February Musings

Before I get into my usual trivial matters, I want to talk about a giant in the world of Puzzledom:

Frank W. Lewis ..puzzler, cryptographer, musician, historian, etc., "a true Renaissance man" as the Nation magazine says. Frank died November 18, 2010, at the age of 98.. after providing that magazine with his special puzzles for 62 years!

http://seclists.org/isn/2010/Dec/14

Almost every morning of my life since the 1970's when I found his puzzles in the Nation, I have spent at least some of my waking up time on one or another of his puzzles.

Frank discovered British cryptic crosswords in England during World War II, and began to construct his own version, mainly with American idioms and literary references enclosed in various puzzle wordplay, like the pun, the rebus, the anagram, charades, etc.

Crossword dictionaries do not help solve his puzzles.. one must rely on one's knowledge of culture, literature, grammar, and sometimes other languages, such as Latin, French and German. (However, an advanced college degree is not needed to do these puzzles. A knowledge of the types of wordplay does help.)

Once you get over the shock of encountering what look like the uncomprehensible melding of seemingly unrelated words, and relax, ... you find the puzzles fun and mind bending.

The Nation is conducting a search for a replacement for Frank. Meanwhile, they are republishing some of his puzzles from the 1970's.

Until a few years ago, I found British cryptic crossword puzzles unsolvable. That still remains so usually for those published by the Times of London. However, I am able to do the ones published by the Manchester Guardian. (I'm sure this is a reflection of the class distinction still in existance in the U.K. and tells you where I fit into this scheme.) Unbelievably to me, the New York Post carries the Times cryptic each issue. I personally find it strange that such a paper would have readers who would enjoy taxing their "minds" .. as I said, that is only my personal opinion.

Now.. to the mundane.

Lots of stuff going on in Egypt.. you can see it and read about it... Also.. the Super Bowl is on tonight.. and you can see it and read about it too.. so.. let me write about other stuff that you may or may not have seen or read about.

01. States' stuff

Maine accepted the Whoopie Pie as it's State dessert. There even is a song about Whoopie Pies.. but I will spare you that.

http://www.wickedwhoopies.com/

Wisconsin accepted the lactococcus lactis as the official State microbe. It's the only State to have one. (The bacterium is used in the making of cheddar and Monterrey Jack cheese.)

02. Pot throw:

Apparently, inventive Mexicans have begun to catapult bags of marijuana over the border and into the U.S. I'm surprised that nobody had thought of that before.

03. Euphemism:

Gina Bryant says that a famous story could be updated for the current epoch to:

Crime and Time Out.

04. Humor:

Dave Barry defines a sense of humor as "a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason."

I'm looking for persons to speak on humor at our next meeting of the Carroll County Chapter of the Maryland Senior Citizen Hall of Fame. One of the Hall of Fame functions is to get senior citizens to get more involved in humorous things. Studies have shown that seniors who laugh a lot, live longer.

05. The devil you say..

A not too reputable report says that a people in China are sprouting horns on their heads. One grandmother 101 years old, named Zhang Ruifang and a man named Huang Yuanfan, 84 years old.. each have 4 inch long horns. So perhaps everybody gets horns later in life, but do not know it because they die off before it occurs. (Hey, maybe that statue of Moses is right after all.)

06. February 1st:

Some of you have noted that my birthday is February 1st.. one day before Groundhog Day.. lots of famous people besides me were born on that day.. DeAnn Johnson (Computer Analyst: SSA), Dan Hinsche (Computer Programmer: SSA), Harry Ballantyne (Chief SSA Actuary), Dr. Shaw's nurse, Clark Gable and Langston Hughes.

Let's see if I can get Langston Hughes' marvelous poem right:

"I could tell you, if I wanted to,
What makes me like I am,
But I don't really want to,
And you don't give a damn!"

http://www.redhotjazz.com/hughes.html

07. Odorific:

Malawi has banned farting.

http://afrik-news.com/article18831.html

08. Search engines:

BING has been caught using GOOGLE.

09. New food guidelines:

"Don't eat so much!"

10. Bugs!

Bed bugs and stink bugs have made big inroads in Carroll County Maryland, according to the papers. It's the big news in our County. Stink bugs are resistant to poison sprays and are about to destroy all of our farmers' crops.

I have solutions: For stink bugs.. hire 10-year old boys to catch the bugs and pay them a penny a piece.. if the kids are any thing like my cohorts, they will get them all caught in no time flat.

I read that "officials" met in D.C. last week for the Second National Bed Bug Summit! One specialist at the local University of Maryland Extension service reported that he has had 8 calls about bed bugs in the last week, compared to his usual 2 per month in the past. Oh Oh! They have finally made their way to our County, bringing along their cousins, Stink Bugs.

Many years ago, I treated my family to a stay at a famous hotel/motel chain. It cost a bundle of money and yet I wrote down a dozen problems that we had.. one of which was, when I woke up in the morning, my legs were covered with bites and welts. Bed bugs? I didn't think about that possibility at the time.. I considered fleas instead. Anyway, I complained about that and the eleven other problems, but nobody seemed to care. That chain is still big today, especially in the Caribean.

11. Male and Female:

I read where a British security official had his wife placed on the "No Entry" list while she was in her Pakistan homeland.

12. More Winter?

I heard on NPR that on February 2nd, Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow and predicted more weeks of Wintery weather. How can that be? I read in a newspaper that Phil died last year and was being stuffed. Who can you believe?

http://sunniebunniezz.com/holiday/groundhogdaypunx.htm

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More on LOVE

In my last blog entry, I mentioned that I had found a tape of some of Leo Buscaglia's lectures. (I had spelled his name wrong as Buscalia.. sorry) Since Leo was concerned so strongly with LOVE, I thought that I might write some more on the subject. Especially now, when all of the stores are beginning to display Valentine's Day gear.


Just as the word "HON" is now connected with the Hamden area of Baltimore, the word "LOVE!" has been long associated with Felice Leo Buscaglia.. in fact, when he wrote his book LOVE!, his publisher found that there was no other book before that time that had that title.


http://www.buscaglia.com/about.htm


Leo said that all people need three things:


Love

Attention

Respect



He asked: "Why is it so hard to say 'I love you?'"



During the time when Leo was giving his famous lectures, my family followed them and my wife and I taught our kids to say those words whenever they meant them. Luckily, they meant them a lot when we spoke to the members of our family.. "Te amo! a la familia!" as they said in the wonderful movie: Moonstruck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtvJexR4iVg


However, even though I thought I was half-Italian at the time, we said our love words in English. Today, I'm so happy to say, my kids still say: "I love you, Dad!" or "I love you, Pop!" to me when we talk... and my grandkids (and their friends and families) say: "I love you, Prepop!" to me whenever we communicate.


Leo also suggested doing these things each and every day:


1. Do or say something nice to someone else.


Small example: The other day I happened to be in a high-rise continuing care facility, where the people did not look as happy as I would have expected, living at friendly Carroll Lutheran Village as I do.


A very old looking man was hobbling down the hall on his cane, bent over, with his head down. I noticed that he had a T-shirt on with the words: "Are You My Type?" on the front. When he passed, I read the words on the back: "Become a Red Cross Blood Donor." This made me smile and I told the guy that I really liked his shirt. He immediately perked up and smiled too.

We talked a bit and little by little it seemed that he was getting taller and in better spirits. All this guy needed to feel better was a little attention and respect. I felt better too, talking to him.

If you think something is nice about a person.. say it to them! Make their day! And your's too!


2. Do something nice for yourself. (you deserve it!)


3. Do something you've been putting off.


4. Challenge your brain. (use it or lose it)


5. Before you go to sleep, think about something you are thankful for. (at least, you didn't find your name in the obituary columns today!)





Leo also said:


If you have a negative thought.. crush it!

If you have a positive thought.. express it!

If you want to read more about the subject of LOVE! check out Leo's books or a nice little book entitled A Thousand Paths to Love by David Baird; all very inexpensive on Amazon.


End of lecture, and thanks for listening. Just remember what Bette Midler once said:



"L'amour, l'amour.. really, that's all there is!"



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Words!

This is the 40th anniversary of my membership in the National Puzzlers League and also in the American Cryptogram Association. Over these four decades, I have increased my knowledge of many types of puzzles and ciphers. However, I still am nowhere being the expert I expected to be when I joined these organizations in 1971. I still have a lot to learn.

Although I am still a word novice, let me discuss a few "word" subjects with you.



