Christmas is a-comin..

It's time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope that their wishes come true during the holiday season.

01. Santa Claus: As you can see by my picture, I have played "Santa" again this year. I had been offered a "Santa" job.. for actual pay.. but I decided not to do so.. my main reason was not wanting little kids to throw up on me. So, I just go "HO HO HO" for free, and for adults who have no desire to sit on my lap..

I'm hoping that this year will be the last one in which I actually look like a jolly, fat old Santa. I am taking Physical Therapy sessions to regain use of some of the flexibility and muscle tone I have lost since I quit lifting weights about ten years ago. One of my problems is what is called "tissue approximation." (This can be translated to "beer belly.") One of my goals this year is to lose 20 pounds around my middle.

02. Alzheimers: This Week magazine reports that some study results show that people with beer bellies actually have shrunken brains.. making them more susceptible to developing Alzheimers disease. That's another incentive for losing weight.

03. XMAS Toy: Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me mentioned that a popular toy this year is somehow related to "roadkill". I need to look that up in the XMAS toy catalogs. If you travel throughout Carroll County Maryland, you see lots and lots of roadkill.. so why pay for it when you can get it free.

Yesterday, while turning through a highway cloverleaf, I came upon 238 enormous turkey buzzards having lunch on roadkill. As I mentioned a couple of years ago, turkey buzzards completely devoured a large deer that had wandered into my backyard to die. In a very short time, only bones were left of the 500 pound creature, and so I didn't have to drag the dead body to wherever you drag dead deer that have died on your property.

04. Fashion? The New York Times suggests that men should start using purses that reflect their manhood. Not dainty pink things; but rather, bags made out of camouflage cloth, or ammunition cases, or ... out of whatever would indicate manhood. Sounds good to me.. for years I have carried a wallet in one back pocket, a comb, handkerchief, pen, paper sheet, business card case in another back pocket.. plus a bunch of keys and cell phone attached to my belt. I think it might be better to carry all such things in a carrying case, such as women have.

However, the fear of being considered a "sissy" by other men has kept most of us guys from carrying purse-like containers over our shoulders. But.. suppose I owned a "purse" that somehow reflected just the things I am interested in as a man.. like whales.. or crossword puzzles.. or politics.. maybe that would work. I'll have to look into this. Of course, this could be dangerous since most men are just interested in naked women.

I carry a delicate red basket to our local Bistro to get carry-out supper on most nights. This gets me lots of gentle ribbing.. but so what, it works.. I can carry lots of food without dropping it on the ground. Now.. if the basket had pink ribbons on it.. that would be a different story.

05. Don't ask...: Some people might equate what I implied about "sissy" as meaning "gay".. That is not the case. Many of the gay people that I know are not "sissies" in any sense of the word. The House has just acted to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell and the Senate is considering the issue right now. I served with several gay persons when I was in the Air Force and there was never any problem in any way. And that was the situation when I worked in the physical fitness department of the New Bedford, Mass. YMCA. These folks were not "sissies".. or delicate, tiptoeing folks.

06. Manufacturing: I heard that the Gap stores are selling a carrying bag with the words: "Made in the USA" printed on it. Close inspection reveals that it really was made in China.. just like everything else in the USA.

Before WWII, when Japanese products flooded our markets, they renamed a city Usa, so that they could print "Made in USA" on goods shipped to America.

07. Pickup line: I think it might have been Wait Wait that reported on the best pickup line: "You have beautiful lips." But do you think that lips are the most attractive feature on women for men, or are men just lying again.

08. Eyebrows: It might have been Wait Wait again that mentioned that the current month should be known as DECEMBROW.. the month when women avoid plucking their eyebrows, so to achieve the UNIBROW look.

Lots of men I know have just one eyebrow...straight over both eyes. Most men don't pluck their eyebrows.. and some men are just naturally extra hairy, even on their forehead. And then there are hairy men who have "dingleberries".. but that is a subect for a future blog (and maybe #9 that follows.)

09. Word: Bill Bryson in Made in America records a Pennsylvania Dutch word: aarschgnoddle: which translates to "the globules of dung found in the vicinity of the anus"... Bill wonders why the Pennsylvania Dutch need such a word.. so do I.

