March Meditations

Apologia:

Some folks called "Anonymous" have asked if they could refer to this blog in their writings. Since they are "Anonymous", I can't contact them directly, so if they are reading this, I would say: "Be my guest." However, please be careful, because some of what I write comes from my own ideas which may not be the same as those of people in the mainstream of U.S. society. Also, some of what I write may be based on news items I have read about or heard about in "off-beat" sources. I attempt to mention my sources, when I can remember them.. just be careful because sometimes I write about things that happened some time ago.

While I am at it, I may as well also mention that most of the cartoons that accompany these blogs were drawn by me, and while some are original, most were probably copied many years ago from books, magazines and newspapers. Usually, I can't remember the source -- let's face it.. I'm an old dude. However, when I do remember the source cartoonists, I will mention them.

01. Common decency... and LOVE:

As I can see from lots and lots of Facebook entries, the Supreme Court decision in the Westboro Baptist Church case is extremely unpopular. On a recent CSPAN radio call-in show, almost all of the people who called in praised the decision because it reinforces our free-speech rights. However, almost all of those same people thought that the Westboro picketers had moved far beyond the limits of decency.

While I agree that we need to preserve our free-speech rights, I feel that we should have some established limits to "hate-speech", as they do in several European countries who went through the Hitler years and know how such speech can be used to inflame the masses.

I find it hard to understand the members of the Westboro Baptist Church.. I was a member of a Baptist Church for several years and I found the teachings of the church to be of a loving nature. In fact, when I was in my early teens and was getting into trouble, members of the Baptist Church helped me understand that what I was doing was hurting other people, especially people that I loved and who loved me.

Several years ago, I had the experience of attending a Baptist church in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania a couple of times. After the services, the preacher would stand in the front of the church and offer hugs to anyone who wanted one. The line to get those loving hugs was very very long. I believe that everybody in the Congregation went up to get one. A few years later, I met the preacher in another setting and he immediately recognised me and gave me one of his famous hugs. This, of course, is what life is really all about... loving one another.. not hating one another.

The most famous people-lover/people-hugger of all time is of course, Leo Buscaglia (search my earlier blog entries if you don't know about Leo.)

02. Moebius Strip:

When I was a kid, my grandfather showed me the great attributes of the Moebius strip. This is, of course, the twisted figure that has no beginning and end, and which can be manipulated in miraculous ways. Cyril Kornbluth was intrigued by the Moebius strip and coined the following wonderful poem:

The Unfortunate Topologist

A burleycue dancer, a pip

Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;

But she read science fiction

And died of constriction

Attempting a Moebius strip.

http://mathssquad.questacon.edu.au/mobius_strip.html

03. Words to Live By

In 1983, I published the fourth Friday the 13th edition of Words To Live By.. being vital quotations collected over the years by some computer geeks that worked with me at the Social Security Administration. I came upon them again the other day and thought that some of the observations made then, are valid still today.

"On flextime, you're not late if you come in early." - Joe Johnson
"If you can't handle the job, get out of the fire." - Henry Drumheller
"Learn to be sincere, even if you have to fake it." - Bernie Rubin
"No program should ever Abend in production." - Morrison Clark
"If your computer run is going fine, you've obviously left out something important." - Lloyd Hess

Also contained in the document are some recipes, one of which was by Calvin W. Schwabe:

Grilled Rat, Bordeaux Style

Catch some alcoholic rats that inhabit wine cellars. Skin and eviscerate them, brush them with a thick sauce of olive oil and crushed shallots. Grill over a fire of broken wine barrels.







04. Frank W. Lewis

In my February 6, 2011 blog entry, I mentioned Frank W. Lewis, who created the cryptic puzzle for the NATION magazine for years. I mentioned a little of his accomplishments and why I admired him. What I didn't know at the time (and should have) was that he was a fellow member of the American Cryptogram Association (ACA). We have NOM's in this group (kind of like aliases).. mine is AHAB. Frank's was R. MASTERTON, an anagram of Montserrat, where he lived until the island's volcanic eruptions got the better of him.

