Hot and extremely muggy.. perspiration is pouring down my face and making it hard to see. But.. that's the way it goes.
"As the monkey climbs, it shows more of its bad side." Jim Hightower talking about Amazon.com.
1. AARP Luncheon Meeting
a. The Cake Guy: Jim Hamilton showed up today after 3 or 4 years as a non-member. He is the Michelangelo of cake makers. When he was an active member, he made a cake shaped like an automobile with a likeness of me in the driver's seat and Elaine in the other front seat. It was a work of art. The man is a cake genius.
Jim told me that he has baked 245 cakes for his neighbors at the senior living place where he and his wife live.
Jim left AARP because too many "liberals" were becoming members. I wonder what he thought about the current "makeup"... if he re-joins we may find out.
b. Senior Expo: Several years ago, when I was on the Commission on Aging, the Bureau of Aging and Disabilities initiated a very successful Senior Expo. Baltimore County and Howard County copied our idea and began successful expos as well. We had always held our expo around October 5th each year, but now, the other guys are doing their's around the same time and it has diluted the effect. So, a decision was made not to have an expo this year.. and to put one on next Spring.. May or June 2015. When I announced this, there was a lot of disappointed sighs.
c. The Flying Scotsman: Our entertainer today has a massive Scotch brogue. Somehow, it disappears when he sings. I suspect that he might be fooling us... because, today his Roger Miller singer sounded a lot like Roger Miller and not the Scotsman. Also, halfway through one set, his sound system gave out and left him weakly singing the lyrics.. a lot like the Wizard of OZ when his curtain flew open. I think it embarrassed the Scotsman a bit. He is a nice guy and we don't care if he lip syncs. He still entertains.
About ten years ago, I served as emcee for the Senior get-togethers we had (pre-Expo) in Union Bridge. At one of the sessions, I told two jokes that were well received. A while later, our entertainment showed up.. yes, it was the Flying Scotsman in an earlier incarnation. After being introduced and before he began his musical performance, he told two jokes. Yup... it was the same two jokes that I had told just 30 minutes earlier. But.. everybody laughed all over again.
d. Crime: Today, instead of a joke, I told a true story about an attempted bank robbery.
Our extremely intelligent bank robber wrote the following message on a Bank of America withdrawal slip: "Give me all your money!" Then he got into a long line to the teller's window. But, after a while he got tired of waiting and left to go instead to a Wells Fargo bank on the next block. The line was a lot shorter.
When he got to the teller's window, he showed her the note. She said to him: "I can't do what you say because you've used a Bank of America withdrawal slip, not Wells Fargo."
Irritated, our bright light, left the Wells Fargo Bank and got back into the line at the Bank of America, where he was arrested after the Wells Fargo teller had called the police.
2. Zimmer feels good
Ex-Commissioner, Michael Zimmer wrote a "feel good" column today in the Carroll County Times. This is a little bit different for him. He mentioned three businesses that are relocating to Carroll County. That is good news.. but he also indicated that Republican Larry Hogan might have a good chance at winning Maryland's Governor's race over Democratic Lt. Governor Anthony Brown in this highly democratic state. In my opinion, Larry Hogan will get walloped.
3. Get on the bandwagon, homeschoolers.
"Hey, you homeschoolers and parochial school parents, grab yourself some of that $400,000 slush fund that the Carroll County Commissioners voted twice to provide.. even if you don't need it, get it before the rules change." Carroll County public schools are reportedly some of the best in the state, if not the nation. But if you want to keep your kids at home and away from the "riff-raff" or at a church school where they would be exposed to "other" viewpoints, you may as well get some of that money before the applications for it become "needs" related.
4. Another candle has been put out
Just when we need more humor in our lives, another comedian has been taken from us. First Robin Williams and now Joan Rivers. May they rest in comedic peace.
Joan said: "Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. 'My God, the floor's immaculate. Lie down, you hot bitch.'"
5. Scorecard
Carroll County Times: Palestinian authorities report that Israeli bombs destroyed 17,000 homes. They are seeking foreign aid to provide almost 8 Billion dollars in re-construction money. How many homes were destroyed in Israel? One. Two. Three maybe. When will the Palestinians learn that they would be a lot better off if they dumped Hamas?
6. "Wrecked 'im?" "Yeah, damn near kilt 'im."
Carroll County Times: A 28 year old Owings Mills man, under arrest in Westminster was fidgeting so much, a suspicious policeman had him x-rayed. This revealed that he had "more than 50 bags of 'suspected' cocaine and heroin in his rectum." Unbelievable!
7. Throw away the key!
WAMU..FM: A Georgia father was busy exchanging nude pictures with women while his 22 month old child was strapped inside a hot car and was dying.
8. Nice try.
WAMU..FM: In Kansas, a Democrat who was not doing so well, tried to leave a race so that an Independent candidate would have a better chance to win against a Republican, because there would not be dilution of votes for the Democrat. However, the Republican State's Attorney would not allow it.
You will be hearing a lot about this in the next few days and weeks.
9. Watch out!
Carroll County Times: Former Commissioner Dean Minnich today warns Carroll Countians of the "plot" to take control of the County Master Plan by two of our current infamous Commissioners who feel that their ultra-Conservative views should govern how the County works.
10. It ain't necessarily so.
Reverend Lou Piel is conducting a session about Bible stories on September 16th at Carroll Lutheran Village. Actually, the advertisement mentions.. "Adam and Eve and dinosaurs." I think I read that right. Anyway, I have something else that day, and I told Lou that I could not make it, but hope that someone tapes what sounds like a very interesting session. My view is expressed in George Gershwin's Porgy and Bess.. by lyricists DuBose Heyward and Ira Gershwin, as follows:
Little David was small but oh my,
Little David was small but oh my,
He slew old Goliath,
Who lay down and dyeth,
Little David was small but oh my.
Ole Moses was found in a stream,
Ole Moses was found in a stream,
He floated on water,
Till old Pharaoh's daughter,
She found him, she said, in that stream.
Ole Jonah he lived in a whale,
Ole Jonah he lived in a whale,
He made his home in,
That fish's abdomen,
Ole Jonah he lived in a whale.
Ole Methuselah, lived 900 years,
Yeah, Methuselah lived 900 years.
But what use is livin'
When no woman will give in,
To no man what's 900 years?
The things that you're li'ble,
To read in the Bible,
It ain't necessarily so!
11. Song of the year?
Great Courses: In the late 1800's a hit song was about our great big city:
"When Buffalo Bill Came to Baltimore".. yes, it was a big hit back then.
12. Touche?
Great Courses: Bert Williams was a famous Black entertainer in the "gay nineties" .. around the end of the 1800's. He was probably the best paid entertainer at that time. The story is told that he and W.C. Fields went out to eat at a delicatessen between acts, and Fields ordered a ham on rye. The clerk, an officious bigoted man, said to Fields, "That will be $5." Fields paid him.
Next, the clerk sneeringly said to "the black man," "Whadda you want, son?" Williams looked calmly at the man and never missing a beat, took out five crisp one hundred dollar bills, saying: "I'll take one hundred of what he is having."
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