01. New Words: AARP has listed words that were new in 2010. Here are a few:



bargainous = costing less than expected



bromance = close platonic male friendship



lovacore = one who primarily eats locally grown food



matchy-matchy = excessively color coordinated



webisode = episode or short film made for viewing online



staycation = vacation spent at home



turducken = roast of a chicken inside a duck, inside a turkey



own = to utterly defeat or humiliate



cheeseball = lacking taste or style



chillax = to calm down and relax



02. Metaphors.. from Raymond Chandler, via Harpers.

As cute as a washtub.

As much sex appeal as a turtle.

As clean as an angel's neck.

A face like a collapsed lung.

A mouth like a wilted lettuce.

A nose like a straphanger's elbow.

03: Words in common:

See if you can figure out what these words (from Jack Kolb) have in common:

banana
dresser
grammar
potato
revive
uneven
assess

Give up? Check the answer at the end below.

04. Euphemisms.. from George Carlin.

toilet paper.. becomes bathroom tissue
loafers.. become slip-ons
toupees.. become hair appliances or hair replacement systems
false teeth.. become dental appliances
dashboards.. become instrument panels
dump.. becomes landfill
buckteeth.. becomes overbite
hair spray.. becomes holding mist
constipation.. becomes occasional irregularity
diarrhea.. becomes lower gastric distress

George Carlin showed us hundreds of euphemisms for everyday things.. he was a master with the English language.

05. Puzzledom: In the world of puzzles, I am called AHAB and my brother Joe is called ISHMAEL. (Check out Moby Dick by Herman Melville.) Ishmael is a much better puzzler than Ahab. I have puzzles from him that I haven't solved in over twenty years. I'm still trying.

06. Life lesson words: When my son, Chris, was young, I gave him a phrase to think about. "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." I wanted him to realize that if he studied hard and /learned more than the "other guys" he would definitely succeed in life.

I was pleasantly surprized a year later when my son presented me with a desk plaque that read:
"Joe Vaughan, One-Eyed King" I cherished this plaque for many years at the Social Security Administration, and it was a constant source of discussion by visitors to my office.

George Carlin has a euphemism for this phrase also: "In the kingdom of the visually impaired, the partially-sighted person is fully empowered." Doesn't have the same zing, does it?

07. The Rev and his words: In my last blog, I mentioned that I would like to be able to see programs from the 1980's involving Reverend Ike... I said that I did not know how to find such shows. Well, I should have guessed, my brother, Joe told me how to get to see them. I can't wait.

08. LOVE words! I started to review a vhs tape from 1986 that had the title Buscalia on the label. It is a tape of Channel 67 (Maryland Public Television) showing Felice Leo Buscalia interacting with an audience of admirers at Towson State University (Maryland). Mr. Buscalia was the acknowledged expert on the subject of love.. he loved to be hugged and hugged anybody he could get his hands on.

He had lots of stories to illustrate LOVE. In one of them, he talked about an old philosopher he once met. He asked the philosopher about the difference between heaven and hell. The old man gave the following definitions:

In hell, there are beautiful tables filled with wonderful food and delicious desserts. But.. all of the people are starving to death. Why? Because they are required to use 4-foot long forks to eat with.. and the forks are too long to allow them to get food to their mouths.

But.. In heaven, there are also beautiful tables filled with wonderful food and delicious desserts. And.. all of the people are happy and healthy. Why? Because although they also are required to use 4-foot long forks to eat with... they know that they can eat very well by feeding each other. (A loving response.)

09. Huh? Harper's magazine makes this statement in its Findings listing: "Particle physicists were optimistic about the possiblity of creating something out of nothing, because nothing is actually something.""

10. Last Words: The Week Magazine reports that Ohio has imposed a time limit on the last words of condemned prisoners. This came about because one murderer apologized and recited the "Hail Mary" for 17 minutes before his execution.

11. Canadian Words: Canadians are squeemish about killing Canada geese because of their name. Most people think that the Canadian Goose (actually "cackling goose") is their national bird. Each of these birds deposits two pounds of poop per day. Think about that.

Hundreds of Canadian geese have taken up residence at the Social Security Administration in Woodlawn, Maryland and it is difficult to walk on the sidwalks without stepping in goose poop. Every day, water is sprayed on the sidewalks to clear them off; however, as far as I can see, it isn't that effective.

12. Words of Wisdom about Education: (as reported by Jon Winokur in Funny Times)

"If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they never would have found time to conquer the world." Heinrich Heine

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education." Wilson Mizner

"I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal eduction." Tallulah Bankhead

"It is only when we forget all our learning that we begin to know." Henry David Thoreau

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Answer to #03 above: For all of the words shown, take the first letter, put it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards. It will be the same word that you started with!
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It's cold and snowy outside!

Hi.. meet SuZee, our Siamese cat. SuZee was found in a barn, the survivor of an attack by some kind of "varmint". She spent the weeks that she should have been with her mama, living with two dogs who let her have some food if there was any left in their bowls after they had theirs, and who apparently terrorized her. But, she was able to hold her own in some scuffles and even pushed one of the dogs out of his bed and slept there in relative safety.

We were given SuZee as a free gift and she has been a joy to us for almost two years. I especially like that she hasn't realized the range of noises that she could create. Now, she has only a small "meow" and a few other soft sounds. Elaine has tried to teach her the "AARP AARP" song that she used to sing with her former Siamese cat named BufFee. No success yet.. thank heavens!

SuZee does make a unique sound whenever she see a bird perched on the topmost part of the neighbors' roof. I wonder if this is an in-bred mannerism developed over the years in Siam when these cats were guardians of the temples. Yes.. she is warning us that something is desecrating the temple next door.

OK.. time for another dozen observations.

01. Graduation: My beautiful granddaughter, Bridget, graduated from Towson University last week. She is the first grandchild to get a Bachelor of Arts degree. I hope that her success will motivate my other grandchildren to continue their educations.

02. Red heads. Bridget has beautiful red hair. So does AnnE in the movie, Anne of Green Gables. Elaine and I watched this 3 1/4 hour flick last night. It was filmed in beautiful Prince Edward Isle, Canada, and is a monumental tear-jerker. (I defy you to watch it without blubbering!)

I visited PEI a number of years ago and feasted on some of the most delicious seafood I have ever had (outside of New Bedford, of course).. I understand a bridge has finally been built to get to the island. When I went, I spent five hours waiting my turn to get on the ferry. But PEI certainly was worth it, despite the fact that they monopolized on the fame of the book.

Folks.. forget about a European trip. Visit Canada. There is so much to see there.. and you can do it in your own automobile.

03. Where's the Rev? For some time now, I have been trying to find tapes of the shows of Reverend Ike, my favorite preacher. You remember his motto: "I've got what it takes, to take what you've got." One of the few preachers that I have met who were not hypocrites. If anybody knows how to find such tapes, please let me know. I gave away all my BetaMax tapes and I had some of his shows taped on them.. I wish I had kept them.

04. Deep thought: Stephen Hawking says that God did not create the universe. He says that the Big Bang was inevitable and didn't need any help.

05. Thieves in high places: In Greenbelt, Maryland, a Federal employee was found guilty of obtaining over $600,000 in erroneous disability benefits. Also in Maryland, an official at the Maryland Legal Aid Bureau stole over a million dollars from court orders.

Now, if that is almost two million dollars being stolen just in a small area of Maryland, there probably are other thefts going on throughout the U.S. by people in positions of trust. (Of course, if there were no scumbags, thieves and scammers at work, who would be able to afford those multi-million dollar homes that are advertised? Oh, that's right, I forgot about the lawyers.)

06. Grades? Letter grades are now being given to automobiles, based on fuel economy and tailpipe emissions. .. I have been buying groceries and prescriptions at the Giant grocery store in Westminster, Maryland, for several years, and now they have a program where a percentage of money savings is given for Shell gasoline, based on the amount of money spent in that store. Recently, I have had 30 cents a gallon taken off one of my gas fill-ups and 40 cents a gallon taken off another one. I think its a good deal. I wonder why other stores are not copying the program?

Hey.. I remember when gasoline cost 16 cents a gallon. At that time, I had a 1935 Chevrolet with bald tires and broken wheel bearings. I could fill up for $2, whenever I could spare that much money, which wasn't too often. Luckily, I could coast downhill the mile from my house to the high school. (Coming home was the problem.)

Also, my future spouse lived three miles away and by a judicious usage of coasting and light gas usage, I could use very little gas to get to her house and back.