HONEYBEE (another ACA member) says in The Cryptogram for March-April 2011: "...(he) would look at a Monome-Dinome ciphertext and see the 'ump-ti-ump-ti-ump-ti' that the dinomes make. Every time I solve a Monome-Dinome that memory still makes me smile."

A family member also mentions something that I did not know about Frank: "... his work in cracking the Japanese shipping code enabled the navy to pinpoint the exact location of any Maru sailing in the vastness of the Pacific, which contributed to the Allied victory and materially shortened the war..."

Vale, R. MASTERTON!

05. Kidspy

The Week magazine reports that school administrators in a Philadelphia suburb used webcams to spy on students at home. The webcams were on school-issued laptops. One of the students was shown a picture taken by one of the cameras that a school official says proved that he was taking drugs. The student says he was eating candy in his room. Was the use of these webcams a violation of the Fourth Amendment and privacy laws? A class action suit filed by angry parents may decide this.

06. Brain power?

Somebody named Reymann says that people should deviate from their normal routines from time to time, to challenge their brains. Two ways:

1. Brush your teeth with the opposite hand.
2. Get dressed in the morning with your eyes closed.

07. Mencken:

The German Society of Baltimore, Maryland can count Henry L. Mencken as their most famous member. (I am also a member, but not quite so famous...) I quote: "... Mencken is America's most quoted literary figure. Mark Twain comes in second... the Mencken Room at the Pratt Library (in Baltimore) accumulates 1,000 pages annually in the (Mencken) scrapbook...in his lifetime Mencken wrote 40 books, produced 15,000,000 words."

08. Stupid Criminal Award Winner:

From the Intertel newsletter: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the police car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied: "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

09. Langston Hughes

I mis-quoted a poem by Mr. Hughes in an earlier blog entry. I believe this is the correct version.

Impasse

I could tell you,
If I wanted to,
What makes me what I am.

But I don't really want to -
And you don't give a damn.

10. Study result:

A three year study at Oxford University discovered that ducks like water.

11. Longest word still?

In 1983, the longest word in the Oxford English dictionary was:

FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION

Which means: The act of estimating something to be worthless.

(Check me out on that, Brother Joe)

12. The Stone Reader

I'm told a documentary with this title is now a cult favorite. It's about the search for the author of The Stones of Summer, a book published to great reviews in 1972, sold just a few copies, and then disappeared, along with the author, Dow Mossman. Mossman was found in Iowa.. an ex welder and unemployed newspaper bundler. Now Dow is back writing again and his book has supposedly been republished. I'll have to get a copy of the documentary from Netflix and try to track down the book... maybe.

http://www.lostbooksclub.org/sos_main.php

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The Mad 1960's

With all the excitement about the series MAD MEN and the 1960's decade, I have decided to record some of the items in a scrapbook I created in May 1963. Perhaps it might give you even more insight into that wonderful time to be alive, a half-century ago!

http://www.amctv.com/originals/madmen/about/


01. Murphy's Laws. Although probably listed first in the Scientific American magazine for 4/56, they were talked about extensively in the 1960's..

I. If something can go wrong, it will.
II. When left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
III. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

02. Figures: An "electronic computer" was used in Atlanta to come up with the following statistic: The average female figure measures 35-25-35. However, ladies on the West Coast are a wee bit larger.

03. Chewing Gum: An historian found out that chewing gum was being used by the Aztecs when the Spanish landed in the Yucatan. However, it didn't catch on with European types until 350 years later. General Santa Anna of Mexico was a fan and tried to get an example of it taken seriously by the Americans while he was exiled in Staten Island. Discouraged, he left the material when he returned to Mexico. But an enterprizing American named Thomas Adams used it to found a U. S. chewing gum industry.. his product: Adams Chiclets. Shortly thereafter, a guy named William Wrigley, Jr. gave the big push to make chewing gum an important American pastime.

The Germans call chewing gum Kaugummi. I suspect that is because people who chew gum kind of look like cows chewing their cud. Recently, in Ocean City, we were served by a medical doctor at an emergency center who was chewing gum. Somehow, this did not seem professional to me.

04. IBM. The computer giant was really "big" in the early '60's. Times were good for them, especially with Government contracts. Jobs were rather prevalent, in fact, around 1963, headhunters offered me three jobs with IBM. One of which was at their Poughkeepsie "Think Tank" where the employees (gasp!) were allowed to dress for work without a black suit or tie!