10. More of the same: Bryson also says that the word POPPYCOCK comes from the Dutch word PAPPEKAK (soft dung).

How did I get into this topic anyway? What do you think of that, Prince Poppycock?

11. New SCAM: I received an email from "Robert S. Mueller III, Federal Bureau of Investigation, J. Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001, USA" saying "The Skye Bank Nigeria Plc informed us the FBI, that they are through with the first (1st) quarter transfer to beneficiaries, and .... (to) where your payment file belongs to now."

Mr Mueller advises me to get in touch with the Skye Bank Nigeria as soon as possible so I don't lose out on all the money ($2m) that I may be eligible for.. they give me an email address to contact.. IMMEDIATELY. They end it with "In God We Trust."

A clever twist on an old scam.

12. Risks: The Carroll Hospital Center (Maryland) sent me the following quote from Patrick Johnston. I like it.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To explore feelings is to risk exposing our true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try at all is to risk failure.

But risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The man, the woman, who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

.....
This reminds me of something a famous writer once said to would-be authors:

Don't sit down to write, until you have stood up to live.

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Brain Fitness

Massachusetts General Hospital is in the forefront of research in Mental Fitness. In their latest newsletter: Mind, Mood and Memory they discuss ways to keep your mind sharp as you grow older.

Until recently, scientists thought that the adult mind was unchangeable... now, it is known that the brain can make new cells through a process called neurogenesis.. growing additional branches and connections.. in a process called synaptic placisticity. It's those darned synapses again! The more synapses you grow, the more your brain stays young.

In addition:

Aerobic exercise can reverse symptoms of age-related brain decline. (Get off your dead butt and start moving!)

Regular intellectual stimulation may even reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer's disease.
(I would strongly recommend cryptic crossword puzzles.)

Social activity promotes the formation and survival of brain cells. (Make some new friends!)

Constant stress can cause atrophy of brain connections.. so, reducing stress is very important.
(Meditation might be one way.. omm ni paa ti suuum.) (Massage is also good.)

Diet is important. Excessive caffeine and alcohol should be avoided. (How much is too much? How much is too little? What about chocolate?)

Folic acid is an important supplement. (Take a trip to a health food store and look around. Lots of good stuff there.)

Sleep is important... They suggest 6 to 8 hours a night. This gives time for your "sleepy-time" brain to sort and categorize what you have experienced during the day and get ready for tomorrow.

(Ben Franklin may have said: 6 hours of sleep a night for a man; 7 hours of sleep a night for a woman; 8 hours of sleep a night for an idiot.)

He also said: Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

He also said: The early bird catches the worm.... but look what happened to the worm when it got up so early!

Watch out for the effects of diabetes. And smoking. And excessive drinking. (You know what you are supposed to do and not do.. and shame on you for being bad.)

Speaking of brains, I received a weird brain honor last week... I received a certificate honoring me for being a member of Mensa for 40 years!.. This required little effort on my part.. just opening the yearly membership letter, writing a check, sealing the envelope and mailing it off so that I could be a member for yet another year.

I must admit that my Mensa membership has opened lots of intellectual vistas for me. I hope that I can make it to 50 years and another certificate.

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Shooting Sprees

At least 47 people have been killed in mass shootings in the US in the past month. Why? What is this obsession for violence in our country? Does this happen in other countries? My hunting friends tell me that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." I'm sure that is right, but perhaps we should somehow keep guns out of the hands of killers and just in the hands of true hunters.

When I was 16, some of my friends invited me to go "coon hunting" with them. I didn't have a gun of any kind, so I declined. However, I did think that I might buy one so that I could hunt with my friends. Unfortunately, during that same hunt, one of my friends accidently shot and killed another of my 16 year old friends, a young man with great potential. That changed my mind, and I didn't want to have anything to do with guns.

When I was in the service, I visited the firing range one time. Even though I couldn't even see the targets, I was awarded the "sharpshooter" disignation. I think they must have mixed my scores up with someone elses. But what did it matter? After all, I was in the Air Force. Why would I need to use a gun. Boy, was I wrong.