07. Calendars: Many people are are concerned that the world will end in 2012. They base this on some old predictions which failed to take into consideration calendar changes.

I read somewhere that there was a calendar change in the year 1750. The day after September 2nd became September 14th. Crowds of people rioted, demanding: "Give us back our 11 days!" I can't find a reference to this, but if you are interested in calendar changing, please check out:

http://www.suite101.com/content/the-calendar-change-of-1752-a141775

08. Prayer heals all? A French priest, mad because of the expulsion of gypsies, said: "I pray, I beg your pardon, that Mr. Sarkozy has a heart attack."

Another person who wasn't happy about the expulsion was EU Justice Commissioner Vivviane Reding who called it "a disgrace" as well as something she "thought that Europe would not have to witness again after the second World War."

09. Poor Ming: My Snapple diet drink bottle cap says: "The oldest living animal ever found was a 405 year old clam named 'Ming.'" After all those years, he was dug up, and died during the assessment of his age!

(Hey.. look it up in Wikipedia if you think I'm kidding you.)

10. Marriage of convenience? A marriage announcement in a June 2010 edition of the Carroll County Times reads: (married) Carroll County Department of Social Services and Michael E. Francis, of Hanover, Pa., June 15.)

11. Crooked banks? A recent Harper's Index says that the number of Wall Street banks so far which have been tried on criminal charges related to the financial crisis is 2. It also says that the number of banks which have been acquited is also 2.

12. Honoring our veterans? Harper's Index also says that an estimated 2,266 U.S. veterans under the age of 65 died in 2008 because they lacked health insurnace.

So that I won't leave you completely depressed.. let me tell you the words on a birthday card I received from my late friend, Bob Whisenand: "If you think I sent you this card just because it's your birthday... you're wrong! ... it's also out of respect for the elderly!"

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Happy New Year! 2011! Gasp!

I'm quite pleased with myself. Elaine and I pigged out on pizza and shrimp while we watched the ball drop at Times Square. In spite of that, I only went 173 calories over my daily allotment.

I'm trying to lose 30 pounds and I am using an online program to monitor what I eat and how much exercise I use. So far, I have found it very easy to use and it has a lot of features that I like. If you are interested, take a look at:

http://www.loseit.com/

Based on my diet program, I will reach my goal on July 11, 2011. Hopefully, I am motivated enough to avoid my version of the famous Allen Curve, which I call the Alden Curve, named after a famous Pilgrim relative of mine.

(This Alden Curve works well to show how Gyms make their money ... because most people never follow through with their gym visits.. it also works especially well with diet plans. For instance, when you start, a daily motivation graph line leans upward from zero for about a month. At the end of the month, when it dawns on you that you don't want to diet quite as much, your daily motivation graph line starts to work its way back down to the zero point. When you finally quit your diet, a median line drawn across the graph creates an A. This is the Alden Curve.)

Now, to talk about other stuff.

01. Arachnid Statistic? Somebody has reported that 20% of people engaging in sexual activity, maintain an open contact with the Web at the same time. (How did they get that statistic?)

02. Car Talk: If you visit the Car Talk website, you can see all of the famous staff names that you have heard mentioned over the lifetime of the radio show. Here are a dozen of those names that I thought were interesting:

Ulanda U. Lucky - Air Traffic Controller

Turner Luce - Animal Control Officer

Dot Matrix - Director of Computer Services

Collette O'Day - Clock Watcher

Phyllis Steen - Art Critic

Dot Snice - Art Critic II

Hugh Jass - Clothing Designer

Ed Amame - Bean Counter

Bud Uronner - Appeals Specialist

Hugo First - Bunji Jumper Instructor

Orson Buggy - Assistant Transportation Coordinator

Eureka Garlic - Breathalyzer Administrator

See them all at http://www.cartalk.com/

03. Litigation. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me reports that the mayor of Batman, Turkey is suing the makers of the Batman movie because they have not paid royalties for using the town name.

04. Fishy: Connecticut now has a State fish: the shad. (I wonder what ever happened to an SSA worker named Fred Shad?) Is Massachusetts State fish the scrod? (Check out the words to that famous song: Crabs for Christmas.. my favorite song of the season.)

05. Pay Scale: I may have mentioned this before. Mayor Bloomberg of New York City gets a yearly salary of just $1. However, he only gets 93 cents because 7 cents gets deducted for Social Security.

06. Conspiracy Theory: Carroll County Times (Maryland) columnist Tom Zirpoli says that one of the candidates for Governor of Colorado wants to end the city-wide bicycle rental program in Denver because it is a first step in bringing the US under UN control.

07. Necessity: While the Carnival Cruise Line's Splendor was stranded off of Mexico. The U. S. Navy airlifted a supply of Spam so that the strandees could have some protein.

For those of you young folks who have only heard of one kind of spam, check out this site:

http://www.spam.com/

08. Ailurophiles vs. caninophiles: Fellow Mensan, Richard Lederer, writes:

"Cats are smarter than dogs. (This must be true. Tests conducted by the University of Michigan concluded that while a dog's memory lasts no more than five minutes, a cat's can last as long as sixteen hours, exceeding even that of monkeys and orangutans. And you never see eight cats pulling a sled.)"

"Dogs drool; cats rule."

"If you command your dog to 'Come here', he runs right over with a 'Yes, what can I do for you?' The cat's response is, 'Put it in writing, and I'll get back to you later.' This is why dogs have masters, and cats have staff."

09. True adventure: A new biography by Geoffrey Wolff called: The Hard Way Around outlines the life of Joshua Slocum. Joshua was a young ship's captain who had many adventures, such as violent storms and mutinies even before he left Fairhaven, Massachusetts in 1898, and sailed alone around the world for three years. (Fairhaven is across the Acushnet River from New Bedford (my hometown) and there is a little park with a monument to his voyage next to the river and right near a wonderful Bed and Breakfast, which commands a marvelous view of the New Bedford harbor right out of the bedroom windows.)

10. Reward for speeding: A Massachusetts woman was arrested for throwing a bag of dog poop at a speeding car. It went through his open window and hit him in the face. She has been charged with assault.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I was about ten years old, a nasty guy working at cleaning up a yard, flipped dog poop at me as I rode by on my bicycle. This gave him a marvelous laugh. (I wonder if he was still laughing as he surveyed the flat tires on his truck.)

11. Hard to believe, but true: Google has logged almost 1,000 miles on their self-driving Toyota Priuses in California. Robot cars don't drive drunk, distracted or sleepy. (What happens when a State Trooper tries to pull them over for an equipment violation?)

12. Religious knowledge: According to Tom Harbold in the Carroll County (Maryland) Times.. The Pew Forum on religion and public life conducted a quiz of 32 questions given to a random sampling of over 3,000 people. The persons getting the highest number of questions right were Atheists, Agnostics, Jews and Mormons.

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Have a great time in 2011!

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Merry Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas! I'm afraid of saying "Happy Holidays!" since I read some recent irate letters to the editor of the Carroll County (Maryland) Times and also some comments on Facebook. I thought that there were at least three holidays in December this year: Hanukah, Kwanza, and Christmas.... Perhaps one can avoid ill will with all believers and non-believers at this time of year by saying: "Happy New Year!"

01. Tantrum. Yesterday, Elaine and I spent 5 (!) hours shopping for Christmas gifts. At one store, a 4 year old girl was laying on the floor, kicking her feet while her mother tried, in a nice tone of voice, to get her to relinquish the expensive and breakable Christmas ornament that she was clutching with a "death grip."

Elaine, seeing that the mother did not know how to handle the situation, addressed the child and said that she should remember that Santa Claus is always watching and remembering bad behavior. This caused the child to at least stop screaming and look intently at Elaine.

Since I was pushing Elaine in her wheelchair and Elaine knew I was behind her, she thought that the child would see me as Santa and repent. However, Elaine forgot that during the afternoon, I had had my beard trimmed. I lost most of my fluffy white beard and no longer looked like that jolly old codger. So, after pausing to look our way, and not seeing Santa, the coast was clear for the child to continue to scream and carry on.

Over the years, I discovered that if you let a screaming child continue to act that way and you completely ignore them, suddenly they will look around, and finding no audience, stop their tantrum. Apparently, the exasperated mother did not want to do that and finally grabbed the ornament roughly out of the kid's grip, picked her up by the nape of her coat collar and hustled her out of the store, still kicking and screaming. (I will have to make sure I have a hunk of coal to leave in this kid's stocking on Christmas eve.)