In my scrapbook, I have a cartoon by a cartoonist named Richard Taylor who had a distinctive manner of drawing which I tried to copy for years. The cartoon showed an older manager introducing a new employee to the existing black-suited staff of five men. The new recruit looks and is dressed exactly like the current staff. (This is a direct reference to IBM's cookie-cutter created staff.)

http://www.pbase.com/csw62/r_taylor

05. Ben sez: Quote from Ben Franklin: "Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut aft erwards."

06. Flower Mart: The Flower Mart in Mount Vernon Square, Baltimore, Maryland, was big in 1963. That is the first year that I attended. It took place in a circle around Baltimore's Washington Monument, and consisted of craft vendors, food vendors, flower vendors and generally crazy people. Crab cakes were a big hit and were a lot cheaper than they are today. But, the biggest hit of the Mart was the famous "peppermint sticks".. everybody bought them. These are candy peppermint sticks, stuck into lemons.. they are surprizingly refreshing.

http://www.baltimore-maryland.org/flower-mart-photos.html

One thing I noticed about the Flower Mart was that there were very few black people in attendance. Since half of the population of Baltimore at the time was of African-American descent, this seemed strange to me. Apparently there was some racial problem because a few years later, black protests shut the mart down for a few years. I haven't been down to check it out these days, but I haven't heard of any problems with it lately, so I guess everything worked out o.k.

07. Names: Those of you who have read Mencken's American Language, know a bit about American last names. If you haven't read it, you really should; it is a classic.

While I worked at the Social Security Administration, I kept a file of strange names (at least to me). I guess, since I have been retired for a while, it would be o.k. for me to list some of these names that intrigued me while I worked there. I hope noone takes offense.

Rose Pyles
Lucy Kluck
Fanny Paper
Park Bench
Work Bench
Only Teasdale
Ozelia Fontenont
Bunnie Blue
Wrestling Keith
Bonita Purkypile
Dink Pike
Joe Ooom
Parafine Puff
Feather Schwartz
Bren Gunn and Tommy Gunn (father was Pop Gunn)
Freeman A. Mason

When Elaine worked at SSA, she found the name: Pink Valentine.

08. More Ben sez: "A single man resembles the odd half of a pair of scissors."

09. City life: A 1963 study found that 400 snakes of three species were found living in peaceful anonymity on three acres within Chicago's city limits.

10. Car terms: A weekly magazine in 1963 listed some once common automobile terms that were no longer recognized:

SPRAG: A pointed iron rod beneath a car. It's pointed end could be released to dig into the road to prevent cars with poor brakes from rolling backwards down a hill.

TREMBLER: A buzzer-like device attached to the dashboard, which made the ignition sparks.

PILOT: A little gasoline-fed flame which ignited the fire under the boiler of a Stanley Steamer.

http://www.stanleymotorcarriage.com

BANDAGE: Something that you buckled over a punctured tire to allow you to continue.

TILLER: What some people called the wagon-related steering device on early autos...which was thankfully replaced by the steering wheel.

11. Pre-Mensa Poetry:

Pyschologist, with Freudian craft,
Divide the dullards from the daft,
Say who's rigid, who's resilient,
Who's safe and who risks being brilliant.

The thing to be is well-adjusted
(Your reflex actions must be trusted)
That way you'll never be suspected
Of thinking something unexpected.

By Leonard Sharpe

(I'm not sure of the poet's name. Perhaps my brother Joe, who has a gift for solving mysteries, can find out who the poet is.)

12. Final Ben sez:

"There's a time to wink as well as to see."


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Take the Good with the Bad

This has been some week! A lot of computer activity has been keeping me busy.

01. Vista on my Laptop. My laptop went dead a couple of days ago. I love my laptop, except for VISTA that is installed. Every few weeks, it stops functioning and I must try everything I can think of in the hopes that it will start up again. Usually, it takes about 50 or 60 starts, restarts, reconfigurations, various key combinations... etc etc to get it going again.

