Its 90 plus degrees, muggy and sunny... time for CHRISTMAS IN JULY!
At Christmas time in December, I usually publish my picks for presents to give to friends and family. Last Christmas, I was medically unable to do so... so, to make up for that, and to celebrate Christmas in July!, I offer the following picks from a special catalog with the title:
Things You Never Knew Existed (and other items you can't possibly live without )... if interested, you can visit them at www.thingsyouneverknew.com
Gift 01: For your little kid or your big kid
Monster water cannon on a tripod.. this gem shoots a stream of water 100 feet, and can be yours for only $49.98.
Gift 02: For the young man in your life
Cosmetic teeth: plastic teeth that snap over your own ugly, deformed, cavity-ridden choppers. They are guaranteed to produce a beautiful smile and attract pretty girls. (Are you listening, Turtleman?)
Only $34.98.
Gift 03: For the other young man in your life
ATV-shaped hair shaver. It "wheels" over your hairy dome, and you'll soon be looking like that sexy Howie Mandell. ($19.98)
Gift 04: For the special other young man in your life
Tattoo Concealer: Is your young man getting ready for a job interview? He can cover up his swastikas and Chinese characters by wiping on some of this special salve and no one will ever be the wiser. (It'll come off later with a little soap and water.) Just $19.98.
Gift 05: For that other young man who wants to be your friend
Instant Dragon Tattoo Sleeve: If he is disgusted with the high price of tattoos, he can slip on this colorful and realistic nylon mesh sleeve that looks exactly like a high-priced dragon tattoo. In fact, it comes as a pair, one for each arm.. or leg. (A bargain at $7.98 for the set.)
Gift 06: For a homeowner
Solar powered brown wolf light. Guaranteed to scare off any and all prowlers. Never needs batteries. So realistic, you will be expecting it to howl at the moon. ($16.98)
Gift 07: For "real" men
Hairy feet slippers: everybody will mistake you for Bigfoot! (Only $15.98)
Gift 08: For Dirty Young Men
The Perverted Garden Gnome: adults only! Scares away evil bugs and helps gardens grow.
Gift 09: For Young Men who want to learn how to please Women
Informational T-Shirt: The shirt says: How to Please a Woman
1. Love her
2. Die for her
3. Take her to Dinner
4. Miss the game for her
5. Buy her jewelry
6. Be interested in what she says
It also tells how to please a man"
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
All this for $14.98.
Gift 10: Gift for the more mature man
Insta-slim shirt that hides your beer belly. Great Spandex feature takes up to 5 inches off your middle, or so they say. Also, it is very cool (both ways). Only $29.98)
Gift 11: Another gift for the more mature man
The Ankle Genie Compression Stocking: Just use the built-in zipper to get those damned tight stockings around those fat legs! ($12.98)
Gift 12: Gift for the Much older Man
T-Shirt message #1: Am I getting older, or is the supermarket playing great music?
T-Shirt message #2: I never step on the scale because the scale doesn't measure SEXY.
(Your pick for only $14.98)
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I hope that this has helped you in your gift shopping.
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