02. Shoplifting? On the way out of our last store yesterday, Elaine noticed an elderly woman stuffing boxes of $10. "electronic coin counters" into a massive shopping bag. She wondered if the woman was shoplifting and should be reported. We discussed it a bit.

a. Did she look like a thief? (No, she looked like a kindly old lady.)
b. Was there anybody to tell? (Nobody in sight, it was close to 11pm and only one or two cashiers were working.)
c. Were there cameras recording floor activity? (Yes, all over the place. Recently, a TV show disclosed how viewers in hidden store offices watch all of the activity in the store and report suspicious activity to hired detectives. .. so, remember that when you scratch your butt and think nobody can see you.)

We decided not to get involved. What do you think we should have done?

03. Recession? Once again this year, we had to ride around and around to get a place to park. People were parked on grass, across the street, in the driveways, .. all over the place. And the stores were so crowded we had a hard time getting around. Also, we had to wait in line to get waited on. Kohl's Department Store even had numbers to give out ... like they have at deli counters in super markets.

04. Happy Valentine's Day! Now that most of the Christmas gifts have been bought and store shelves are fairly empty, the Valentine's Day stuff is making an appearance!

05. Decorations. Most of the houses where we live have lots of wreaths and lights as Christmas decorations. I try not to be ostentatious, so I decorate "lightly".. by that I mean that I usually put up one light, in the form of a Mennonite star. Since my old stars had gone nova, I bought a new one for this year. Have you ever tried to put one of those things together? It is a job.

I put most of it together and got very frustrated. Elaine felt sorry for me and finished the job. Yesterday I hung it outside with a long green (I couldn't get a white one) outdoor electrical cord. It is a bit bright. So bright that the three wise men would probably not have a very hard time following it.

That star, as well as three beat up old wreathes, a small Christmas flag, and a big shiny new wreath for the front door, are our Christmas decorations this year.

06. Uncalled for decorations. A certain Mr. Vogel of Towson, Maryland, woke up to find his formerly undecorated house, decorated with ornaments, animals, and lights.. all illuminated by long extension cords. Mr. Vogel called the police, who are investigating. Is this somebody's attempt at a 2010 version of A Christmas Carol?

07. Merry Christmas, Hon! I'll bet that the Cafe Hon in Hamden, Baltimore City, Maryland, is decorated with Christmas Flamingos. They will probably be the usual pink, but with green and red ornaments. Hamden goes in big for Christmas.

Unbelievably to me, some grinches are protesting the fact that Ms Whiting arranged to get a copyright on the term "HON". They have actually picketed her establishment. Get a life, guys!

08. Flash! I just heard that an anteater baby has been born at a local zoo. I don't know if this is the Baltimore Zoo or the DC National Zoo. But how are they going to get any ants for food at this cold time of year?

09. Statistics. As a computer programmer for the Social Security Administration, I supplied our research and statistics analysts with record selections and counts from every computer run. Most of this information was provided to a nice lady who wore famously outlandish hats. Her office was across the street from the main Social Security building and I always wondered what she did in her office that produced such marvelous statistics, used by all kinds of Government Agencies.

One day I got her permission to come and see how this statistical research was done. I expected to see a battery of giant computers whirring and spitting out beautifully typed reports based on the information provide by us to her. Instead, I found a pleasant little office with a gigantic round table in the middle, around which ten grandmotherly looking ladies were rapidly walking, chattering away amicably, as they extracted and inserted pages of printed material out of and into large stacks of other pages of printed material.

I asked her why she didn't automate this activity and she replied that this way there was no duplication of information and therefore no distorted statistics. O.K., I guess I kind of understood that... thirty years ago. But I'll bet this process is done differently today.

10. Special statistics. (As reported in This Week magazine.)

a. One blinks about 20,000 times each day.
b. The U.S. Government has 854,000 people with a Top Secret clearance.
c. 49% of U.S. voters think that President Obama doesn't deserve a second term.
d. 51% of U.S. voters think that President Obama does deserve a second term.

11. Haiku!

a. Crossword Haiku:

Bob Klahn wrote a clue for a recent crossword puzzle that I think is a classic:

"A poem like this, of 17 syllables, split 5-7-5."

b. T-Shirt Haiku:

"Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator."

c. Cat Haiku:

"You never feed me
Pershaps I'll sleep on your face
That will sure show you."

12. Sex.

Actually, I have nothing to say about sex right now. I just put the label in to try to lure more people to this blog.

.............
Merry Christmas to most and Happy Holidays to a few. And: Happy New Year to all!

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Christmas is a-comin..

It's time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope that their wishes come true during the holiday season.

01. Santa Claus: As you can see by my picture, I have played "Santa" again this year. I had been offered a "Santa" job.. for actual pay.. but I decided not to do so.. my main reason was not wanting little kids to throw up on me. So, I just go "HO HO HO" for free, and for adults who have no desire to sit on my lap..

I'm hoping that this year will be the last one in which I actually look like a jolly, fat old Santa. I am taking Physical Therapy sessions to regain use of some of the flexibility and muscle tone I have lost since I quit lifting weights about ten years ago. One of my problems is what is called "tissue approximation." (This can be translated to "beer belly.") One of my goals this year is to lose 20 pounds around my middle.

02. Alzheimers: This Week magazine reports that some study results show that people with beer bellies actually have shrunken brains.. making them more susceptible to developing Alzheimers disease. That's another incentive for losing weight.

03. XMAS Toy: Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me mentioned that a popular toy this year is somehow related to "roadkill". I need to look that up in the XMAS toy catalogs. If you travel throughout Carroll County Maryland, you see lots and lots of roadkill.. so why pay for it when you can get it free.

Yesterday, while turning through a highway cloverleaf, I came upon 238 enormous turkey buzzards having lunch on roadkill. As I mentioned a couple of years ago, turkey buzzards completely devoured a large deer that had wandered into my backyard to die. In a very short time, only bones were left of the 500 pound creature, and so I didn't have to drag the dead body to wherever you drag dead deer that have died on your property.

04. Fashion? The New York Times suggests that men should start using purses that reflect their manhood. Not dainty pink things; but rather, bags made out of camouflage cloth, or ammunition cases, or ... out of whatever would indicate manhood. Sounds good to me.. for years I have carried a wallet in one back pocket, a comb, handkerchief, pen, paper sheet, business card case in another back pocket.. plus a bunch of keys and cell phone attached to my belt. I think it might be better to carry all such things in a carrying case, such as women have.

However, the fear of being considered a "sissy" by other men has kept most of us guys from carrying purse-like containers over our shoulders. But.. suppose I owned a "purse" that somehow reflected just the things I am interested in as a man.. like whales.. or crossword puzzles.. or politics.. maybe that would work. I'll have to look into this. Of course, this could be dangerous since most men are just interested in naked women.

I carry a delicate red basket to our local Bistro to get carry-out supper on most nights. This gets me lots of gentle ribbing.. but so what, it works.. I can carry lots of food without dropping it on the ground. Now.. if the basket had pink ribbons on it.. that would be a different story.

05. Don't ask...: Some people might equate what I implied about "sissy" as meaning "gay".. That is not the case. Many of the gay people that I know are not "sissies" in any sense of the word. The House has just acted to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell and the Senate is considering the issue right now. I served with several gay persons when I was in the Air Force and there was never any problem in any way. And that was the situation when I worked in the physical fitness department of the New Bedford, Mass. YMCA. These folks were not "sissies".. or delicate, tiptoeing folks.

06. Manufacturing: I heard that the Gap stores are selling a carrying bag with the words: "Made in the USA" printed on it. Close inspection reveals that it really was made in China.. just like everything else in the USA.

Before WWII, when Japanese products flooded our markets, they renamed a city Usa, so that they could print "Made in USA" on goods shipped to America.

07. Pickup line: I think it might have been Wait Wait that reported on the best pickup line: "You have beautiful lips." But do you think that lips are the most attractive feature on women for men, or are men just lying again.

08. Eyebrows: It might have been Wait Wait again that mentioned that the current month should be known as DECEMBROW.. the month when women avoid plucking their eyebrows, so to achieve the UNIBROW look.

Lots of men I know have just one eyebrow...straight over both eyes. Most men don't pluck their eyebrows.. and some men are just naturally extra hairy, even on their forehead. And then there are hairy men who have "dingleberries".. but that is a subect for a future blog (and maybe #9 that follows.)

09. Word: Bill Bryson in Made in America records a Pennsylvania Dutch word: aarschgnoddle: which translates to "the globules of dung found in the vicinity of the anus"... Bill wonders why the Pennsylvania Dutch need such a word.. so do I.