The first time it malfunctioned, I called the manufacturer and he had me take the thing apart and manipulate some internal stuff.. that didn't work, so I sent it off to him .. and lost the use of the thing for weeks.

The next time it happened, I was able to take it back to the basic way it was when I bought it; thereby losing all the stuff that I had added since the fix.

The next time it happened.. I tried all of the combination of things that I mentioned above.. and, magically, it started up again after a couple of days, without any loss. So now, I just anticipate it bombing out again.. I cuss and threaten it with a toss out of the window.. and then start my unreasoned regime of starts, restarts, etc etc. (And, you know, I was a computer programmer for years.. now, only a young person knows how to really work these new machines; us old dudes, with our old brains can't really get a handle on the new technology).

02. Beautiful new website! The Marriotts Ridge High School came through and created a new website for the Social Security Alumni Association. It was released a couple of days ago. Now, some of us will go to the High School and get some lessons on how to maintain the site. Kind of exciting. Damn smart, these HS kids!

03. Hacker! Some other smart person figured out how to access one of my email sites and sent Viagra ads to everybody, living and dead who I had ever communicated with by EMAIL. So, I got the opportunity to spend lots of time doing damage control.. that means contacting the living persons and sending them apologies. I complained to my email provider, MSN and changed my password, but I don't know if that is enough to stop this clown.

One good thing that came out of this problem was that I heard from a Massachusetts cousin that I thought had passed away. Also, I got a couple of "thank you" messages from some older men friends.

04. Blog Book. Those of you who remember Allen's Alley, might remember the little guy with the "Big Old Wife" who kept a "Bird Book." Well, I learned that I can keep a "Blog Book." Now, since I am now the Patriarch of the Arthur S. Vaughan Progeny family, I am going to bind some of my blogs so that future Vaughan genealogists can have an easier time finding out just what we all were about in the late 20th and early 21st centuries.

For quite a small sum, Google will bind selected blog entries. Hardbound at that!

Perhaps I can take my notes for the book I have been writing for a while and put them out on a blog and then get them published that way for a rather cheap price. We'll see. (Incidentally, my story will be about my experiences in four years in the Air Force. I know, it sounds boring, but you might be surprised.)

05. Quaker Voices. Elaine's daughter Emily and her son-in-law, Mat, have created a CD for the Friends School in Baltimore, which Emily attended. Elaine and I listened to it last night and it sounded very well done. The school was founded before the US Constitution was written and has maintained its Quaker values of peace, equality, and truth, among other virtues for all the years since then.

The comments on the CD reminded me of when I attended Quaker Meeting in Mattapoisett, Massachusetts as a young boy. The building was similar to the Dunker Church that we saw recently on a visit to the Antietam Civil War battle site. Pews arranged in a square around a pot-bellied stove. Women set on one side, men on the other.

Nobody spoke until the spirit moved. Sometimes nobody spoke for over an hour and young boys like me had better not nod off, because there was a little old grouchy looking man in the back with a long pole that he used to bop the nodders on the head with.

06. Mini Garden of Eatin': We set up an "earthbox" a couple of weeks ago with three small plants: zuchini, squash, and cucumbers. The zuchini plant is now gigantic and it looks like blossoms are getting ready to pop. The squash plant got bottom rot and I pulled it today. The cucumber plant is holding its own even though greatly overshadowed by the zuke.

Next, I sent for three more "earthboxes" and I spent a lot of time today filling them with potting mixture, dolomite and fertilizer. Now we have to decide what plants to put in the boxes. We already have four large pots of tomatoes (one of which already has three green tomatoes growing.)
Elaine wants to plant dill, lettuce, cucumber and another tomato.

We also bought another upside down tomato plant holder. The one we had last year worked out pretty well for small tomatoes.. and then the holder disintegrated in the winter's heavy snow.

07. Mark Twain! Did I mention that I left my library book out in the rain and I had to try to buy another one to replace it? One of Amazon's sources had a copy and is mailing it to me. The book is (of course) Mark Twain by Ron Powers. Ron's style of writing is a lot like Mark Twain's. I guess that is the way he planned it.

Reading this book about Mr. Clemens' life has inspired me to reread all of his books, but especially his Innocents Abroad. I'm afraid that I did not appreciate it when I read it last. Now that I have learned some background information about the book, I should enjoy it more.

