifted up a pile of old newspapers and found a copy of the non-defunct Weekly World News from September 18, 2006. (I loved that sheet!) Just look at the news items that I missed!




01. Giant Crocs Attack! Monster reptiles attacked monster trucks at a racetrack.





02. Old Folks live in Daughter's Pool. These poor folks needed assistive living, but couldn't afford it, so their good-hearted daughter allowed them to spend their twilight years floating in her backyard pool. Because of the chlorine in the water, they didn"t even have to worry about toilet breaks.





03. Robin Goodfellow, British Pub owner has started to serve his patrons fairy wings. This has become a great draw for Barrie's Tavern.





04. An item about "Your Bottom Dollar" that perhaps I shouldn't mention.



Excuse me for a moment.. my favorite radio station is playing the Met broadcast of Die Zauberfloete, and I want to hear the Queen of the Night's famous aria. Herr Mozart may have been accused of using "too many notes" on this work, but I don't think that there is one wasted note in the whole opera. Why did Wolfie have to die so young? Who could imagine what other masterpieces still lurked within that massive brain in that little bitty body?



I'm back again.. let me jump to some Wait Wait items:



05. (Notice how I number everything.. its my excessive compulsion, sorry.) A gentleman from Georgia tried to eat a "double wicked" fast food sandwich and messed his jaws up so much that he had to have surgery. (Well, it had to happen sometime.)



06. Did you know that the first Bobby hired by the City of London was fired four hours later because of drunkenness? Do policemen have alcohol level tests in the US?



07. Another Georgian, a Congressman I believe, recently said that Guam will probably tip over if we send any more military people there.



08. Senator John McCain told reporters that he is not a maverick, in spite of the title of his book and his electioneering slogan. I guess he might be trying to become a true Conservative to get the future votes of the Tea Party guys.



09. Fewer NERDS are being produced in the US. Our technical future looks bleak. (Is there a song called: The Revenge of the Nerds?)



10. The guy who invented Wine in a Box has died. Wine snobs deride boxed wine. However, I see not much difference between boxed and bottled wine. In fact, based on wine that I have made over the years, I want to make this statement. Believe it or not, with a little care, and with a little equipment, and a little container of grapes, and a little sugar.. you can make wine in your kitchen that tastes just as good if not better than these bottles of French wine that are selling for astronomical prices. In fact, if you have a Mickey Mouse balloon to place over the top of a bottle, you can do as good a job as any of the California wine makers. This is of course my opinion.


This made me think of wine that I have been aging in the garage. I decided to try an old bottle. I uncorked and decanted a bottle of peach wine that I laid down in 1975. The cork had almost disintegrated but not quite. Opened and poured, there was not much bouquet.. in fact, Elaine took a sip and thought that it ranked (maybe a good word) among the worst wines she had ever tasted. But, for me, after a little unpleasant ropiness, I found it tasty.. perhaps more like a very sweet fortified wine. So, score one for me.

I still have some beet wine and peapodwine aging. Recently, I gave away my beer and wine making equipment to my son in law, John, an excellent brewer. So now, I will concentrate on kitchen wine, using my Mickey Mouse balloon. Don't knock it til you've tried it.

11. And of course you have heard of the crook who was chased by the cops until he climbed over a wall and found himself in a prison yard. What I didn't know until now was it was a woman's prison!



12. What about that guy who was discovered giving mouth to mouth rescusitation to a possum that may have been playing possum.



.........................................

News and Insights for a Sunday in December 2009

Some things to think about from this week's news, The Week magazine, and experiences in this land of the free and the brave:

01. There now are more independent voters than democrats and republicans. (As an Independent, I have received surveys from both parties.)

02. It costs $55. to take a cab from downtown Baltimore to Owings Mills, Maryland. Only $1.50 on the subway. (Ask my son-in-law John for a story.)

03. It finally happened, a ten year old Idaho boy got his tongue stuck to a metal fence pole.

04. A guy interupted his wedding ceremony to send a Tweet and a Facebook update about what he was doing.

05. A lawyer is suing to close down a soup kitchen because it is a nuisance and encourages people to stay bums.

06. Viagra is being considered as a performance enhancing medium.. in sports.

07. A gay Baltimore Episcopal priest has become a bishop in Los Angeles. She has been in a relationship since 1988, a lot longer than many male-female relationships.

08. Chinese drivers have become the largest group of car buyers in the world.

09. Gold is selling at over $1,200 per ounce. (How much do you think you can get for your old class ring?)

10. Most stout beers have an alcohol content of 4%, which is a little less than some light beers. (I find that very hard to believe.)

11. Baltimore's Bel-Loc Diner on Joppa Road has been named as one of the "South's" best diners. (Is it in the "South"? Well, we are below the Mason-Dixon Line.)

12. Red wine can help prevent tooth decay, besides being good for your heart. (So, now stop bugging me.)

13. The Pakistani Taliban has destroyed over 400 girl's and coed schools.

14. In Uganda, if you don't report homosexual activity that you observe or suspect, you can be sentenced to three years in jail. (What would Edie Amin do?)

15. Although he tried for a whole month, a Swedish man was unable to produce milk from his breasts.

16. Republican conservatives are demanding that future candidates agree to a ten-point conservative agenda. (Moderates need not apply.)

.................................

More Wait Wait Info from Nov 7, 2009

One learns so much from NPR's great show: Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me! For instance, today I was amazed to learn this information:

01. The 7-11 stores will be selling their own brand of wine shortly. (As this was mentioned, the music in the background had what sounded like these lyrics: "I've got cheap wine, and free time...")

02. The hard hat was invented by Franz Kafka. (I find this utterly fantastic, but one should not be too surprised by anything that Mr. Kafka created.)

03. Someone somewhere has combined an MP3 player with a tazer.

04. Coco Krispies boxes boasted that the cereal could boost children's immunity. (But probably not to diabetes, someone said.) According to a television report last night, the company may have agreed to take the boast off the box.

05. According to a study, 22% of male texters are ending their messages with "hugs and kisses" symbols. (Cute!)

06. It was reported that a judge somewhere visited x-rated adult book stores hundreds of times recently. The judge said that he went to the store because they had such delicious chicken soup in their vending machine.

07. A Canadian study found that pregnant women who have a lot of morning sickness end up with babies with high IQ's. (Ok, fellow Mensa members, what do you think of that?)

08. Another study found that bad drivers are not to blame for their problems.. they inherited the traits from genes passed on from their parents.

09. In Germany, some inventive advertising person placed banners on flies legs and they displayed his messages as they flew about the audience.

10. South Korean cab drivers are now allowed to watch TV while they drive.

11. A woman called 911 to report that she was driving drunk. (or maybe to report all those cars that were driving on the wrong side of the freeway.)
...........................................................................................................................