10. More of the same: Bryson also says that the word POPPYCOCK comes from the Dutch word PAPPEKAK (soft dung).

How did I get into this topic anyway? What do you think of that, Prince Poppycock?

11. New SCAM: I received an email from "Robert S. Mueller III, Federal Bureau of Investigation, J. Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001, USA" saying "The Skye Bank Nigeria Plc informed us the FBI, that they are through with the first (1st) quarter transfer to beneficiaries, and .... (to) where your payment file belongs to now."

Mr Mueller advises me to get in touch with the Skye Bank Nigeria as soon as possible so I don't lose out on all the money ($2m) that I may be eligible for.. they give me an email address to contact.. IMMEDIATELY. They end it with "In God We Trust."

A clever twist on an old scam.

12. Risks: The Carroll Hospital Center (Maryland) sent me the following quote from Patrick Johnston. I like it.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To explore feelings is to risk exposing our true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try at all is to risk failure.

But risk we must, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The man, the woman, who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

.....
This reminds me of something a famous writer once said to would-be authors:

Don't sit down to write, until you have stood up to live.

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Happy Holidays?

Holiday season 2010:

01. Baltimore's carol: I hope that you have heard "Crabs for Christmas". If you listen to WAMU (Washington, DC FM station) you know that the host of the "Old Time Radio" show was the first person to sing that great song. At the December meeting of the Carroll County AARP, the leader of the Senior Singers played the piano and sang a marvelous Baltimorese version of the words.. and he isn't even a native Marylander! Made me want to run right out and order me some nice spicy Balty More crabs.

02. HON trademark: I'm glad that Denise Whiting has now gotten "HON" trademarked. She was the originator of the HON madness that engulfs the Hamden area, as well as all of Baltimore. She doesn't want folks exploiting something that she thought up. However, she also doesn't want to exploit it herself. I've met Denise and she is a wonderful caring person.. a fine representative of what is good about Baltimore people.

03. Good lungs now: A Chicago songwriter has written a holiday song, some of the words of which are: "Santa doesn't smoke anymore." "He must have read the surgeon general's warning." "He took one last puff, and then said: I've had enough!"

I encourage you to find this song, as well as a copy of "Crabs for Christmas" and get into the spirit of the holidays.

04. Hanukah Rocks: We should all be ecomenical this year, so I encourage you to also get a copy of Walk on the Kosher Side, songs by rock band Gefilte Joe and the Fish.

05. How Bigotry celebrates the season: I understand that the scumbags from the Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing Elizabeth Edwards' funeral because they say she didn't ask God to cure her cancer.

06. Rudolph: I never could understand the worth of the message of this song. A group ostracises another creature for being different, and when the different being does something that the group approves of, that different being is now beloved by the group...? Shouldn't we be teaching our kids to love everyone, even the ones that are different, and not wait until they "earn" our love? I know, I know.. it's just a fun song for Christmas...

07. With charity to all? Thanks to Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and a couple of other guys who know how to make a buck, some billionaires are going to give money to charity while they are still alive. Kind of hard to be synical about that.

08. Wiki Leaks XMAS Cards? Some of my friends applaud the leaks. I don't. I was a cryptographer when I was in the Air Force, and I have some acquaintance with Top Secrets, and I believe that some degree of secrecy is necessary for a Nation to survive in these troubled times. Don't ask me to elaborate.. my lips are sealed.

09. Christmas in New York: NPR reports that one of the tunnels in and out of the city carries two versions of the same billboard picture. It is a manger scene... one billboard was paid for by the Catholic Church; one billboard was paid for by an Atheist group. Only the wording is different.

10. Cool heads: A man in Cumberland, Maryland, is charged with stealing over one thousand custom fitting hats. (Incidentally, his name is Wigger.) I like to think that he just wanted to give them to the poor and homeless as a gesture of friendship in the holiday spirit. (Elaine made me wear my Santa Claus hat all this week.)

11. Hot heads: Yesterday, crowds of protesters in London tried to paint Prince Charles' limousine for Christmas. Charles and Camilla showed typical British reserve by waving to the holiday host.

12. Winter Wonderland: Yesterday, a forecast of snow flurries came true.. about a quarter of an inch fell, at least in Carroll County, Maryland. It may sound strange to those who live in northern climes (like Massachusetts or Rhode Island).. but this minute amount of precip caused major havoc. One lady reported taking 3 hours to travel 6 miles on a major road. Schools closed early and businesses instituted a liberal leave policy.

Giant Grocery Store experienced a run on toilet paper, bread and milk, as folks stocked up for a long Winter's hibernation. Elaine and I slipped and slid to the Elk's Club for a luncheon. Safe at last, we sat and stuffed ourselves as we remembered those ancient days when we had to put chains on our tires in order to move in traffic.

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New Stuff and Old Stuff

Now that I am an "old dude", I realize that "sometimes" I repeat myself (others might substitute the word "often" for "sometimes"). So, today, I found a copy of the famous and now defunct Weekly World News, and thought I might write some notes about this wonderful sheet.

However, just in time, I woke up and remembered that I had already done a blog entry about this very issue. But.. the date of the issue was September 18, 2006, and some things have changed since then. Let me tell you about some of them.

01. Magic! There is an article about what the paper calls "the world's worst magician". They claim that a guy named Victor Baum performed in the Boston area and people came to see him because he was so bad. Once, it took him 52 times before he got a "guess the playing card" trick right!

I hope you remember about the guy I have mentioned before who, in my opinion, is now "the world's best magician." Yes, I'm talking about "The Amazing Stanley". Check him out.. he is good!

www.justforyou.com/magic.htm

02. Power Names. The paper also suggested that you give your children names that could help form their character and drive them to high achievement. They suggested names such as Google, Maxima, Java, or Excel.

I just heard on the radio that a gentleman named Douglas Smith was allowed to change his name to Captain Awesome. Well, I hope it does it for him.

I may have mentioned this before, but when I worked at Social Security, I had the authorization to change names on our records, if requested. A member of a religious order which had a common hyphenated surname for its members asked to have his "like John Doe" name changed. Seeing no reason to deny him this request, I did so.

Suddenly, droves of fellow religious persons descended on Social Security, asking for the same favor now that there was a precedent.. at the same time, a rival religious order found out and had their members petition for changes to names with their own hyphenated designation.

Someone thought that I had established a bad precedent (and the ensuing chaos) and somehow had it rescinded.

BTW: some of you already know that I have had several "names" over the years. The ones I like best are: AHAB (my nom in puzzledom); H.R. Pooner (my long lost brother gave me that one because of my love for whales.. no.. I never wanted to harm them); and S.P. Kerr (a name used when I did Toastmaster activity)....

03. Predictions coming true? The paper also listed some predictions for the future. I'll mention two of them:

Waco, TX 2010: The F.B.I. discovers the cult moviie house and, after a standoff with the audience, fires the projectionist.

Washington, DC 2011: As the political right gains greater influence in the country, many colleges change their curriculum to offer conservative arts programs.

04. Trivia from 2006:

There are more than 1,750 "O's" in a 15 ounce can of SpaghettiOs. (Guess what.. the cans still hold 15 ounces in 2010!)

Ovaltine was called Ovomaltine.. but it was a Swiss product, and when it got registered in the U.S., a clerical error gave it its current name. (I'm sure you were astounded to read that.)

Flamingo tongues were a common delicacy at Roman feasts. (In these austere days, the only persons who continue to be able to eat flamingo tongues are those "fat-cats" who will benefit the most from the continuing "tax cuts for the rich and famous.")

In Australia, the most popular topping for pizza is eggs. In China, it is mussels. In the US, it is pepperoni. (What about anchovies, my favorite?)

An apple, an onion, and a potato all taste alike. (I've heard this before.. if you pinch your nose and take a blindfolded bite of each, you would not know which you are eating. I haven't tried this yet. Let me know if you have.)

..... Well, that's enough for now.. I have to get to my physical therapy session so I can be pushed, prodded, and punched in order to get my muscles working better. They have been withering a bit in the past few years.

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The Latest News on December 4th 2010

..........01. Boring day! At last, scholars have determined that the most unevential day in recorded history was April 11, 1954! On that day, not one historical event took place.