08. Martin Gardner: Speaking of background information. One reads Alice in Wonderland.. and then one reads The Annotated Alice by Martin Garner. Enough said.

Mr. Gardner died this week. I had a very distant puzzler's relationship with this interesting guy.

09. Mr. Mencken: "Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends." Think about that for a while.

10. Watching us? Check out Sky and Telescope magazine for June 1958, page 414 for pictures of a white cross observed on the moon on 11/26/56.

Incidentally, people who would like to help map the moon are being offered the job.

11. Bible study: I'm told that Shakespeare wrote the 46th psalm.

The 46th word from the beginning is "Shake" and the 46th word from the end is "Spears".

(Not in the Douay version) (King James?)

12. The answer is: 9W. The question is: Herr Wagner, do you spell your name with a "V"?

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Weekly Dozen @ March 12, 2010

Old and new stuff.

01. 2010: I-PHONE Love: A study has found that many people are addicted to their I-PHONES. In fact, they found that many people even sleep with them under their pillows. (Well, you don't want to miss an important call.)

02. 1950: Cremation: A man in Wellington, New Zealand, specified in his will that his body be cremated and the ashes put to work in an hour glass. (Good idea.. he will be serving a purpose even though he is not breathing anymore.)

03. 2010: 3-D: A newspaper in Belgium has put out a newspaper edition in 3D. They even supply the glasses. (The news just jumps out at you.)

04. 1950: Gun Control: Police in Chicago melt down the weapons seized from gangsters and makes them into medals to give to brave crime-fighters. (It's probably more lucrative these days to sell them back to the crooks or export them to formerly peaceful countries.)

05. 2010: Netflix spin-off? A new company has been formed to mail fresh underwear to guys each month. (Do you have to send them back after you have used them for one week? In the 1950's, guys did not wear underwear.)

06. 1950: Teeth: I've seen George Washington's wooden (ivory actually) teeth and a guy in 1950 made a set of false teeth for himself out of pieces of scrap aluminum. (During the 1950's I worked for a time in an aluminum chair factory.. I wasn't very good at the job and lots of my chairs got dumped into a molten aluminum bath to be reformed. Perhaps they could have used my rejects to make sturdy false teeth.)

07. 2010: Drunks Crossing: In some part or Rumania, signs have been put up to warn drivers about drunks who may be staggering across the street. (Deer Crossing signs in the US show a leaping buck.. what is the symbol for the Rumanian drunk?)

08: 1950: Divorce: A man in Milwaukee who lost his wife in a divorce suit, asked the judge to at least award the family dog to him. (Sounds reasonable to me. After all, "a man's best friend is his dog.. but a 5 cent cigar is a smoke.." or something like that.. probably some wisdom from H.L. Mencken that I can't figure out.)

Incidentally, a chiropractor met with our NARFE group yesterday. I mentioned H.L. Mencken's 1927 article in the Baltimore Sun about chiropractic. It didn't seem to bother him at all.. he did say that if you look up "curmudgeon" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of Mencken.

09: 2010: Diet: The French have developed the "air diet".. yes, it's like "air guitar" etc.. Like Marcel Marceau, you pretend you are eating. You make the motions with the empty glasses and plates but no food enters your gullet. This is guaranteed to help you lose weight.

A diet poem I like is:

My soul is dark with stormy riot,
Directly traceable to diet.

Dieting is not easy and no fun. Here are some tips that I have found helpful:

a. Count every calorie that you consume.
b. Put exercise time on your schedule every day.
c. Drink green tea or water before meals.
d. Chew every bite 20 times (or more).

Personally, I don't always observe these tips.. although every calorie I have had since New Year's Day has been recorded. Have I lost weight? I won't know until I go for my next check-up in April.

10. 1950: RIP?: A man in Petersburg, Virginia purchased 2,180 tombstones discarded from a cemetery and built a house with them. (Question: Why were they discarded? Is that the fate of all tombstones? At the Cushing Cemetery in Mattapoisett, Massachusetts, there are headstones and footstones going back to 1810, if not earlier. One would expect these tombstones to be cared for until the sun burns the earth all up, or until cloning gets so good that we will all be recreated, and people live forever so that such stones are no longer of any use.)