For a year and a half, I was stationed near Nuernberg Germany, in a small place called Mausdorf (Mouse Village). I was more or less in charge of a Cryptography van, in which I had to have access to a "burp gun." This was a kind of machine gun that fired large '45 bullets. I was instructed to "shoot to kill" any of the "commies" that tried to break into the van. Luckily for me (and I guess for them also) the "commies" were over two hundred miles away, in the East Zone.

However, I did have a strange experience one day while I was in the van. (I usually worked alone in the van.) It was located next to the site entrance where an Air Policeman was always stationed. On this day, the cop was a guy who I had beaten in Black Jack the day before, when I discovered how he was cheating, and used it against him during the play. I took all his money and in desperation, he put up his elegant, very expensive sunglasses, and when I won them as well, he got very angry. (The sunglass story is much more detailed and worth a blog all by itself.)

My Airpoliceman friend was still stewing the next day when he was on duty. He knew I was alone in the van and decided to show his disdain for my card-playing prowess by firing his burp gun at the van. At first I thought that those commies had attacked, but when I peeped out an eyehole, I saw him firing dead-on at the sides of the van. The '45 size slugs were powerful, but no match for the armor on the van. In fact, you could hardly see any dents later. But, as the van got hit, it rocked back and forth violently. Finally, either he got tired of it, or ran out of ammunition, or somebody showed up to watch him. He quit firing, and when I got up enough courage to walk out, he came over, shook my hand and we became friends (kind of). He was the first person that I had ever met who came from Baltimore, and I wondered if all Baltimoreans were like him. I found out later that this was not the case.... thank God.

There were a few other times when I had encounters with guns and bullets. They took place when I was stationed on top of a mountain in the Schnee Eifel area of Germany. I was there for 18 months and had made a friendship with a very large Indian from Oklahoma. He was, of course, called Chief, and I saw him busted (very unfairly) from Master Sargeant to Airman Basic by a new 2nd Lieutenant. (Subject of another blog.) Oh.. Chief had been a Code-Talker in WWII.

Depressed by being busted, Chief decided to become a drunk.. every night. But, about once every month, Chief drank much more than usual and went on a "warpath".

We were billeted in a long quanset hut type of barracks and we slept in double-decker metal bunks. On these monthly adventures, Chief would burst into the quarters yelling and whooping and firing a '45, putting holes in walls and ceilings. We would quickly climb under the bottom bunks and hide until Chief got it all out of his system, usually in 5 or 10 minutes. And nobody ever got wounded. The next day, Chief would go around making apologies and swearing never to do it again.

One night, a new 2nd lieutenant (I did not like them, can't you tell), was in charge of the barracks. He didn't know about Chief's peccadilloes and came running into the quarters just after Chief had run out of ammunition. When he came in, he yelled "attention!" and we all came out of hiding and stood next to our bunks, including Chief. The Lt. asked who was firing a gun.. nobody replied, so he started an inspection.. he went from bunk to bunk, lifting up the bed clothes as he walked along, looking for the gun. When he came to Chief's bed, he lifted up the pillow and there was Chief's gun, still hot from firing. He got red in the face, then he looked up at the 6 foot 5 inch 300 pound wild-looking Indian standing before him, reached down, covered up the gun, and continued on with his inspection.

Last year, President Bush awarded a medal to one of the last WWII Code Talkers. I think it was given to Chief.

Some of my friends in Carroll County, and some of my relatives in Massachusetts are hunters. I know that the deer population is out of control and needs to be culled, but I also hope that the meat is put to good use and not just thrown away.

One of my relatives goes bear hunting in Maine. He baits an area under a big tree in which he has built a "blind" from which to shoot bears. The bears get used to coming to the bottom of the tree to get a treat and when my relative senses the time is right, he climbs the tree and shoots the bears as they come to eat. I told him that I read that bears are great tree climbers.. so isn't it dangerous? He said: YES.. so you have to get a perfect shot right away... or the bear will get you. ... Recently, I heard that my relative is suffering the early effects of Alzheimers. And, he is still hunting bears!!

More on this later.