I beg to differ! This was the date that I arrived by means of a back-breaking, death-defying ride up to the top of a mountain near the town of Pruem, Germany. (Americans must be careful how they pronounce the name of this town.) We were now in the Schnee Eiffel mountains. "Schnee" means "snow" and this is where I served as a "frozen airman" for 18 months. It was also the day when I bared my chest and donned my wartime gear to have my memorable "lean, mean, fighting machine" picture taken. (I had been a little fortified against the cold by some Bitburger Pils, a local beer that was quite a bit stronger than Budweiser and guaranteed to cause enormous amounts of pungent gas to be discharged.)

(Sorry that the picture is so small. My photo software refused to make it any bigger.)

..........02. New scam. A friend just received a fancy printed letter saying that he has won one quarter of a million dollars. All he has to do to receive the money is to send $20. to cover shipping costs and taxes. At the bottom is a form for checking how you are paying: Check ___ Cash ___ Money Order ___ The small amount of money required is a new twist to an old scam.

If you send cash or a money order, the scammer has at least gotten a little money from you. But, if you send a check, the scammer will use it to wipe out your bank account.

If you get a letter like this, report it to the Post Office or the local police station.. but, in no case, should you send any money.

..........03. Silvio.. shame on you. If the news reports are true, Italy's leader, Silvio Berlusconi has been active in other fun things beside "bunga bunga". It is reported that he recently spent lots of Government money to repair genitalia on an office statue. (Don't worry, if a Vatican envoy visits his office, I'm sure that a fig leaf will be in place in no time.)

..........04. Forbidden fruit. Somebody has figured out how to inject apples with botox so that they never turn brown. (My dentist now gives botox shots as a cosmetic aid! Why would anyone want to get stuck with the poison used to kill animals by Amazon natives?)

..........05. Got the time? The furniture company, BDDW has developed the Nixie desk clock. Each clock is made by hand, and the company makes two to three units at a time. These clocks cost from $2,500 to $12,400. The clock cases are guaranteed for 20,000 years, but the time is shown in little glass circles that require bulbs that only last 2 years.

..........06. Bieber fever? On a prominent wall in the home of an arrested notorious Brazilian drug dealer was found a giant poster of Justin Bieber.

..........07. What God has forgotten: Fast Company magazine reports that medical tourism is growing 35% each year.

Some of the locations and prices:

Lip Augmentation: China: $500.

Breast Augmentation: Costa Rica: $3,800.

Cheek Implant: Spain: $1,942.

Butt Lift: Brazil: $6,000.

..........08. Classy words. I just got through reading the book Reading the OED, One Man, One Year, 21,730 Pages by Ammon Shea. For dictionary cookoos like me, the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) is the greatest dictionary every written. Its most intriguing feature is its quotations from famous people who have used or even created each word.

Ammon resolved to read all of the entries in this massive work, and he did. His book tells us about his effort and gives some examples of interesting words that he discovered among the pages.

Let me give you an example of some of the words he found in a little story:

A Trip on the Subway

In a matudinal state, I decided to ride to work on the subway. On the trip, a sansculottic, cimicine, xanthodontous grinagog sourged me and I became nauseant. However, I tried to remain in a state of nemesism like a true garbist.

Looking down, I gaumed a repertitious dollar. I retrieved it and made it a xenium for my subway neighbor. (This was a naturesse, if I do say so myself.)

Feeling good about the xenium, my subway neighbor made an act of redamancy by providing a miskissing.

Disgusted with this engouement and suddenly micturient, I departed the train at the next stop.

..........09. Palindromes. Famous Canadian puzzlers, Joaquin and Maura Kuhn published a puzzle book in 1980 with the title: Rats live on no evil stars. All of the puzzle words are palindromes.. which read the same frontwards as backward. You remember the old palindromes: Able was I ere I saw Elba. (related to Napoleon).. or A man, a plan, a canal, Panama (related to T.R.) ...

Some of their words:

Cain, a monomaniac

Drawn inward

Haiti, ah!

Mad Adam

Niagara, O roar again

Red robe border

Rise, Sir!

To do Godot

Wet stew

I'm a last salami

..........10. Punchlines. A German study of brain activity reports that brain disease of the right frontal lobe causes one to tell bad jokes. (So that's my reason.)

My greatest bomb as a standup comedian was when I decided to just tell the punchlines and not the jokes.

..........11. Satan is smiling?. The Catholic church has instituted exorcism training, to be given in Baltimore, Maryland. (Is the devil behind all of the senseless killings in the Baltimore area?

..........12. LOL! The Wakefield (Massachusetts) Track and Field team handed out shirts with the teams initials: WTF. They are contemplating a recall.

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Revised List for Santa

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a list of fantastic things we might like Santa to bring. That post was not very creative, I'm sorry to say.. and a couple of people even said that it was uninspired.

I'll try to correct that a bit because a great yearly event has now occured, I have received my annual copy of Hammacher Schlemmer's famous catalog of "must have", "almost impossible to get" stuff. It comes to me under the "Joe M Vaughan" mailing list. For the few of you who follow these blog posts, you know that the M between my first and last name stands for MONEY, and the catalog sender probably thinks that I am rich, because I once subscribed to Forbes Magazines, using that name.

However, you don't have to be rich to buy many of the great things shown in this catalog. I highly recommend it to you, if you don't already get it. In our materialistic age, Christmas is the time to wish for stuff that we probably don't really need, but hope that someone will give us, and this catalog has lots of stuff to stimulate our hopefulness.

So, for now, I will make an upbeat list of Hammacher Schlemmer things I might like Santa to bring to this household, if he also has access to the catalog. (However, make no mistake, being naughty as usual, I don't think Santa would even consider climbing down our chimney, even if we had one.)

01. Barking Dog Deterrent. This Pablovian device emits sound that is irritable to dogs. One sets it to make the bad noise whenever Fido barks and disturbs your peace. (I wish they had this 20 years ago when the only way to get a dog to shut up at 3 am was to hit it with a big rock.)

02. Flying Car. This vehicle converts from a regular type automobile to a flyable aircraft. HS' price is $350,000, but is certainly well worth the price.

03. Gyroscopic Dumbbell. This is a tennis ball sized device that is used to almost effortlessly build up your wrist, biceps, triceps and deltoid muscles. (I wish I had also known about this 20 years ago, when I was spending hours lifting tons of weights, trying to look like Big Arnie Schwartzenegger.)

04. Finger Drum Mouspad. This device allows you to play all kinds of drum sounds by using your finger taps. For less than $40 you can be your own Gene Krupa.

05. A wall crawling arachnid. This is a remote controlled spider that can scurry up walls and across ceilings. (Wouldn't this be a great thing for High School boys with which to scare the girls!)

06. Aviator's hat. This is an exact replica of the ear-flap cap worn by my friend, Sid Simon, as he sat in his Flying Fortress and bombed the hell out of Aachen, Germany.

07. Marshmallow shooter. This is a pump action device that can shoot edible marshmallows up to 30 feet. You can also get a target to go with it that plays a sound whenever it is hit, even by those soft white things. (Parents should get this for their agressive children who are now engaged in hitting other kids with bruise-enducing rocks.)

08. Cell phone watchdog. A great idea. One puts the "watchdog" on your keychain and whenever the cell phone and you are more than 30 feet apart, it beeps. (Now, I have to dial a lost cell phone and hope that it is close enough for me to hear the ringtone.)

09. Turtle astronomer. This is a soft cuddly turtle that projects the image of 8 constellations upon the ceiling when you go to bed. The whole thing shuts off after 45 minutes so that you can fall asleep.

10. Bug vacuuming breakthrough. This is a light weight cordless vacuum tube that sucks up stinkbugs from almost 2 feet away and kills them humanely. Using this would probably be a lot easier than plugging in and lugging your 200 pound vacuum cleaner close to the bug and trying to get the little stinker sucked up before he scurries away.

11. Colorful snowman set. This is a set of paint that does not melt when it is squeezed onto Mr. Snowman. We should no longer need to find buttons for eyes, coal for teeth, or carrots for noses. They can now just be painted on. In fact, as a catalog picture of a painted snowman shows, one can paint the snowman's name right on the snow-white snow.

12. Yankee Stadium Seats. This is amazing and I can think of a guy who would pay a lot more than the asking price of $1,500 for these authentic Yankee Stadium seats. Two seats are attached and sold together.

Santa, if you can't bring us any of these items, we will understand. But would you please deliver Hammacher Schlemmer catalogs to each of the persons on our Christmas card list, so they can take a look at all the wonders contained within that good old American ingenuity has come up with for the 2010 Christmas season..

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Cycle of life.