11. 2010: Belly dancers: A group of 11 belly dancing teachers and students will be performing for the local AARP Chapter next month. They call themselves Anerneic Magic. I am unable to find the word in any of my dictionaries. (Kind of similar:

aneroid: containing no liquid (maybe they don't drink before performing)
anerly: merely .. Scotch dialect.
an: no with ern/erne: sea eagle (crossword puzzle word) .. (Maybe "no sea eagles" ? After all, these are belly dancers, not birds)

I am alerting the emergency people to stand by for a 911 call if the dancers turn up the heat too much for us old timey dudes. I'll let you know what happened, if I survive. You may know the story of my belly dancer who caused the Social Security Administration to outlaw such folks from entering the premises.. I don't think that will happen at the Elks Lodge in Westminster.

12. 2010: Funny phrases: Elaine mentioned a phrase yesterday in connection with a guy who tried to kill his wife with a hammer. She said: "His ass is grass." and was surprised to learn that I had never heard the phrase before.

Recently, she was amused when I refered to someone I liked as "a hot ticket."

I was surprised to find the phrase "moseying around" in a book about the Civil War.

In my library, I have a book that gives the derivation and usage of slang phrases.. I should try to find it and educate myself.. there are probably lots of swear words that I could be using, but don't know about yet. And you probably know that I have a book with French swear words and I have been trying to use those instead of the common ones in United States usage that bore me... I was, however, surprised to learn that my beautiful daughter in law already knew some of those French swear words. Tsk Tsk!

My late wife was French Canadian and her family spoke lots of French... however, when they swore, it was American words that they used.

I am going to say something that you probably will not believe.. my late wife of 43 years and I never swore in front of our kids.. and only swore on rare ocassions in each other's presence.. like when hitting a thumb with a hammer.. or when dropping something gooey all over the mail.. but you know that it is the S word that is commonly used on that occasion.


Basta! (no that is not a swear word.. it just means that that is enough of this nonsense!)

Weekly Dozen @ 02/20/2010

Here are some backlogged items:

01. Last year, Time magazine mentioned two special inventions that they did not particularly like:

a. A bra that can easily be converted into two gasmasks.

b. Software that scans the smiles of Japanese railway employees to make sure that they exude the proper amount of cheerfulness.

(Japanese-watchers have also been reporting on the depth of Mr. Toyoda's bows when apologizing for automobile glitzes. Apparently one can tell a lot about people's intentions by how low they bow.)

02. Why is it that all real famous people were born on holidays? (Washington, Lincoln, King, etc.)

03. Who was this "Red" Roundtree who was arrested in 2003 for trying to rob a bank at the age of 91?

04. The Vice President of Nigeria has a great name: Goodluck Jonathan. (Baltimore's own H.L.Mencken gets into "different" names in his classic study The American Language. For instance, at one time, Doctors at Johns Hopkins would name the babies for poor women who had their labor in that hospital.. one of the names given out, supposedly appropriately, was Positive Wasserman Johnson.)

05. Some art experts are declaring that the Mona Lisa is a self-portrait of Leonardo Da Vinci in drag. (Take a good look and compare after dropping the beard.. there may be some truth to this.)

06. I'm sure that now you have heard about the famous cricketeer who shocked the sports world by biting the ball during a match. This is cheating at cricket on a large scale, similar to throwing a "spitball" at a batter's head.

07. Recently, a Denver advertisement for a job as "medical marijuana reviewer" netted lots of applications.

08. A woman has filed a lawsuit against her boss for "breaking wind" in her cubicle.
(Cruel and unusual punishment, now probably considered on a par with smoking in one's area.)

09. John Gay died in 1732, and had chiseled on his tombstone:

Life is a jest,
And all things show it.
I thought so once,
And now I know it.

10. Sarah Palin had crib notes written on her hand for her recent Tea Party Convention speech. (I wonder if someone was able to photograph those notes. They would be worth thousands of dollars.)

11. Dallas, Texas police have been issuing tickets to people for not speaking English. (What law does this break?)

12. A freight train was parked in front of a woman's house for six week. During that time, she had to scoot under the train to get out into the world.

When I was in High School and walked to school down a certain street, there was always a large truck parked across the street and sidewalk, taking on items for delivery. This was a challenge to us boys, who scooted under the truck.. while the motor was running and the gearshift was about to be engaged. The girls were not as dumb as the boys.. they waited for the truck to move out of the way or took another route.

Extra: South Carolina's Mark Sanford, thinking ahead, had the "faithfulness promise" removed from the wedding vow for his marriage.

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Fortune Telling

Do you believe in fortune tellers? I'm not sure if I do or not. If you have a few minutes, let me tell you some of my experiences .. one of them I think is amazing.

My beloved Aunt Marjorie once worked as a waitress in a tea shop in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Marjorie usually took me to work with her and the shop owner and customers didn't mind because I was such a cute little rascal...!!! (I was 4 years old.)

The shop owner also employed a fortune teller to read the tea leaves left in the cups. One day, the fortune teller told Marjorie that she saw something about me in the dregs of my aunt's tea cup.. she wouldn't tell her what that was and Marjorie was worried. A couple of days later, the teen-aged son of the owner, who was extremely jealous of the attention I was being given at the shop, told Marjorie that he was going to shoot me with his rifle. He warned her that he would kill her too if she told his mother. (I overheard this and was very scared.)

Of course, Marjorie related this to the fortune teller's reluctance to tell her my fortune, so she believed that this kid meant to do me deadly harm. Marjorie did not tell the boy's mother what he had said, but she did quit the job. For a couple of years after that she was very wary when she went out and was overly-protective of me. And then, one day, she got word that the boy had used his rifle to blow his own brains out. I can remember the feeling of relief I felt, as young as I was. Marjorie must have been relieved as well, because when I started Kindergarten, I was allowed to walk the 8 or 9 blocks to school without a chaperone. (At this point, my son should ask: "Was that 5 miles uphill to school and back, during raging blizzards?")

My son's mother was brought up in a French-speaking community in the north end of New Bedford and was also allowed to walk to school alone and play outside without fear. (It was a different time then.) At one time, her mother (my future mother-in-law) enrolled her in piano class. Twice a week, she would go to a local music store for lessons. However, she never learned to play more than a few basic tunes because the teacher didn't speak French and would rather let her sit at the store window with her and watch the gypsies who also had a store across the street.

She found the gypsy fortune tellers very interesting and as soon as she learned English she and a friend would have their fortunes told on a regular basis. This continued for many years. She never told me what the fortune tellers told her. Her mother, who spoke fluent English as well as French, was a life-long customer of the gypsies, and once told me and her daughter what had been recently foretold. See if you think this is amazing... it is perfectly true.

Just before my late wife and my wedding in 1957, my future mother-in-law told my fiance and me what a fortune teller had just told her.

"I see that you will be taking a long trip in the future to visit your daughter and her new baby in Baltimore, Maryland."

When we heard that we laughed and laughed. That fortune teller must be crazy.. Baltimore? We lived in Massachusetts and we knew that somewhere down south there was a place called Baltimore. I had read Mencken's classic American Language books and I knew about his involvement in the Scope's "Monkey Trial", and I knew that he lived in Baltimore. I had also, of course, heard about the famous Johns Hopkins Hospital (after all, Johns Hopkins was born in Massachusetts.) But.. having a baby in Baltimore in the future.. this was laughable.

However... four years later, in October 1961, my mother-in-law did take a trip to visit her daughter and her new baby in Baltimore, Maryland! Now.. isn't that amazing?

Over the years, I have read and studied fortune telling and recognise that there are tricks that "oracles" utilize to make people think that they can foretell the future. I have tried some of those tricks for fun with my friends. Part of the act is paying attention to the little things that people say and convey with body language. Besides, being an empath as I am, is helpful.

Once, at the Social Security Administration, my Branch Chief talked to me about a problem he was happening. We had a lot of weird people "working" in our Branch and he was having trouble relating to them. He had noticed that I seemed to get along well with all of them and he wanted to know the secret. I found him a book titled "People Reading" and I could see him studying it at his desk. (People reading is an art practiced by fortune tellers.)