Today, I want to talk about the crazy news, but first I want to tell you about a great loss to the world of opera... the death of Joan Sutherland. Then, I want to tell you about Elaine's latest accomplishment. Then, the other stuff.


01 A Diva is gone. The cycle of life.

At the age of 83, and still a diva. Joan Sutherland passed away in October. "La Stupenda" was a wonderful "bel canto" singer. Two of her most famous roles were as Lucia and Norma. Dame Sutherland was a very tall (Julia Childs type) and dominated the stage with her presence at first and then when she began to sing.









02. The Miracle of Birth. (The cycle of life.) A few months ago, as I mentioned in a prior blog entry, Elaine was witness to the birth of three deer in our "backyard" here at Carroll Lutheran Village. She wrote about the experience for the "Creative Expressions" book, published annually by the Village. She has now been asked to read her story on a local radio station.



Elaine has a very well modulated speaking voice and has had some acting experience. She was an extra in the movie "Hannibal" and also in the Baltimore version of the Australian TV series, "Homicide, Life on the Street".



We think that only two of the deer survived, because every once in a while, we see two young deer jumping and running while their mama quietly observes. We have been told that a birth of three deer is an unusual occurence. Elaine noticed that the first two baby deer jumped right up and started moving about, but the third was kind of sluggish. Recently, we placed a salt block near where the deer congregate sometimes, hoping to get them into position so we can take a good photo of the family together.





03. Math. U.K. researchers have determined that giving a slight electrical shock over the right ear improves a person's math abilities for months. Some of my friends tell me that a good smack on a child's butt by a father improves scholastic ability as well.



04. Sarah. Golly! Gee whiz! Alaska is a dangerous but energizing place. How do you like her "reality show?"



05. Deficit cutting. Cut Social Security. - No way! Cut Medicare. - No way! Cut the Federal workforce. - Are you crazy? Cut earmarks. - Sure (but not really.. because how else can I produce for my constituents and get re-elected?) Raise gasoline tax. - Ouch!

The cure for it all.. 100% employment. (Or.. steal back the billions of dollars that the Iraqis and Afghanis have been stealing from us for years now.)



06. Jailhouse lawyer. A prisoner is suing the parents of a boy he killed while driving 80 miles an hour. He says that the parents not forcing the boy to wear a helmet has caused him great emotional pain and suffering. He has ten more years to endure this pain.. hopefully, he will be able to endure it for the full ten years and not be given an early release.



07. Hyper-texting. Hyper-texters send at least 120 text messages a day. Would somebody explain to me what these messages could possibly impart? I remember visiting a friend's home many years ago, before texting, but when online messaging was in its infancy. His son had an internet connection on his PC and was engaged in this kind of interplay of messages.

"Hi."
"Hi."
"Waddaya doin today?"
"Nothin. Waddaya doin today?"
"Nothin. Want to come over?"
"Nope.. We got company."
"Can I come over?"
"Yes."
"What can we do?"
"I dont know. What can we do?"

etc... more of the same.



At the time, everybody thought this was cute.. after all, the kids involved were 8 years old.

In the future, the world will be populated with people with giant thumbs and no speaking ability.



08. Hyper-networkers. These are people, not necessarily kids, who spend three or more hours on social network sites like Facebook. I wonder how much of this time is spent playing online games. Some people mix media.. for instance, some people seem to treat Facebook entries like Twitter entries. "I'm going to the grocery store now." "I''m back from the grocery store now."

Come on, give me a break! Luckily, one can block Facebook entries and not have to tell the blockee that they are blocked, so no feelings are hurt.



09. Come on, Dick! The Week magazine cites a tabloid entry that quotes Dick Van Dyke saying that once he fell asleep on his surfboard and when he woke up, porpoises pushed him all the way in to shore. Dick, did you bang your head when you tripped over the hassock?



10. By the beard of the prophet! Another qoted tabloid entry mentions that two guys confessed to forcing a man to eat his own beard.

I've decided not to be Santa Claus this year. I had a job offer back in Spring, and I said that I might try it. But now.. after reading some David Sidaris stories, I don't thing I want to have the experience of little kids climbing on my lap, pulling my beard, vomiting on my knees, .... you get the picture.



11. Carlin. Yesterday, I bought the book Last Words, a memoir by George Carlin, with an assist by Tony Hendra. In reading the introcuction by Tony, I realized that he was the guy who wrote about Father Joe, a great read.


I note that the seven words made famous by George Carlin are being used more and more often by people on Facebook. Even some of my grandchildren are using such words once in a while. I realize that these are only "words" and one should not get upset upon hearing them. However, the young person that uses these words should realize that some older people who might be helpful to them in the future may be placing them in a category of people that they do not care to help, based on their vocabulary.



I loved George Carlin, and I enjoyed his humor. I have reservations about so-called comedians who must rely on George's seven words to be funny. They have not understood George's genius as a humorist. To show that you can be funny even without using the seven words, visit my joke blog.



http://joevaughansjokes.blogspot.com/



12. Devastating insight. Those ubiquitous U.K. researchers have now discovered that some dogs are pessimistic. How on earth did they discover that. Cats? Maybe. But, surely not dogs.
I think their research is in error. All the dogs I know seem to be happy go lucky and glad to see you.



Blogs rhyme with dogs, and my theory is that blogs, like dogs, should all be optimistic.



And I'm glad that you took time out of your busy day to visit my blog.
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Random Ramblings as the Weather Cools

I'm going to do a lot of jumping around today.

01. Chan. Do you remember the Charlie Chan movies? They were the "B" movies that were shown in double feature shows. I always liked the Charlie Chan movies more than the "A" movies.

Charlie always had a saying to educate his "Number 1 son", and us kids would walk around after the movie, saying those clever aphorisms that we had heard.. usually not understanding them..

A few of these aphorisms:

Politeness golden key that opens many doors.

Long road sometimes shortest way to end of journey.

Action speak louder than French.

Can cut off monkey's tail, but he is still monkey.

Confucius says: A wise man questions himself; a fool others.

Cornered rat usually full of fight.

If befriend donkey, expect to be kicked.

Advice after mistake is like medicine after dead man's funeral.

Confucius says: No man is poor who has worthy son. (Charlie's number one son was usually Key Luke, who sometimes almost solved crimes by himself.)

One that I liked (but I'm sure Charlie never said) was "Confucius says: 'Many man smoke, but Fu Man Chu!'"

Over the years, several actors have portrayed Charlie Chan:

1936 Warner Oland
1946 Sidney Toler
1948 Roland Winters
1957 J. Carol Naish
1971 Ross Martin

Check out this great Chan site:

http://charliechanfamily.tripod.com/

02. Chinese Fortune Cookies: Years ago, fortune cookies displayed Charlie Chan-like aphorisms. Now, they've been updated a bit. Here are the last three that I received when I broke open my cookies:

Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly.

A lifetime of happiness lies ahead of you.

Anyone can memorize things, but the important thing is to understand it.

You have an important secret.. guard it well.. for at least one month.

It's time you asked that special someone out on a date. (Sorry, I'm spoken for.)

I have personally examined every detail of this garment to make sure it meets our high quality standards. Inspector 41. (Wait a minute! How did this get into a fortune cookie?)

These "fortunes" also contain language lessons now. Examples:

Boss: Lao-ban
Friendly: you-hao
Summer Camp: xia-ling-lying
Medical doctor: Hai-zi

But wait... That's not all.. they also have lucky numbers! Play them and you are sure to win loads of money.

03. Lucky numbers. My grandfather loved to play the numbers. He always played 437 (boxed). He couldn't afford to play much money.. so he usually played ten cents a bet. But when he was "flush", he would play numbers recommended by an out-of-town newspaper.. The Afro American.. out of Baltimore, Maryland. (I'm sure he wasn't quite sure where Baltimore was at the time.) He always told me that those numbers were the best you could get.

He would get his Afros delivered weekly by an ancient African-American, who would walk two miles uphill to get to our house (probably his only customer in the West End of New Bedford, Massachusetts.) Rain or shine, he would struggle up the hill just to deliver the 5 cent newspaper to my Grandfather.. and, perhaps, take a small numbers bet from him.

My grandfather "hit" the numbers quite often. Usually for around $7.00. Not much, but enough to buy 140 five cent beers at the Buttonwood Cafe, where my Grandfather "held court." He was called "Senator Vaughan", and he looked the part.