He did achieve a modicum of success through his efforts and most of his charges shaped up for him. However, one of his test cases could not take the new close chummy scrutiny and one day disappeared. The Branch Chief did not want this to be a failure and kept the guy "on the books" for months, hoping that he would reappear. (Those of you who worked in SSA when I did will know who we are talking about.) The miscreant was spotted once on a New York subway, but ran away when approached.

So, what I am trying to convey is that fortune telling is mostly scam.. when you visit them, you are being "read" by your body language and casual utterances. Some predictions will also be made far into the future, because the fortune teller will have gone on to other venues by that time. Don't be scammed.. save your money. Unless you don't mind and want to have some fun in a drab life. Just be aware that fortune telling is "buncombe" as Mencken would say.

However... how the hell do you explain the Baltimore prediction?!

Do you remember Ralph?

How many of you rcall the famous "wits" connected with the Baltimore Sun? Probably the most famous was H.L. Mencken, an amazing critic of almost everything and an amusing and exciting author. But who can remember another "wit" named Ralph Reppert? For years, Ralph wrote humorous columns for the Sunday sun.. they were like some blogs of today, observations on everyday life.

One Sunday, before I'm sure you were born... November 2, 1964 to be exact, I retrieved my Baltimore Sunpaper from the bushes on the side of my house, grabbed my cup of coffee and began to read. The National news was kind of depressing, as usual, and the local news had the following headlines: Three Boys held in Break-in Try; "Surfers" keep Hospitals busy; Campaign ends amid Charges; Baby, three Others hurt in Crash on Route 175; $7,600 Bail set in Assault; Train Crash kills 39; Man reported shot on Dare; Two Pikesville Homes looted; Burglers take $85 at Service Station; etc

As you see, things have not changed very much in 44 years, perhaps just the money amounts.

In spite of the depressing news, I knew that one could always get a chuckle from the column written by Ralph Reppert (probably an alias), so I left the bad stuff and turned to Ralph's "blog".

Ralph wrote about a trip in a cab where the driver asked him the way to go. Ralph felt like saying: "How the devil do I know.. this is your business, not mine!" But being kind of a "Caspar Milktoast" (sp?) he just asked to be let off and got to his destination another way.

When Ralph went to a barber, he was asked how he wanted it cut. Ralph felt like saying: "If I knew how to cut my own hair, I would do it myself!" But instead, he said: "The usual."

Ralph was upset that people you spend money with now make you do all the work. In the old days all a grocery store customer had to do for himself was "color his own margarine".. now, you have to pick out your own groceries, "fish your own pickle out of a barrel", ... and often, the check-out clerk picks up things from your order and asks you: "How much was this, Hon?"

Upset, but true to his nature as a "human marshmallow", Ralph would obediently trot to the shelf, get the price, and trot back to the checkout. Then, he would have to carry his groceries out to his car unassisted (not like the old days.) And then, he would have to push the cart back to the line in front of the store.

Ralph also bemoaned the fact that when you order something now, like a lawnmower or a piece of furniture, you get a box of unassembled pieces.

When Ralph called up a service man, like a plumber or an electrician, they would always ask: "What is the problem?" That's what I want to know, says Ralph.

Ralph also bemoaned the price that service people charge for "knowing what needs fixing." (Like in the old story: A service man comes out to fix a furnace, hits the furnace with a hammer and hands the owner a bill for $505. The owner asks why it costs so much just to hit a furnace with a hammer, and the service man says: "It costs $5 for the hit, and $500 for knowing where to hit.")

Ralph also: counted his own shirts at the laundry, located his own books in the library, carried his own cans of paint in the hardware store, dialed his own long-distance telephone calls, etc.

The last straw for Ralph was when he bought a parakeet and waited for it to speak. After two weeks he called the pet store and they told him that HE had to teach the bird how to talk.

Young people may wonder why we old-timers thought Ralph's musings were humorous, but those of us who had lived in both worlds knew Ralph's feelings, and identified with them. When we were young, service people provided "service", suddenly, we had to do a lot of this "service" for ourselves. We found that very frustrating, and needed to laugh at it all to keep sane.

I wonder whatever happened to old Ralph.