03. Alphabet soup at Spring training? Some time ago, one of the famous Baltimore Orioles pitchers was stopped at an early morning traffic check in Florida, and was asked to recite the alphabet. He tried vainly to do so, and afterwards told the policeman: "But I'm from Alabama, and they have a different alphabet." He was then arrested and charged with driving under the influence.

04. RIP Jack. Today, as I was "getting organized", an obituary fell out of some papers.

Jack S. Futterman passed away on March 22, 2000. I attended his funeral.

Jack was the Social Security Administration (SSA) manager responsible for the establishment of the Social Security Alumni Association, the organization which I have been president of, off and on, for 15 years. Jack had the vision of retirees being utilized by SSA for special projects, and also meeting regularly in social settings.

The Alumni Association has always volunteered to do SSA's bidding. A few years ago, they did use some retirees to pass out brochures in a shopping mall, and that worked very well. We are still available, but SSA apparently has enough staff to do all of their work without calling upon us. However, individuals with specialized experience have been rehired temporarily to help SSA when conditions warranted it.

Thanks to Jack, the SS Alumni Association has been a viable organization now for over 30 years.

Jack was quite an artist in his spare time and when he passed away, his son donated several of his father's paintings to the organization. A couple of them are hanging in our office. One is a rendition of a local church; the other is a still life with various artifacts.

05. Useful tip. Use empty toilet paper rolls or paper towel rolls to store appliance cords. It keeps them nice and neat and you can write on the outside what appliances they belong to.

06. Hairspray. (Not the Baltimore movie) During the 1960's one of SSA's famous computer room operators had a marvelous hairdo. Normally tall, with the addition of a foot of hair on top of her head, she was a spectacularly tall lady. Very impressive!

To keep her "do" looking good and appropriately erect, she used lots and lots of hairspray. She spent a great deal of time in the ladies' room spraying.. much to the chagrin of the other ladies, who sometimes came running out coughing and wiping their eyes.

Well.. here is another tip: If flies or bees are bothering you, spray them with hair spray and they will take a quick nosedive.

I'll bet that famous computer room operator never had problems with flies and bees.

07. Bulbs. Another tip. Have you ever had a burned out light bulb break off in your hands. Then you have to shut off the circuit breaker, get out the pliers and wrestle with getting the bottom of the bulb pulled out of the socket.

To avoid this problem: whenever you need to insert a new bulb, rub some vaseline on the threads. Later, when the bulb dies, you can easily remove it. Saves a lot of cussing.

Speaking of bulbs.. when we visited Thomas Edison's home in Florida, we were shown light bulbs that were glowing brightly. We were told that these bulbs had been turned on by Edison himself and were still alive after decades of use. The secret ingredient was not revealed to us, and I'm sure that if we knew it, we all would get those kinds of bulbs and put the bulb manufacturers out of business. (My sister-in-law Linda worked in a bulb manufacturing plant, I wonder if she knew about these bulbs.)

08. Tip for winos. I can't believe this one, and I quote: "Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces."

Does anyone have leftover wine? I'm a very cheap wino.. my doctor says that I should have two glasses of red wine each evening. I try to adhere to his prescription, but not with wine that costs a lot of money.

I have a hard time believing the prices that shops get for wine. Perhaps it was because I spent 4 years in Germany where a good bottle of Riesling cost 25 cents (yes, I know, it was a while ago). Even in Paris, I did not spend a lot for wine. Remember, European water was not usually nice enough to drink.. so people drank a lot of wine and beer. (Americans in Europe mainly drank coca cola at a Cafe Americain.)

My advice.. buy a box of good California wine for about $11 for 5 (count 'em) litres! In my opinion, that wine is just as tasty as any of these highly touted wines that cost over $30 a bottle. Try it, you'll like it.

09. Alka Seltzer. Some more tips that someone sent me via email:

Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets in your toilet. Wait 20 minutes. Brush and flush. Voila.. bright vitreous China toilet bowl!

Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. Should polish the jewelry.

Clear a sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.. and presto! A clear drain.. or so they say.

10. Alka Seltzer. My addiction. I like Alka Seltzer and am probably not going to pour it down any old drain.. I'm going to drop one tablet into a glass of nice cool water, watch it fizz, and then drink it down in one gulp. I've been doing this for years... secretly... until, during a recent doctor's examination, I confessed. Amazingly, he thought it was a good idea.. this is a Cardiologist and he wants me to take an aspirin tablet every evening.. so, since aspirin is in Alka Seltzer, I can substitute.

I mentioned this to my General Practitioner, and he thought it was a good idea too. And I've been having a guilt feeling about this for years. Now I can relax.

One of my Elaines teased me about Alka Seltzer and told everyone that my kids used to stand close to me in the evenings to hear the fizz in my stomach.

My mother-in-law decided she wanted to try Alka Seltzer and asked me what to do. I told her to open the bottle, take out a tablet and drop it in water, wait for the fizz and drink it right down. Later that night, she poured a glass of water, opened the bottle, took out the top item and placed it in the water. After a long period of non-fizz, she tried to help it along by breaking it up with a spoon. Still no fizz. She called me up. I told her that she had taken the foam topping out of the bottle instead of a tablet. After she got over her embarassment, she was successful and became an Alka Seltzer junkie like me.

11. Venezuelan Cleanliness. Harper's Magazine's Index mentions that Hugo Chavez called upon Venezuelans to limit their morning showers to 3 minutes. (Assumes that everyone in Venezuela takes a shower?)

12. U.S. Obesity Problem. Harper's Index mentions that 40% of all food in the U.S. supply chain is wasted. (Waisted?)

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Our Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa, here is our wish list for Christmas 2010.

To make it easy for you, we have picked items from some of the voluminous catalogs we are receiving every day during this holiday season. If you want, we will leave a pile of these catalogs under our dryer vent (we don't have a chimney) so you can take them with you when you leave . They are a lot of fun to read, and we recommend them to everyone, including the Mrs and your busy elves.

Joe wants: A false hair "transplant" hat/visor. These come mostly in spiked hairdos and weird colors. He would rather have one with black/grey hair, so he can look a little younger, but not so young that he looks like a teen-ager.

The other day, at an AARP Diversity Workshop, many of the attendees said the most noticable thing about themselve was their "grey hair." Grey, hell! At our age, the hair is WHITE!

(Except for Elaine. Her hair will never get grey or white. OK?!)

Elaine wants: A sweatshirt that displays: "I don't do mornings!"

Joe wants: A pair of kilts. When we were in Scotland, Joe asked our kilted guide what is worn under kilts. He replied, "Nothing.. everything is in working order."

Elaine wants: A sweat-shirt with the letters NCIS. She likes this because it reminds her of the TV show. Neither Elaine nor Joe know what the letters mean.

Joe wants: A Therapeutic Dog Bed: Although the 42 x 52 inch bed is made of foam and is designed to be used by a dog, it looks so comfortable that Joe could use it when Elaine snores. (She says she doesn't snore. But she does, and she also talks Chinese in her sleep.)

Elaine wants: A Therapeutic Dog Bed: Although the 42 x 52 inch bed is made of foam and is designed to be used by a dog, it looks so comfortable that Elaine could use it when Joe snores. (He says "Nay, Nay!" ... but he lies a lot.)

Confusius says: "The one who snores always falls asleep first."

Elaine wants: A sign that says: "I'm so busy, I don't know if I found a rope or lost my horse."

Joe wants: A red and green sweat shirt that is imprinted with the words: "O Come Let Us Adore Me." That would be appropriate for the Joe Vaughan Fan Club.

Elaine wants: A pair of bright pink "Cuddl Duds" to keep her toasty warm during the La Nina Winter.

Joe wants: A toilet seat that looks just like a manhole cover.

It would remind him of when he was a kid and the street baseball would roll down the "sand catcher" and into the sewer. One of the kids would hang upside down close to the sewer water, held on the legs by another kid, and retrieve the (kind of smelly) ball, ... plus other floating balls as a bonus.

Elaine wants: Elvis Presley sneakers. They include Elvis' name spelled out in false jewels.

Joe wants: The Christmas classic Leg Lamp! You've all seen the TV story. What a wonderful holiday decoration that will make!

Elaine wants: A 3-piece synthetic Ghillie Suit, perfect for concealment while hunting. Elaine doesn't hunt, but likes the way the material drapes. It kind of looks like hanging moss or khudzu, and the color seems to go with most of the Alfred Dunner blouse designs she likes.

Santa, we think that this is enough. We don't want to appear greedy. Thanks in advance for the neat gifts. And don't believe what you read in the police log. We were not naughty. It was a "trumped-up charge."

Merry Christmas!
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